The Brown Noser

Award-Winning Director Owes It All to His Supportive Family and the Tiny Monster That Lives in His Pocket and Tells Him What to Do | May 03 2013

Director’s Guild Award winner Daniel Moyer announced in his acceptance speech on Sunday that he owes all his success to his family and the tiny monster that lives in his pocket and tells him what to do. “All day every day, I’ve got them to turn to: my wonderful wife, my daughter Katie, my son Caleb, and the monster who gives me advice from his home in my shirt pocket,” said Moyer.

Reality Revealed to Be Elaborate Anti-Semitic Miniseries | Mar 11 2013

In an exclusive interview leaked from a higher plane of reality with propagandists Ron Partridge and Susan Mack, the entire space-time continuum native to our universe was revealed to be an elaborate anti-Semitic propagandistic miniseries, produced by the extremely racist government of the United Parallel States of America.

Cackling Robin Williams Roasts Self in Dark Room | Mar 11 2013

At approximately 4:00 a.m. PST, “The Comedy Central Roast of Robin Williams, Sponsored by Robin Williams,” premiered to wild applause from Robin Williams in the performer’s famed Los Angeles pantry. “Seriously, this Robin Williams man should be the head of the support group ‘creepy white guys anonymous,’” stated Williams, speaking into a microphone plugged into a low-lying outlet in the pitch-black enclosure.

This Song Totally Girl’s Song | Mar 11 2013

This song playing at the party right now is utterly and completely Melanie Hatfield’s song, the third-year Biology concentrator and Women’s Peer Counselor confirmed, as she squealed with delight and spilled her drink on several strangers within arm’s reach.

Vampapaya Weekend to Release New Album in May, or Maybe June, Depending on Temperature and Rainfall | Mar 11 2013

Critically acclaimed indie collective Vampapaya Weekend has announced the completion of its much-anticipated third LP, expected to be available in the U.S. in May of this year. Or June. July at the latest. “This album’s been a long time coming, so naturally the details of the release are a big deal,” said the group’s manager, licensed horticulturalist Nathaniel Henderson.

Student Really Into Keith Haring | Mar 11 2013

Ryan Polish ’15 is reportedly “super into” artist Keith Haring. “The bold colors, the thick lines,” he gushed to reporters. “Everything about Keith’s work appeals to me on, like, this intense personal level.” Polish first saw Haring’s artwork on a postage stamp in high school and was instantly hooked.

Student Singing Along at Party Daringly Rejects Melody for Harmony | Dec 07 2012

While attending a party in his friend’s dorm room last Saturday night, Elias Grontzman ’16 was reported to have been harmonizing to the background music, and, for a brief moment of glory, attained what can only be referred to as superstar status.

Lifetime Writers Brainstorm Saddest Cancer | Nov 02 2012

Meeting Thursday afternoon to outline a character’s death in the forthcoming made-for-TV movie “Greener Pastures,” a group of ten 35-to-50-year-old Lifetime writers considered numerous cancers, but were determined to hold out until they found the very saddest one.

Skrillex Wows Concertgoers by Inserting Skrillex CD | Nov 02 2012

Thousands gathered at a sold out Skrillex show last night at Providence Performing Arts Center to watch electronic musician Skrillex unwrap and insert a Skrillex CD into a very big CD player.

Animal Collective Apologize for Releasing Recording of Locust Swarm Instead of New Album | Nov 02 2012

Members of indie-rock band Animal Collective issued a public apology this week after allowing their label to release a recording of the din produced by a swarm of Australian plague locusts instead of their new album, “Centipede Hz.”

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