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The Brown Noser

Sports (Nov 04 2011 issue)

Entire NBA Admits Feeling Self-Conscious about Visible Armpit Hair | Nov 04 2011

The National Basketball Players Association released a statement earlier this week in which all NBA players unanimously admitted to “feeling self-conscious about visible armpit hair.”

Football Team Confused by Night Games, Concept of Artificial Light | Nov 04 2011

Last month during Brown’s second annual night game, several players left the stadium and immediately noticed something was off: the moon was out. “I knew there were times when the moon would be out during the day,” said quarterback Buddy “Mastodon” Riggins ’12.

Scrappy Quarterback Overcomes Lack of Arms to Guide Team to Eighth Consecutive Loss | Nov 04 2011

“They said a man with no arms couldn’t play quarterback,” said Brown quarterback Ronald Hudson ’12 defiantly after yesterday’s 46-3 loss to Cornell, which leaves the team with an 0-8 record. “The media, the fans, the doctors — they all said that you couldn’t throw a football without arms,” said Hudson.

Fencing, Wrestling and Skiing to Combine into One Sport to Solve Funding Issues | Nov 04 2011

In order to resolve budget and funding issues raised by the Corporation, athletes on the fencing, wrestling and ski teams have combined into one athletic program. The new sport, entitled “Blitzkrieg” but affectionately referred to as “Title IX Ball” by some, combines elements from all three parent sports.

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