The Brown Noser

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Juul Hits Back At FDA: We Would Never Market To Teens, Fam | Oct 26 2018

In response to accusations from the Food and Drug Administration that they illegally marketed their e-cigarette products to teens, Juul Labs said that they would, "never market to teens, fam.” “That wouldn’t be lit at all,” said the maker of the popular vaping product, Juul.

New Starbucks Seasonal Drink Just Coffee Poured Over Scented Candle | Oct 26 2018

According to a recent press release by Starbucks Corporation, the company’s latest seasonal drink is just coffee poured over a scented candle. CEO Kevin Johnson explained that the new product is an innovative evolution of their beloved Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Jeff Bezos Shocked Massive Mob Of People Hasn’t Just Banded Together And Murdered Him At This Point | Oct 26 2018

Sources report Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon and the richest man in the world with a net worth of over $160 billion, is shocked that a massive group of people hasn’t just banded together and murdered him at this point. “I really can’t believe people are putting up with this," Bezos said Friday.

Starbucks Debuts Lukewarm Brew For Those Temperate, 60-Degree Days | Sep 14 2018

In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.

Hip Marketer Suggests Changing Letter ’S' To ‘Z' At End Of Word | Sep 14 2018

In an effort to appeal to a younger target demographic, hip marketer Jessica Descalso suggested that her client California Raisins change the letter “S” at the end of their product’s name to a “Z”. “Your company needs some new branding tactics,” explained Descalso.

"Avengers: Infinity War" Just Two Hour Long Slideshow Of All Characters That Have Ever Appeared In Marvel Universe | Apr 20 2018

During a press conference last Tuesday, ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ directors Joe and Anthony Russo announced that the film would just be a two-hour-long slideshow of all the characters that have ever appeared in the Marvel Universe. “We know how much audiences love seeing these characters together so we wanted to create a movie that featured every single character in the Marvel Universe,” said Joe Russo.

Mad Lib CEO Announces (VERB) of Company’s Latest (NOUN) | Apr 20 2018

At a press conference last Tuesday, Mad Lib CEO Markus Dohle announced the (VERB) of the company’s latest (NOUN). “We are so (ADJECTIVE) to be here in (U.S. CITY) for this special day,” said Dohle to a crowd of (NUMBER) spectators. “Anyone who is a fan of (PLURAL NOUN) will be very (ADJECTIVE) with our (NOUN).” Dohle went on to (ADVERB) thank everyone who had worked on the (NOUN).

Underfunded NASA Sends Used 2005 Corolla Into Space In Response to Latest SpaceX Launch | Apr 20 2018

Following Space X’s launch of Elon Musk’s Tesla Roadster into space, NASA announced that they will send a used 2005 Toyota Corolla into space to compete for publicity. “We’re ecstatic to announce that NASA will be launching a used Corolla into space by the end of the month,” announced NASA’s administrator Robert Lightfoot.

Overzealous Safe Walkers Driving Students Around In Armored Van | Apr 20 2018

Explaining that the overeager pair picks up students in a large, bullet-proof vehicle formerly used by banks, sources confirmed that two safe walkers have been driving students around in an armored van. “I was walking down Brown Street from Pembroke to the Rock last night,” said sophomore Nathaniel Wells, “when two students pulled up in an armored van and asked if I needed a safe walk.

Elon Musk Hiring Noser Staffers To Make New, Slightly Lower-Quality Satirical News Website | Mar 09 2018

After news broke that he hired ex-Onion staffers to launch a new comedy website, Elon Musk announced his hiring of Brown Noser staffers to make a slightly lower-quality satirical news website. “I saw what they had done in The Noser, and I knew they would be perfect for my new project,” said Musk, explaining his goal of adding a low-grade satirical website to his growing media empire.

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