“Did you know that 50 percent of all Brown marriages are between tight-knit Perkins residents? If that’s not tight-knit, I don’t know what is,” said Reynolds as he reached out and grabbed the hands of two of his hall mates.

Reynolds proceeded to tightly knit his fingers between the fingers of his two fellow Perkinites.

“Perkinites,” he said, nodding haughtily. “It’s what we, as members of this tight-knit community, call ourselves. Keeney freshmen don’t have a special name because, well, they’re just not this tight-knit,” he said, releasing his right hand and pointing to the tightly knit scarf around his neck.

The scarf in question was reportedly tightly knit by a group of tight-knit Perkinites in the tight-knit Perkins lounge, atop tightly knit couch cushions.

When asked what dorm he would most like to live in next year, the walls of Reynold’s windpipe tightly knit together.

“Tight-knit,” he added. “Tight-knit.”