“Food used to come from the ground, and now we won’t let it sit there for more than five seconds? Ridiculous!” croaked Kennedy, claiming that the initiative would reduce food waste as well as build immunity to natural floor-borne illness. “When I was young, we would hit deer with our cars, let them sit in the street for a few hours, and then dig in, raw, like we were man-maggots or something. These days, adult men are too weak to handle some good ol’ car deer, and it shows.”

“We need good, healthy protein for our children,” added Kennedy, rolling a decrepit honey-roasted ham out from the floor under his desk. “Honestly, I think the kids are probably autistic because their parents never let them eat stuff off the ground."

At press time, Kennedy was also considering mandating HHS employees wash their faces with beef tallow before coming into the office.