Sunday, September 25, 2022
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The Brown Noser

Sam Colt-Simonds


Sam's articles

Unpaid Internship Probably Good Enough To Land Future Unpaid Internship | Sep 16 2022

After an incredibly strenuous summer internship, junior Jake Johnson is just happy to have a better standing for next year’s internship hiring process. “Some of my friends told me they got paid for their internships, but at least I’ll be able to get another unpaid internship next summer more easily,” said Jake as he clutched a cup of coffee and perused Brown Connect.

Area Woman Posts Selfie Hidden Amid Eight Photos Of Food And Windows | Sep 16 2022

According to recent Instagram sources, area woman Jess Neeky just posted a sultry selfie watered down by several lukewarm photos she picked randomly from her camera roll. “In truth, I just wanted people to think I had accidentally dropped it in there,” said Neeky in a low whisper like some kind of secret agent.

Area Man Hears Spunky Bass Riff Every Time Conversation Ends | Apr 22 2022

Area man Roger Greene, just trying to find his way in this world with the help of his four zany siblings and their dog Rocko, has been hearing upbeat bass riffs just about every time he wants to cut away to a new life scene. “I don’t know, ever since my parents left me and my siblings for the circus, everything has felt…just weird,” said Greene, clearly attempting to cleverly sneak some exposition into his dialogue.

Drunk Driver Deterred From Getting Behind Wheel By Charming Limerick On Highway Sign | Apr 22 2022

This weekend, local drunk driver Stan Simpson was reportedly on the verge of driving himself all the way home from the bar, when he glanced at a delightful limerick displayed on a digital sign on the highway that convinced him of the dangers of his current mistake.

Lawyer’s Billboard Campaign Stalled By Unrhymable Polish Last Name | Mar 11 2022

A local law firm’s billboard marketing campaign has been facing some roadblocks due to a lawyer’s multisyllabic Polish last name. “It’s hard not having a name that rhymes with pain, hurt, or call,” said attorney Leon Marcinkiewicz, wondering if “Did your car have a stinky glitch? Call Marcinkiewicz!” might sound a little too much like a mechanic.

Man Twirling Handlebar Mustache Swears He Didn’t Tie That Poor Woman To Train Tracks | Mar 11 2022

Sources in the Wild West report that the overdressed man twirling his handlebar mustache outside the saloon swears that he knows nothing about that dame the sheriff just untied from the train tracks near town. “Why I can’t say I’ve ever met an Evelyn Starks,” said the man, sporting a wry smile and checking his pocket watch.