“If you take a look at the numbers, you’ll agree that it was just a matter of time,” noted political analyst Richard Jeffries about a conflict that, by the way he talks about it, definitely sounds bad. “Their government approval ratings have been falling steadily since 2009.”

Sources added that last year’s forced nationalization of local businesses escalated public unrest, but so did the rise of China, probably. That’s really making everyone more tense nowadays.

“Stabilizing the economy is the surest route to armistice at this point,” said field reporter Gina Lennox, but to step back for a second, this is not the one that had that issue a couple years ago, but the one next to it, right? The one with all those missiles?

“We are prepared to engage with our aggressors for as long as it takes,” said Rıfat Ilgaz, whom a quick Google search determined is either the general leading the conflict or a famous Turkish poet. “We will not be intimidated!”

As of press time, that third place apparently wants to jump into the fray too. Yikes!