According to sources, local motorcyclist Chris Walker was just vrooming with his mouth last Thursday. “I heard this really intense whirring sound,” said a witness to the scene, reporting that it was immediately clear that Mr. Walker was just substituting the rev of the engine with the fervent trilling of his lips.
Wiggling his head a little at a jazz concert, local white man Jeff Kahn guessed he must like jazz now.
“I’ve never really been one to listen to jazz before," Kahn said, still moving his head to the beat. “But man, you should’ve seen me. My head was out of control.
After three weeks of living undercover inside an enormous two-horse person costume, horses Sandalwood and Sugarbush have discovered that they are not actually sure how to leverage this to their advantage.
Initially motivated by the prospect of participating illegally in human track and field events, both horses soon realized that racing humans isn’t made any easier if you are two four-legged horses restricted to hopping inside a suit mimicking the bipedal structure of a human man.
Lacking practical applications for the 10,000-pound pneumatic personnel cannon installed in his backyard, area man Chris Lippy has clearly become desperate for reasons to be fired from it.
“Do you guys need anything from the store? There’s a CVS only 400 feet away,” Lippy said, circling closer and closer to the cannon and explaining that the cannon’s maximum launch distance of 280 feet made the remaining 120 feet a pretty short walk.