“I used to constantly make degrading and sexist comments toward women in class, but no longer!” exclaimed Davis, whose catcalling tendencies were entirely expunged after loosely tuning into the 28-minute training on 2x speed. “After completing this eye-opening module, I realized that I could no longer, in good conscience, be outwardly antagonistic toward members of protected classes. To all the women out there, let me be the first to say that I see your struggles against our patriarchal society, and starting now, I will champion your rights, always. You are all so brave and inspiring.”

“Chag Sameach! Wishing you a meaningful Passover,” Davis was overheard kindly telling a group of Jewish students who reported him for Title VI violations just last year. “I’m aware that I used to routinely vandalize university buildings with swastikas, but that was my old self. This required module enabled me to look inward and acknowledge that I’d been a blatant antisemite for far too long. I’m on a better path now. I love the Jews!”

“Russell Carey, thank you,” remarked Davis, recently seen registering for a class on segregation and racism in modern America. “My past behavior was simply not okay, and I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing for that. But I’m a better man now for having completed this required nondiscrimination module—one who is far more open-minded, one willing to be an ally to all.”

At press time, 87% of students attested to watching the training and also lied.