Sources report that freshman Cady Salib is eager to create an exact replica of her high school friend circle from a candidate pool consisting of the entire Class of 2021.
“I came to Brown so I could meet a diverse group of people that I could comb through to find an identical group of friends,” explained Salib.
As proven by a recent Facebook post, senior Naomi Leung has resumed trashing corporate America just four days after finishing her internship at the lucrative Wall Street hedge fund Marcato International.
“When will the greedy capitalists realize that when the richest 1% of Americans own 38% of the privately held wealth, regular middle class folks get frustrated?? #FeelTheBern.” wrote Leung, whose recently updated profile picture featured her popping champagne on a private yacht with the billionaire CEO.
Sources report that freshman Joey Ricci’s ridiculous belief that the admissions committee made a mistake by accepting him into Brown isn’t ridiculous at all. According to admissions officer Portia Nathan, it’s one hundred percent true.
“We read thousands of applications a year and take into account a variety of complex factors such as scholastic merit and net worth of parents," casually explained Nathan as she glanced at Joey’s application, which was filled with simple grammatical mistakes.
Sources close to senior Edward Cole report that the scope of his college bucket list makes it seem like he doesn’t anticipate living past graduation.
“I get so stressed out thinking about everything I want to do before Commencement,” explained Cole.
According to a report published by several of his classmates, local man Greg Stavig still hasn’t taken off his coat in class. “It’s been twenty minutes and he hasn’t budged even though it’s probably 70 degrees in here,” said Jill Sanchez, adding that it’s almost May and close to 70 degrees outside, too.
According to a recent report published by The Critical Review, Professor Klyde Boren needs to stop smiling directly into the camera recording his lecture because it’s creeping people out. “It’s hard to focus in class when Professor Boren keeps directing his attention and gestures at the camera off to the side of the room, which he clearly placed there,” explained student Kareen Bahar, adding that Klyde’s jokes would be a lot funnier if he didn’t follow them up by subtly cracking a smile directed at the camera.
Despite his popularity with unwitting fans and players, it appeared in Sunday night’s game that Orlando Magic mascot “Stuff the Magic Dragon” was actually just a dehydrated man trapped inside a hideous green costume, sources report.
“After the first quarter, Stuff woke everyone up by shooting free water bottles into the crowd out of a cannon normally reserved for T-shirts," explained center Bismack Biyombo, not realizing that a note for help was hidden inside each bottle.
San Jose Sharks captain Joe Pavelski confused everyone in the home crowd by leaping into the air, twirling around three and a half times, and stumbling to the ground in the middle of a playoff game, sources report. “Joe was playing well initially, but then he took big hit to the head after scoring the game-tying goal,” explained coach Peter DeBoer, as Pavelski started spinning in circles for no apparent reason.
Sources report that Southwest Airlines passenger Claire Miller is regretting her decision to sit in the emergency exit row of a Boeing 737-300.
“I chose this seat for the extra leg space, but after receiving the 30-second orientation from the flight attendants, I knew I was out of my league,” explained Miller.
Local police sketch artist Colin Sullivan is certain that witnesses are just describing him when trying to remember details about the person who allegedly robbed a local grocery store sources report Monday.
“I’m just trying to do my job,” said Sullivan, faithfully sketching his self-portrait for the third time this day.
Sources report a harrowing scene late last night as a large baby stumbled around the Barus and Holley area. “I heard a loud cry outside,” said student Ann Darrow. and when I went to see what it was, I saw this massive toddler. I thought it was raining, but really it was just the salty tears of this adorable kiddo.