The Brown Noser

Business

Area Aunt Not Sure If She Ready To Say “I Love You” To Infant Nephew Yet | Sep 17 2021

Approaching her sister’s son with a nagging sense of uncertainty, area aunt Sissy Callahan wasn’t sure if she was ready to say “I love you” to her infant nephew yet. “I don’t know… it’s like, sometimes I feel like I barely even know him?” she said, looking on as her 18-month-old nephew flipped through a pop-up book.

Expensive Coffee Tastes Bad In Fancy Way Instead Of Shitty Way | Sep 17 2021

Contorting his face after an unpleasant sip of a five-dollar cup of cold brew, area man Cyril O’Hara reported that rather than tasting bad in a shitty way, the coffee tasted bad in a fancy way. “Mmm… you can really taste how they carefully selected only the most acrid, acidic coffee beans for this brew,” O’Hara said, picturing the intricate process that led to his coffee tasting terrible in a highly sophisticated way, as opposed to coffees that taste bad in an accessible, blue-collar way.

Local Business’s Online Shop Minimalist Hellscape Powered by Squarespace | Feb 05 2021

According to recent user Yasmin Perogotta, the new online shop for Mrs. Bumblebee’s Country Store is a minimalist hellscape powered by Squarespace. “I love the hominess of the cluttered wooden shelves and pattered carpets whenever I shopped at Mrs.

Shiru Manager Feeling Pretty Dumb After Realizing Other Places Were Charging For Coffee This Whole Time | Sep 13 2019

Slapping his palm to his forehead in a moment of befuddled realization, Shiru Cafe manager Jed Pebbles suddenly felt pretty dumb after he learned that other coffee shops had been charging for drinks this whole time. “Ohhhhhh,” Pebbles said to himself softly after becoming aware of other coffee shops’ business models.

Juul Hits Back At FDA: We Would Never Market To Teens, Fam | Oct 26 2018

In response to accusations from the Food and Drug Administration that they illegally marketed their e-cigarette products to teens, Juul Labs said that they would, "never market to teens, fam.” “That wouldn’t be lit at all,” said the maker of the popular vaping product, Juul.

New Starbucks Seasonal Drink Just Coffee Poured Over Scented Candle | Oct 26 2018

According to a recent press release by Starbucks Corporation, the company’s latest seasonal drink is just coffee poured over a scented candle. CEO Kevin Johnson explained that the new product is an innovative evolution of their beloved Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Jeff Bezos Shocked Massive Mob Of People Hasn’t Just Banded Together And Murdered Him At This Point | Oct 26 2018

Sources report Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon and the richest man in the world with a net worth of over $160 billion, is shocked that a massive group of people hasn’t just banded together and murdered him at this point. “I really can’t believe people are putting up with this," Bezos said Friday.

Starbucks Debuts Lukewarm Brew For Those Temperate, 60-Degree Days | Sep 14 2018

In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.

Hip Marketer Suggests Changing Letter ’S' To ‘Z' At End Of Word | Sep 14 2018

In an effort to appeal to a younger target demographic, hip marketer Jessica Descalso suggested that her client California Raisins change the letter “S” at the end of their product’s name to a “Z”. “Your company needs some new branding tactics,” explained Descalso.

"Avengers: Infinity War" Just Two Hour Long Slideshow Of All Characters That Have Ever Appeared In Marvel Universe | Apr 20 2018

During a press conference last Tuesday, ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ directors Joe and Anthony Russo announced that the film would just be a two-hour-long slideshow of all the characters that have ever appeared in the Marvel Universe. “We know how much audiences love seeing these characters together so we wanted to create a movie that featured every single character in the Marvel Universe,” said Joe Russo.