“The evidence spoke against Mr. Davis,” said Thomas Parsons, prosecuting attorney for the case and professional jerk-face. “He committed the crime. His sentence is well within reason.” The verdict of the big bully with the gavel allows Davis the possibility of getting to leave his small dungeon after 30 years, if he behaves well. Sources confirm that of course he will, because look at his sad little face.

Parsons, who must think he has never made a mistake in his entire perfect life, commended the judge for “reaching the right decision.” Davis is expected to arrive next week at his new home—a little room with a toilet in the corner—where he will probably spend many years crying and feeling lonely, not that the so-called justice cares.