“The minute I started spooning my Cereal, things felt off,” he stated in a recent interview, “It didn’t respond to me; it just kind of laid there cold.”

O’Neal assured the Noser that he did not sugarcoat the situation. After waiting for 10 minutes of painful silence, he opted to seek a healthier relationship.

“I realized that since I first saw it, my Cereal had grown twice its size and now felt mushy. The initial attraction just wasn’t there anymore,” he added.

O’Neal was not available for comment at press time. Sources indicate he was in the process of buttering up a piece of whole-wheat toast.