The Brown Noser

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Barnes & Noble CEO Offering To Drive Anyone Who’s Willing To Buy A Book To A Store | Apr 21 2017

In an attempt to increase sales amid increasing competition from online vendors, Barnes & Noble CEO Leonard Riggio announced last week that he will drive anyone who would buy a book to a local Barnes & Noble store. “I’m excited to announce this bold new initiative that will help this company take back the book-buying market from online vendors,” Mr.

Interviewer Creeped Out By Amount Of Research Done By Job Applicant | Apr 21 2017

Telling sources that the kid really did a deep dive, Pierce Publicity HR manager Whitney Broder was reportedly creeped out by the amount of preparatory research done by potential hire Adam Pettiman. “He started off the interview by telling me how much he loved the Crevinsky campaign I directed last year,” said Broder, adding that this was a fine touch that showed his dedication to getting the job and that if only he’d stopped there, everything would have been hunky-dory.

Report: All Airline Passengers Gross In His Or Her Own Way | Apr 21 2017

According to a report released Monday by the Federal Aviation Administration, every person on all domestic and international flights is gross in his or her own way. “When we first began our research, we knew that a lot of people on airplanes were gross,” said Michael Huerta, head of the FAA.

Third Grader's Lemonade Stand Hemorrhaging Money | Mar 17 2017

Giving patrons way too much change and drinking most of the lemonade himself, third grader Aiden Lassiter runs a lemonade stand that has been hemorrhaging money. Despite his best efforts, Lassiter has failed to attract the necessary customers to turn a profit on the $5 his mom lent him to buy a box of Country Time Lemonade mix.

Ben & Jerry's Really Scraping Bottom Of Barrel With Seth Meyers Themed Flavor | Mar 17 2017

Attempting to build on the success of their Stephen Colbert- and Jimmy Fallon-themed flavors, Ben & Jerry’s seems to be really scraping the bottom of the barrel with their newly released Seth Meyers-themed flavor. “This one admittedly had us stumped for a while,” said Director of Research and Development at Ben & Jerry’s Jane Bookstore, adding that the ice cream’s packaging features a picture of Seth Meyers smiling but not looking that excited.

"Minions 2" To Feature A Minion Of Color | Mar 11 2016

Responding to grassroots pressure originating from Tumblr and picked up by the mainstream media, Illumination Entertainment announced that the sequel to their animated hit “Minions” will prominently feature a Minion of Color. This will be the first time a Minion of Color will have ever been represented in film or television.

Armani Announces First Ever Plus-Size Model They Will Photoshop To Look Incredibly Skinny | Mar 11 2016

In a groundbreaking statement, popular fashion house Armani announced they had added Janice Smith, their first ever plus-size model, to their spring lineup. Smith is scheduled to be photoshopped to look incredibly skinny and appear on magazine covers by March.

Venture Capitalist Likes To Think Of His Children as Start-Ups | Dec 04 2015

Sipping a glass of Soylent meal replacement beverage, San Francisco venture capitalist Roger Wilkins told reporters he likes to think of his children as start-ups. “Brian was my first venture, and I really think I learned a lot from him,” said Wilkins, referring to his 26-year-old son who currently works as a social media marketer for an advertisement agency.

Owner Of Conveyor Belt Sushi Restaurant Has No Idea Where The Sushi Comes From | Dec 04 2015

Joseph Ito, owner of the conveyor belt sushi restaurant Majikku, says he has no idea where all of the sushi actually comes from. “One day the sushi just started coming out,” said Ito, his eyes wide with awe as he watched a spicy tuna roll pass by.

Struggling Dentist Industry Recommends At Least Two Dentist Appointments Per Day | Dec 04 2015

Trying to appear unworried despite bleak market predictions, National Dental Association spokesman Malik Henderson recommended every American visit the dentist at least twice per day. “Oral hygiene is incredibly important, a fact that many Americans seem to have forgotten,” said Henderson, pointing a shaking hand at a chart indicating American dentist visits are declining at a rapid rate.

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