After filling my Honda up at the Exxon station, I drove by Starbucks™ to get my usual Venti Double Chai Mochaccino® and then sat down to compose this relentless critique. Suddenly it all came together in my mind. All our most sacred institutions — the presidency, the courts, Congress, Pitchfork Media, etc. — have long been in the pockets of corporations. Did you even know that venerable Brown University itself is owned by none other than “THE CORPORATION”? Corporate pawn Mitt Romney even has the gall to say that “corporations are people.” If corporations are people, then why can’t we put them in jail? Checkmate, Mitt.

This would never happen in Europe! I’m pretty sure that in Sweden corporations are illegal and everyone gets 365 days of vacation instead. Also, everyone gets free IKEA furniture. Naturally, I have taken to Facebook and Twitter in order to raise awareness about this blatant, immoral and illegal tendency of corporations to generate profit in America. Don’t stand idly by while corporations suck the lifeblood of our society! Run down to the nearest Staples store, buy some Sharpie markers, a piece of Elmer posterboard, hop in your car and meet me downtown so we can show these bastards that we mean business.