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The Brown Noser

Sports (Mar 11 2013 issue)

NHL to Institute New Subterranean Superpenalty Box | Mar 11 2013

In a highly anticipated move by the National Hockey League last week, professional ice rinks will now be required to replace all current open-air penalty boxes with electric superpenalty boxes nestled deep in the Earth’s molten core. “The mineshaft elevator typically takes about 30 minutes to travel from the ice to the submerged punishment bunker,” stated NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

NFL to Replace Footballs With Actual Hopes and Dreams of Players | Mar 11 2013

The National Football League announced yesterday that, starting next season, all regulation footballs would be replaced by the actual hopes and dreams of the football players. The players, whose hopes and dreams have been only symbolically at play until now, have had mixed responses to the change.

Beloved Underdogs Could Still Win Championship If They Had Made Playoffs | Mar 11 2013

Jacksonville University football fans were overjoyed to hear yesterday that their beloved squad of underdogs still has a shot at winning the league championship, if the team had been able to make playoffs. Coach Hanson and his team reported being confident in their ability to rise above the expectations that missing playoffs means an end to their season.

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