The Brown Noser

Woman Takes on Second Job to Support Destructive Job Addiction | Mar 11 2013

At approximately 9:00 p.m. yesterday, California resident Rachel Jenkins was sighted covertly leaving an industrial campus in a Mercedes Benz, a gesture that witnesses believe is an indication of her harrowing job addiction. “I once walked in on her working as the CEO of a large, successful corporation,” stated her older brother, Stanley Jenkins.

Coors Cold Train Offers Cool Refreshment to Florida Summer Heat, Destroys Ecosystem and Economy | Mar 11 2013

On Sunday, the Coors Cold Train, which has been nationally advertised to bring cold beers and refreshing winter weather to scorching summer days, arrived in Pensacola, Fla., bringing with it Coors Lite and sub-arctic weather which has left several dead of hypothermia, and has decimated the state ecosystem and the thriving, agriculturally driven economy.

Spectrum India Actually a Front for a Nice Indian Man to be Really Nice | Dec 07 2012

After a month-long investigation, Providence Police Department officials revealed findings that Spectrum India, a Thayer Street store known for its eclectic merchandise, is actually a front designed to allow a nice old Indian man to be really nice.

Fireworks Factory Employee Realizes He Could Probably Make a Bomb | Dec 07 2012

After his lunch break on Wednesday, Francis Glassman, an employee of the Lawn Rocket Fireworks factory in East Providence, realized that he likely had the materials and expertise necessary to construct a sizable bomb, capable of causing a fair amount of destruction.

Obama to Take On Wall Street in Ongoing Mass Hallucination | Nov 02 2012

Yesterday, President Obama announced a set of sweeping fictional measures targeting a runaway financial industry. In a press conference televised in the imaginations of millions of affluent liberals, the President laid out a forceful defense of strong checks on corrupt banking practices.

Economy Plunges as Everyone Swallows Their Own Eyeballs | Nov 02 2012

Wall Street continued its downward trend in the final quarter of 2012, with the Dow Jones plunging 150 points. Economists attributed the drop to skepticism toward the Federal Government’s program of quantitative easing, the massive eyeball-swallowing craze that swept the nation yesterday evening around 6:00 p.m., and Europe’s continued economic troubles.

Due to Budget Cuts, WaterFire Now Just Water | Nov 02 2012

Faced with a dire fiscal situation, the City of Providence has cut funding from WaterFire, the city’s award-winning art exhibition and performance. However, due to the popularity of the event, Mayor Angel Taveras was quick to reassure the community that the summer art event will continue to be “as strong as ever.” The new performance, simply called Water, is devoid of fire, music and food, but all are still welcome to watch the water.

Woman Carrying Child Around Like He’s a Purse Actually Kind of Pulling It Off | Nov 02 2012

According to preliminary reports, that woman carrying her newborn son around like he is a purse is actually kind of rocking it.

Up-And-Coming Businessman Struggles to Find Perfect Office Name | Nov 02 2012

Aware that his given name lacks the punch to make him a white-collar star, young pencil-pusher Lance Masterson has recently begun considering possible office names. “I need something that’ll really pop off the plastic cover of a quarterly report,” Masterson said.

Single Mother Never Dreamed University of Phoenix Could Provide Her With So Many Opportunities to Eat at Soup Kitchens | Nov 02 2012

When Christina Johnston, 26, first enrolled in the University of Phoenix, a for-profit university wholly owned by Apollo Group Inc., back in 2010, she did not expect that her nursing degree would give her the chance to provide her two young daughters with opportunities she never dreamed possible.

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