“When that rich shade of brown hits your eyes, you can’t help but know you’ve entered Ron’s Big Steaks,” said Frank Kernel, longtime customer of Ron’s and a self-described “steakiac.” “It’s that particular brown that announces to you, ‘Hey buddy, unfurl your bib and take out those metal things we call utensils. You’re in for a steak-having time.’”

“I’ve been going to steakhouses since I was ten-and-a-half years old, and nowhere is as richly paneled with that damned tropical hardwood as Ron’s is,” continued Kernel, eyes glazed over and knees weak at the mere thought of a delicious ribeye from Ron’s. “I’ve never seen that much wood in one building. It’s like God compressed a whole forest into one room and then filled that room with beautiful, beautiful steak.”

At press time, a local aquarium was so cerulean.