According to a report published by several of his classmates, local man Greg Stavig still hasn’t taken off his coat in class. “It’s been twenty minutes and he hasn’t budged even though it’s probably 70 degrees in here,” said Jill Sanchez, adding that it’s almost May and close to 70 degrees outside, too.
According to a recent report published by The Critical Review, Professor Klyde Boren needs to stop smiling directly into the camera recording his lecture because it’s creeping people out. “It’s hard to focus in class when Professor Boren keeps directing his attention and gestures at the camera off to the side of the room, which he clearly placed there,” explained student Kareen Bahar, adding that Klyde’s jokes would be a lot funnier if he didn’t follow them up by subtly cracking a smile directed at the camera.
Despite his popularity with unwitting fans and players, it appeared in Sunday night’s game that Orlando Magic mascot “Stuff the Magic Dragon” was actually just a dehydrated man trapped inside a hideous green costume, sources report.
“After the first quarter, Stuff woke everyone up by shooting free water bottles into the crowd out of a cannon normally reserved for T-shirts," explained center Bismack Biyombo, not realizing that a note for help was hidden inside each bottle.
San Jose Sharks captain Joe Pavelski confused everyone in the home crowd by leaping into the air, twirling around three and a half times, and stumbling to the ground in the middle of a playoff game, sources report. “Joe was playing well initially, but then he took big hit to the head after scoring the game-tying goal,” explained coach Peter DeBoer, as Pavelski started spinning in circles for no apparent reason.
Sources report that Southwest Airlines passenger Claire Miller is regretting her decision to sit in the emergency exit row of a Boeing 737-300.
“I chose this seat for the extra leg space, but after receiving the 30-second orientation from the flight attendants, I knew I was out of my league,” explained Miller.
Local police sketch artist Colin Sullivan is certain that witnesses are just describing him when trying to remember details about the person who allegedly robbed a local grocery store sources report Monday.
“I’m just trying to do my job,” said Sullivan, faithfully sketching his self-portrait for the third time this day.
Sources report a harrowing scene late last night as a large baby stumbled around the Barus and Holley area. “I heard a loud cry outside,” said student Ann Darrow. and when I went to see what it was, I saw this massive toddler. I thought it was raining, but really it was just the salty tears of this adorable kiddo.