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While the rest of her friends from her all-girls boarding school packed manicure kits and Gilmore Girls DVDs for their first years at Smith and Wellesley, Cynthia prepared by slipping some condoms her high school Physical Education teacher accidentally left in the locker room into her suitcase.
Cynthia Labium '12, like all incoming freshmen, eagerly awaited her matriculation
at an Ivy League institution this fall. But for her, the most exciting prospect was entering the ranks of the sexually experienced. She expected her costly college education to teach her the working definitions of words such as "missionary" and "carpet cleaner."
When she arrived on campus Labium reported feeling "overwhelmed by possibility,"but her powers of discernment, carefully cultivated from Seventeen and Cosmogirl, served her well. "I knew right away I couldn't give my most precious gift to just anybody" she said after seeing the boys at the LGBTQ table at the activities fair.
The final decision came at a frat party. "I noticed a guy looking at me from across the room wearing a nice polo shirt with a popped collar" she said. "And it was exciting to see someone with his own sense of fashion." Cynthia decided this would be her Prince Charming.
Despite her best efforts, the unknown gentleman left the party before Cynthia reached him. "When I described him to the hostess, she said I could have been talking about any guy there" Cynthia recounted. "So I left to do a little research."
She soon found another male dressed like any guy and asked where his kind hang out. Marcus Garvey III '10 recounted, "At first I took offense, but then I just felt sorry for her because she seemed so frantic."
Inebriated from the three sips of Franzia wine she enjoyed at the party, Labium began to make her way home. On the way, she encountered a crowd outside a fraternity listening to one of her favorite Dave Matthews songs. Unfortunately, the intoxicated Cynthia could not tell whether any guy was among the listeners. "I looked in, but it was hard to tell whether their collars were popped or not," Labium recalled.
Fellow freshman Connie Cupiscent '12 empathizes with Cynthia's struggle. "I've often been desperate to find any guy, and I hope she keeps trying in these trying times." Sandra Applebome '12, Cynthia's roommate, just wants her to be happy. "It might not be what I want, but if it makes her happy I'm all for it."
Although she now knows whom to look for, Labium has yet to find any guy at another frat party. She hopes he listens to Dave Matthews, but in the unlikely event that he doesn't she knows "it'll make for good pillow talk."
Cynthia asks anyone who has seen any guy to inform him that she is waiting. She has vowed to keep a self-described "copulation covenant" for this Prince Charming and prove to all the cynics the true existence of love at first sight.
