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An otherwise peaceful springtime has been disrupted by an ever-more-frequent nuisance and threat: that of rogue newspaper SINGLE MOTHER OF TWO TRAPPED IN MINE COLLAPSE headlines.
For BOW-WOW-WHOOPS! DOG CRASHES CAR IN PAWTUCKET FENDER-BENDER Beth Greenfield '13, the threat these headlines pose is all too real. "I was on Lincoln Field with a friend last week, when suddenly there's this whistling noise and I turn and look, and he's got the words 'Nasdaq Soars for Third Consecutive Day' sticking out of his chest. He had to get a dozen stitches; and days later, he's still RIVER MONSTER DEVOURS GONDOLIER coughing up vowels."
"We don't know where these headlines are coming from, or just what their agenda is, but for the time being they've become BIDEN HAS THING FOR SECRETARIES OF TREASURY a reality of life at Brown," reported James McIntyre, SENIOR WALLABIES: GOD'S CUTEST CREATIONS? a Department of Public Safety officer.
Students remain skeptical of the administration's position. "There's something big and bad going on here DRUNK PRIEST PUNCHES MOURNER AT FUNERAL and the Corporation is ignoring it because they're too afraid KANSAS INTENTIONALLY IGNORES INDIANA'S CALLS to find out what it is," according to Carly DEFECTIVE EYE CHARTS RECALLED BY GOVERNMENT Nedburg '11. "In the meantime, though, it's COMMISSIONER STERN DECLARES WAR ON HIGH CHOLESTEROL only WAL-MART PLEDGES TO INCREASE VALUE 20% BY 2020 getting WRANGLERS STUMPED BY NEW BREED OF HORSE worse."
