I may have joined the Los Angeles Lakers but don’t think that makes my time in Cleveland any less special. Your support has meant the world to me and my heart will always be with you. However, the rest of my body will be cryogenically preserved to achieve immortality.
In an interview following last night’s win, San Francisco Giants catcher Buster Posey revealed that his complicated signals to the pitcher were really just a simple game of rock-paper-scissors. Posey disclosed the information when asked whether he and pitcher Madison Bumgarner had any sort of elaborate strategy for getting opponents to strike out.
Sources report that freshman Zain Kumar, who is excited for a fresh start, is completely unaware that his character flaws will inevitably be exposed to everyone in this new environment.
“This is a fresh start in a brand new community,” declared Kumar confidently, not knowing that his professors will quickly find out about his habitual tardiness and tendency to sleep during lecture.
Sources report that the Provost of Williams College, David Love, keeps asking Maud Mandel why she hasn’t deleted Christina Paxson’s phone number from her phone. According to Love, Mandel is with Williams now and shouldn’t flaunt how attached she still is to her old workplace.
In a recent email to members of the Brown community, President Christina Paxson stated that the newly renovated Friedman Hall, formerly known as Wilson Hall, should not be confused with Friedman Study Center, Friedman Auditorium, or Friedman Gourmet Ole.
Sources report that Alan Peters, who spent last Spring studying abroad in Taiwan, processed his entire experience through analogies to U.S. culture. Peters, who took several international affairs classes at National Taiwan University in the capital of Taipei, described the city as the “Washington D.C.
Sources report that airplane passenger John Sanders, who is actually paying attention during the aircraft safety presentation, must be a total freakin nerd. Those sitting nearby say that, as soon as the flight attendant began talking about emergency procedures, Sanders took out his earphones and started listening attentively.
Sources report that the tepid and feeble answers provided by Jeb Bush at tonight’s Ogden Memorial Lecture on International Affairs were no match for Christina Paxson’s lukewarm and dispassionate questions. Lecture attendees report that Bush withered during the onslaught of softball questions posed by Paxson.
Sources report that the World Cup Final, which just concluded in Russia, has inspired thousands of young and physically gifted Americans to get out there and buy FIFA 19 for Xbox. According to the U.S. Soccer Federation (USSF), the excitement generated by this prestigious sporting event has motivated the nation’s most athletic youth to get off their couches and become more involved in the sport by purchasing the latest edition of the acclaimed video game.
Sources report that Shannon Carlson, a self-proclaimed open-minded college student, is eager to explain why everything you believe in is wrong.
“I’ve made it a point to become an active and empathetic listener,” reports Carlson, who commonly tunes out whenever someone she disagrees with is talking, so she can brainstorm her devastating rebuttal.
Sources report that local man Al Nicco, who wears shorts even when it’s snowing, must be a tough and rugged individual.
Nicco, who has never been sighted wearing long pants in the winter, has been touted by strangers as a shining example of resilience and self-reliance.
A new study released this week by the National Rifle Association (NRA) concluded that endangered rhinos would fare better against poachers if they were armed with assault weapons. The organization recommends arming the critically endangered African black rhinos, which have been hunted for their valuable ivory, with semi-automatic AR-15 assault rifles.
Sources report that Hallmark’s innovative new holiday snow globe encloses an entire miniature civilization, replete with its own economy and racial tensions. The ornament, which houses little fairies and dwarves, is small enough to be hung from a Christmas tree but powerful enough to facilitate internal conflict.
According to his co-pilot, Fedex pilot William Whitaker kept making intercom announcements as if he wasn’t flying a plane full of packages. Throughout tonight’s Cleveland-bound flight, Whitaker has repeatedly used the intercom to inform the non-existent passengers about irrelevant information, such as safety protocol and the local weather.
Delaying gameplay for fifteen minutes, NBA superstar Stephen Curry hung on to the rim for dear life after dunking the ball in tonight’s game between the Golden State Warriors and Orlando Magic. “This is the first time I’ve ever dunked and I really didn’t realize how high up it was,” conceded Curry, dangled his legs and refusing to look down. “Coach! Call another timeout please! I can’t let go!” At press time, the referees brought out a rescue ladder.
According to her granddaughter Suzie Lange, area grandmother Bethany Lange has confused a GIF for an infinitely long and somewhat repetitive video. “She’s been intensely watching this kitten spinning around on a record player for almost 15 minutes now,” explained Suzie, adding that her grandmother is convinced the GIF is some sort of never-ending live stream.
Sources report that freshman Cady Salib is eager to create an exact replica of her high school friend circle from a candidate pool consisting of the entire Class of 2021.
“I came to Brown so I could meet a diverse group of people that I could comb through to find an identical group of friends,” explained Salib.
As proven by a recent Facebook post, senior Naomi Leung has resumed trashing corporate America just four days after finishing her internship at the lucrative Wall Street hedge fund Marcato International.
“When will the greedy capitalists realize that when the richest 1% of Americans own 38% of the privately held wealth, regular middle class folks get frustrated?? #FeelTheBern.” wrote Leung, whose recently updated profile picture featured her popping champagne on a private yacht with the billionaire CEO.
Sources report that freshman Joey Ricci’s ridiculous belief that the admissions committee made a mistake by accepting him into Brown isn’t ridiculous at all. According to admissions officer Portia Nathan, it’s one hundred percent true.
“We read thousands of applications a year and take into account a variety of complex factors such as scholastic merit and net worth of parents," casually explained Nathan as she glanced at Joey’s application, which was filled with simple grammatical mistakes.
Sources close to senior Edward Cole report that the scope of his college bucket list makes it seem like he doesn’t anticipate living past graduation.
“I get so stressed out thinking about everything I want to do before Commencement,” explained Cole.
In an announcement detailing how the new service would improve Morning Mail, Dean of the College Maud Mandel explained that Today@Brown will just be a list of rooms offering free Kabob and Curry. “Morning Mail made it difficult to find the free Kabob and Curry due to the high volume of other information," said Dean Mandel, explaining that the new service would align with the best practices in higher education by changing that.
According to a report published by several of his classmates, local man Greg Stavig still hasn’t taken off his coat in class. “It’s been twenty minutes and he hasn’t budged even though it’s probably 70 degrees in here,” said Jill Sanchez, adding that it’s almost May and close to 70 degrees outside, too.
According to a recent report published by The Critical Review, Professor Klyde Boren needs to stop smiling directly into the camera recording his lecture because it’s creeping people out. “It’s hard to focus in class when Professor Boren keeps directing his attention and gestures at the camera off to the side of the room, which he clearly placed there,” explained student Kareen Bahar, adding that Klyde’s jokes would be a lot funnier if he didn’t follow them up by subtly cracking a smile directed at the camera.
Despite his popularity with unwitting fans and players, it appeared in Sunday night’s game that Orlando Magic mascot “Stuff the Magic Dragon” was actually just a dehydrated man trapped inside a hideous green costume, sources report.
“After the first quarter, Stuff woke everyone up by shooting free water bottles into the crowd out of a cannon normally reserved for T-shirts," explained center Bismack Biyombo, not realizing that a note for help was hidden inside each bottle.
San Jose Sharks captain Joe Pavelski confused everyone in the home crowd by leaping into the air, twirling around three and a half times, and stumbling to the ground in the middle of a playoff game, sources report. “Joe was playing well initially, but then he took big hit to the head after scoring the game-tying goal,” explained coach Peter DeBoer, as Pavelski started spinning in circles for no apparent reason.
Sources report that Southwest Airlines passenger Claire Miller is regretting her decision to sit in the emergency exit row of a Boeing 737-300.
“I chose this seat for the extra leg space, but after receiving the 30-second orientation from the flight attendants, I knew I was out of my league,” explained Miller.
Local police sketch artist Colin Sullivan is certain that witnesses are just describing him when trying to remember details about the person who allegedly robbed a local grocery store sources report Monday.
“I’m just trying to do my job,” said Sullivan, faithfully sketching his self-portrait for the third time this day.
Sources report a harrowing scene late last night as a large baby stumbled around the Barus and Holley area. “I heard a loud cry outside,” said student Ann Darrow. and when I went to see what it was, I saw this massive toddler. I thought it was raining, but really it was just the salty tears of this adorable kiddo.