“It doesn’t matter which one told me, it matters that you’re doing it,” said bird owner Trent Smirk, conveniently relying on an idiom that also perfectly describes his situation. “It was one of my birds, that’s all I’m going to say. He told me you’ve been looking at your phone while they’re talking to you? Do you have any manners?”

“I’m not going to tell you which birdie told me,” continued Smirk, unaware that the turn of phrase he’d chosen was also a common way of referring to news heard from anonymous non-bird sources. “It’s just condescending. They deserve to be treated like you would want to be treated.”

At press time, I heard through the grapevine that you’ve been stealing my grapes.