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Self-described "biker, Thayer Street mainstay, and leather enthusiast" Larry Scarpo can usually be seen hanging out with his biker buddies outside such Thayer Street establishments as Tedeschi, the former Roba Dolce, and Tedeschi. This week, however, Scarpo traded in his chopper for a box of chalk.
Scarpo, 41, was spotted writing furiously on a chalk board in the lounge of Gerard House, slogging his way through a 55-line deductive proof that left him horrified that his favorite assless chaps do not, in fact, imply that his ass is chapless. Scarpo, who recently took a course on modern formal logic, flexed his deductive muscle in order to determine that his posterior was not necessarily as bare as the name of his trusty pants would imply. Scarpo's attitude toward his kinky leggings may never be the same again.
"See, my everyday experience had me convinced that every time I wore my assless chaps, my ass would indeed be unfettered by pant. However, I've realized that there is no necessary causal relationship between mass-noun chaps and the count-noun ass, and the syllogism 'p is q, and if q then r, so if p then r' leads me to the use of the law of."
Half an hour later, Scarpo had concluded his exhaustive analysis of the nature of assless chaps. Once again visibly distraught, he retreated to the corner outside Tedeschi, citing his need for some "alone time."
Since being contacted by the Noser, Scarpo has made several appearances on Thayer. Each time, however, observers have noted his tendency to clutch his buttocks every few seconds in order to confirm the chaplessness of his ass. Scarpo has even rigged a series of mirrors so he can check on the status of his glutes' liberty at all times.
The Noser was able to contact several of Scarpo's fellow bikers for comment. As Marissa "Wolf Eyes" Anderson explained, "It wasn't the chaps that mattered to Larry. It was always about the freedom, the relaxation, the gusts of wind against his unshackled cheeks. If he can't be sure of what he's getting into every time he slips into those bad boys, he may lose it altogether."
Another of Scarpo's acquaintances, a man known only as Fang, had a different take on Scarpo's predicament. Fang told the Noser, "Man, Larry knows too much. He knows that if he tells all the boys about this, they'll realize that it's not just about the assless chaps. This means that our handlebar mustaches don't imply that our faces are mustachioed. Our steel-toed boots don't imply that we can kick ass. And our bitchin' choppers don't even imply that we're bad to the bone. Brutal."
