The Brown Noser

Business

Starbucks Debuts Lukewarm Brew For Those Temperate, 60-Degree Days | Sep 14 2018

In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.

Hip Marketer Suggests Changing Letter ’S' To ‘Z' At End Of Word | Sep 14 2018

In an effort to appeal to a younger target demographic, hip marketer Jessica Descalso suggested that her client California Raisins change the letter “S” at the end of their product’s name to a “Z”. “Your company needs some new branding tactics,” explained Descalso.

"Avengers: Infinity War" Just Two Hour Long Slideshow Of All Characters That Have Ever Appeared In Marvel Universe | Apr 20 2018

During a press conference last Tuesday, ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ directors Joe and Anthony Russo announced that the film would just be a two-hour-long slideshow of all the characters that have ever appeared in the Marvel Universe. “We know how much audiences love seeing these characters together so we wanted to create a movie that featured every single character in the Marvel Universe,” said Joe Russo.

Mad Lib CEO Announces (VERB) of Company’s Latest (NOUN) | Apr 20 2018

At a press conference last Tuesday, Mad Lib CEO Markus Dohle announced the (VERB) of the company’s latest (NOUN). “We are so (ADJECTIVE) to be here in (U.S. CITY) for this special day,” said Dohle to a crowd of (NUMBER) spectators. “Anyone who is a fan of (PLURAL NOUN) will be very (ADJECTIVE) with our (NOUN).” Dohle went on to (ADVERB) thank everyone who had worked on the (NOUN).

Underfunded NASA Sends Used 2005 Corolla Into Space In Response to Latest SpaceX Launch | Apr 20 2018

Following Space X’s launch of Elon Musk’s Tesla Roadster into space, NASA announced that they will send a used 2005 Toyota Corolla into space to compete for publicity. “We’re ecstatic to announce that NASA will be launching a used Corolla into space by the end of the month,” announced NASA’s administrator Robert Lightfoot.

Overzealous Safe Walkers Driving Students Around In Armored Van | Apr 20 2018

Explaining that the overeager pair picks up students in a large, bullet-proof vehicle formerly used by banks, sources confirmed that two safe walkers have been driving students around in an armored van. “I was walking down Brown Street from Pembroke to the Rock last night,” said sophomore Nathaniel Wells, “when two students pulled up in an armored van and asked if I needed a safe walk.

Elon Musk Hiring Noser Staffers To Make New, Slightly Lower-Quality Satirical News Website | Mar 09 2018

After news broke that he hired ex-Onion staffers to launch a new comedy website, Elon Musk announced his hiring of Brown Noser staffers to make a slightly lower-quality satirical news website. “I saw what they had done in The Noser, and I knew they would be perfect for my new project,” said Musk, explaining his goal of adding a low-grade satirical website to his growing media empire.

Clementine Trash's Holiday Tips | Dec 01 2017

You’re going to be invited to a lot of holiday parties. Never go over someone’s house empty handed. And never leave empty handed, either. Scan the house, identify what you think they wouldn’t notice is missing, and then take your pick! Try not to do your shopping too last minute.

Classifieds | Nov 03 2017

Selling: Half a ham sandwich from lunch yesterday. Has been refrigerated. Can add mayo for extra. $3 Seeking: Someone to lock my front door. I left it open this morning. Please call 555-314-7903. TUTOR: Will tutor for adding, subtracting, sports, gardening, gym, and extra curriculars.

Barnes & Noble CEO Offering To Drive Anyone Who’s Willing To Buy A Book To A Store | Apr 21 2017

In an attempt to increase sales amid increasing competition from online vendors, Barnes & Noble CEO Leonard Riggio announced last week that he will drive anyone who would buy a book to a local Barnes & Noble store. “I’m excited to announce this bold new initiative that will help this company take back the book-buying market from online vendors,” Mr.

Search The Brown Noser

poll

View polls