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The Brown Noser

When I'm Alone in a Public Place I Take out My Cell Phone So I Don't Cry

Published Friday, November 30th, 2007

When I take out my cell phone, and I'm alone in public, my coolness factor explodes by at least two and a half. People no longer stare at me awkwardly, judging, because both they and I know that this is a guy who has someone to talk to, so he has to be the man. Homeless people circle around me and kiss the hem of my robe; police officers beat down people in my way; stock brokers hand me money. I think it's time I finally revealed my art. You too can be alone in public without crying.

Simply having a cell phone isn't enough. You have to know how to take it out with style, with a grace that shouts, "This guy has friends." Now, if you have one of those flip phones, open the phone using only your wrist power, because using your fingers isn't cool. I used to throw in a little twist of the elbow, but I got tired of the explosions. If you have a slider phone, with the cover that slides down, push the cover down with your thumb, while flipping your hand over, as if you're presenting the phone to someone. Practice this motion.It's not easy to do, and if you mess it up, you might go blind. Finally, if you have a one-piece phone, you should be embarrassed. You're pretty much damned to be socially awkward. I've experimented with ways to make the one-piece cool, from spinning it around on my fingers, to throwing it at a wall, but I usually just get spare change thrown at me and am hissed away. So, avoid one-pieces at all costs. If you see someone with one, distance yourself from them so that their lack of coolness doesn't spread.

Of course, after you take out your cell phone, you can't just hold it in your hand. You have to arbitrarily press buttons, you have to hold it to your ear and pretend you called someone who isn't picking up, anything to make it seem like you're popular. In the event that someone actually calls you, don't panic. Be sure to have prepared a pretentious ringtone, and by ringtone I mean rap song. Don't answer the phone right away. Let the song play out a bit so that people know you like rap music. Then, answer the phone loudly so that everyone around you can hear. In fact, make it your business to make them hear you: walk right up to the crowd. Note that the rules to answering a home phone don't apply to a cell phone. You're not restricted to such mundane greetings as "hello" or "salutations," so go wild. Try "Sup dog" or "Foo, I ain't yo' bitch."

By the time the conversation is over, you've probably established your coolness, but to seal the deal you have to put the cell phone away with the same style with which it was opened. With a flip phone, simply slap the phone closed, but know that the loudness of the snap is directly proportional to your coolness. My snap resonates for miles. With a slide cover, push the cover up with your thumb, while moving your hand in the same direction. This will make it look like you're pushing the cover up with the mere force of your hand movement, which makes you cool. I don't need my hand to do this because I can do it with my mind.

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