“Yesterday at lunch, Luke forced me to experience one million years trapped inside my own mind in the space of an instant. He laughed so hard when I started screaming and tearing out my hair, so yeah, I think he’s probably going to do it again,” said seventh grader Cody Robertson, whose eyes belied a deep weariness in his youthful face. “It was so embarrassing because after I went insane and regained my sanity countless times, Luke was all ‘haha, gotcha!’ I just know he wants to do it again.”

“I thought everything there was to think. I counted every number. I wrote down every combination of letters. I felt my mind wither and die and then come to life again, like a perennial flower in the garden of forever,” continued Robertson, voice sounding like a blend of a middle school boy and an old, old man. “The day really got worse after lunch though, because I had science, and I’m in a group with Ricky W., who always smells weird.”

At press time, chimeric kid probably going to sting you with scorpion tail and maul you with goat horns at recess.