Following the alert, Russell Carey sent a precautionary email to members of the Brown Community, informing them of the chubby child wobbling around the campus. “It appears that the colossal sweetie pie is demonstrating separation anxiety from a blue stuffed animal/energy efficient IKEA lamp,” wrote Carey. “At this time, however, we can draw no definitive conclusions and are working to determine the exact cause of his distress. Classes will still be held tomorrow.”

At press time, President Paxson was seen in Ruth Simmons Quad, trying to appease the cranky yet still super cute behemoth.