After stating an opinion so common that it’s almost fact, Caroline Miller ’22 came forward yesterday with an apology.
“I’m sorry, but that’s just what I think,” Miller said in a self-serving effort to quash the nonexistent crowd of dissenters.
Public Policy student Andrew Richardson ’21.5 really seems to get off on remembering the names of Senators, sources report.
“Obviously all the deciding votes this term will be cast by Joe Manchin, but you might be able to get a vote across the aisle like Susan Collins or even a Pat Toomey if you’re lucky,” Richardson reportedly said unprompted in one conversation, clearly satisfied with his wealth of knowledge about what multiple specific Senators are named.
Releasing years of frustration from her time as Governor of Rhode Island, incoming Commerce Secretary Gina Raimondo has been reportedly shouting complaints about her home state at the top of her lungs from the safety of her new D.C. office.
“Coffee milk is terrible and all the beaches are too rocky!” Raimondo yelled to no one in particular, feeling an excited chill from the sound of her own voice echoing off the empty walls of her secluded Department of Commerce office suite.
Prioritizing content with increasingly extreme points of view, YouTube’s video recommendation algorithm is reportedly radicalizing local woman Lorraine Crandus into a militant yarn hobbyist.
“It started off innocuous enough — I was pleasantly surprised when she made me a winter hat,” said Lorraine’s concerned sister Deb, who feels like she’s losing a loved one to the growing online contingent of yarn-fueled extremists.
Emphasizing the critical need for swift action at the highest levels of government, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg vowed to combat the national crisis of dames tied to train tracks in a recent press conference.
“People all across our nation are hurting — particularly the thousands of damsels in distress who are tied to our railways every year,” Buttigieg told gathered members of the press, noting solemnly that the past few months have seen more and more women helplessly roped down in the way of fast approaching steam engines.