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A new advocacy group, believing that the interests of Americans with pierced tongues have been hurt by negative media portrayals, recently held a press conference to deal with what they describe as "a long-term thivil rights violation." The group, Americans with Tongue Rings, has the stated goal of doing away with "inthenthitive and thpiteful therotypes, and to instead create a more pothitive image for those Americanth who happen to have metal in their mouths," according to Chief Spokeswoman Jo-Jo Dulata.
Pointing to such characters Evan Rachel Wood from "Thirteen," that other girl from "Thirteen," and Malcolm in that one "Malcolm in the Middle" episode, Dulata argues that the tongue-pierced are rarely portrayed as mature characters deserving of respect.
"Why mutht the average tongue-pierthed character be a thlutty thdewardess?" asks Dulata. "Why can't she be a thlutty Thertified Public Accountant?"
Yet the issues the group is taking up run deeper than problematic media portrayals. Dulata says that tongue-pierced Americans are dealing with "a whole culture that will not acthept us as rational people. Rational people who have decided to poke a hole in middle of our tongueth and then put a thweet thlab of thilver there. And then keep it there while we thpeak, eat, and interview for jobs- thometimes all at the thame time."
The group's constituency comes from a variety of ethnic groups and social classes, though a commonality is that each member had either a shitty or totally badass high school experience. That said, the message is not completely united across the group's membership. Americans with Tongue Rings' especially vocal male contingent, for example, has its own specific concerns.
"Many ignorant people think that having a tho-called "lithp" meanth you're gay," said Male Members Coordinator Orlando Rodriguez. "But that is abthurd. Having a tongue ring meanth you're gay."
Yet the group is already facing some serious opposition. Many are arguing that those with piercings chose their own fate, and so deserve no "special rights."
Dulata characterized this perspective as being typical of the "military-induthtrial-not-having-crap-on-your-tongue complex." Said Dulata, "People act like getting your tongue pierthed is a lifethtyle choith, and that is tho ridiculouth. Why would anyone dethide to talk like Mike Tython?"
To avoid making her goals seem too grand, Duluth said that Americans with Tongue Rings also has more immediate, practical concerns.
"Do you know how hard these things make it to whistle? Not to mention the impothibility of getting through an airport thecurity metal detector," Duluth said. "Perthonally, I think we should get a free ride. Of all the terrorists you know, how many of them give thtupendous fellathio?"
