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The Brown Noser

Sports (Apr 29 2016 issue)

Lifeguard Loves His Special Chair | Apr 29 2016

Laughing giddily as he swung his legs back and forth in the air, local lifeguard Lancey Montapicho screamed out that he loved his special chair. “It’s tall, white, and mine!” Montapicho excitedly told the ocean, lovingly repositioning the towel draped over the back of his special chair so his back would not get too warm.

Yankees Sign Pitching Machine To Two-Year Contract | Apr 29 2016

The Yankees announced on Friday morning that they have signed a Louisville Slugger UPM 45 Blue Flame Pitching Machine to a contract worth $6 million over the course of two years. The contract, with a player option to extend it for another year, is a coup for the team that has been looking to strengthen its bullpen.

Dedicated Basketball Player Misses 100 Free Throws After Every Practice | Apr 29 2016

Chasing another stray ball headed toward the bleachers, dedicated JV basketball player Colin Silva vowed to miss at least 100 free throws after every single practice. Silva’s coaches and teammates confirmed that he is the hardest working weak-link on the entire team.

Michael Phelps Disqualified From Rio Olympics For Cheating After Illegally Torrenting Portuguese Rosetta Stone | Apr 29 2016

Adding another scandal to a recently tumultuous career, decorated Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has been disqualified from the 2016 contests after he was caught torrenting the Portuguese-language edition of Rosetta Stone in an illegal attempt get a leg up on his competition.

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