Correspondents reporting from Rutherford B. Hayes high school report that history teacher Mr. Hugh is giving a troubled student a second chance because he sees a bit of himself in them. “Listen, I used to be just like you,” started Hugh, completely ignoring all standard protocol for disciplining misbehaving students.
According to reports from the playground, that pair of high schoolers would seem like total babies on that see-saw if it weren’t for that huge bong they’re smoking.
“I was gonna say, two teenagers, playing on the see-saw? Isn’t that only for little kids?” remarked onlooker Tracy Jackson.
Reports from New York indicate shitty New Yorker Janice Davis was nowhere near the World Trade Center on 9/11. “Everyone I know was either almost on one of the planes, or almost went into work that day but somehow decided not to,” said Davis, shrugging apathetically, unaware that she was a totally garbage New Yorker for not being present during the greatest tragedy of the city’s history.
According to a recent statement, the Nation’s Men who just switched bodies have announced their plans to simultaneously look inside their pants. “I’m thrilled with the way things turned out,” said Oliver Jameson, celebrating as his friend Glen Bender slumped in disappointment, peering into his new crotch.
Herbie Jenkins? It’s me, Archie Spats. Boy have I got the story of a lifetime. You sitting down? This just might be the thing that’ll save this good for nothin’ city. Y’know how you’ve been sayin’ you’re lookin’ for a real underdog story? Well have I got the underdog for you.
According to sources, that Monkey most likely uses the hands on his feet for dirtier stuff and the hands on his hands for more clean things.
“I feel like if I had hands on my feet, I wouldn’t use them to eat, y’know?” said casual Monkey observer Roni Emerson, getting a little jealous of the creatures’ dual sets of feet hands and hand hands.
Sources report that Daphne actually knows how to dap too. “I had begun to go down the line, dapping up all my boys before I headed out, but I didn’t notice Daphne at the end of the line until it was too late,” said sophomore James Wine, unaware that Daphne already knew how to shake someone’s hand.
According to sources, Christina Paxson has just solemnly flipped her “Days Since Last Protest” sign back to zero.
“I was really excited to make it to three, it would have been a record for the month,” said Paxson, woefully shaking her head as she gazed longingly at a photo of her younger self.
Just this morning, the Nation’s Female Leads Looking For A Place To Think announced they will be settling alone for a moment at the bottom of the pool.
“We just like the way it makes our hair kind of float up in the air,” said Female Lead Jessica Cornswick, slowly and dramatically walking down the pool ladder in all her clothes.
Experts report that Renaissance Flight Machine Inventor Giovanni Di Bianchi is going to try and use bigger feathers on his next attempt.
“He tried it with only eagle feathers the first time, but I heard he’s gonna try albatross on his next go-round,” said Di Bianchi’s understudy excitedly while plucking large feathers off of a dead bird.
Reports suggest that, annoyingly, RISD Sophomore Eliza Nosbum keeps getting her body length velcro earrings stuck on her crocheted knee pads.
“It is honestly so frustrating,” said Nosbum as she tried to sync up the movement of her ears and knees while walking so as not to yank off her ear lobes.
According to Astronaut Mike Danford, he only made it to space so he could play with those little floaty water globules.
“I love those damn things, I did it all for them,” said Danford, even though he had to go through nearly a decade of training and schooling to get to where he is today.
Hey, buddy. I know this may come as a surprise, but I think this talk is long overdue. Basically, I think we should start seeing other people. I know we’ve been together for a long time. Gosh, what is it, 22 years now? Yeah, time really flies. I remember when we first met, you were still so optimistic then.
Vague reports from Providence’s scary part suggest that Mayor Skeleton has probably just passed a new bone law or something like that. “We aren’t sure what the law is, but he is Mayor Skeleton, so it’s probably something about bones,” said spooky reporter Ghoul Jackson.
Providence’s Waterfire is preparing to usher in a brand new season of sounding much cooler than it actually is. “When I first heard about Waterfire I couldn’t believe it,” said freshman Chet Lewis. “The name was really eye-catching. Fire on water? Who ever heard of something like that? It sounded impossible.
In the Brown Opinion Project’s most recent groundbreaking survey, they ask respondents if they’d rather win the Nobel Peace Prize, or get framed for murder. “We wanted to ask a question that would really challenge our respondents,” said B.O.P.
A Young Bull named Buck has announced that he will stop at nothing to catch the dangling piece of red fabric that killed both his parents.
“If I see that motherfucker, I’m going after it. No questions asked,” said Buck, while sharpening his horns on a rock.
Reports suggest desperate man Robert Jenkins just quietly googled the phrase “is oigea scrabble word.” “I feel like I hear that word all the time,” said Robert, bashfully deleting large swaths of his search history. “Oigea, isn’t that some type of land mass? Or like a body of water? What, is that not a word? It’s not cheating, I genuinely know that word.
America’s Private Eyes have just publicly announced their plans to sit and subtly peek over their newspaper at you from afar.
“You won’t see us there, but we’ll see you,” whispered private eye Nate Degrasse into the payphone he was using to call you.
According to a report from the wharf, that lad could use a warm blanket and a hot cup of soup because, Christ’s sake, look at him, he’s damn near hypothermic.
“That boy, workin’ his tail off out freezing cold, not a coat or nothin’ on him,” said the boy’s bunkmate Cecil Druthers.
Reports say Tucker Carlson was seen late last night standing on Rupert Murdoch’s front lawn holding up a boombox playing “Apologize” by OneRepublic.
“Yeah I saw him, he was wearing a letterman jacket with a big F on the front,” reported Murdoch’s neighbor Lizzy McCormick.
As viewers comb through the newest season of “The Simpsons,” they’re beginning to realize that the writers somehow perfectly predicted how the new season was going to look.
“They predicted the Housing Crash, the Trump Administration, even how my dog was gonna die, but this was unprecedented,” said Simpsons superfan Jeff Jensen, even though The Simpsons has predicted its own content for the past 35 years.
Brown’s Musical Forum has just announced their new production of Sondheim’s “West Side Story” will take place inside a vacant bathroom stall in the basement of Sayles Hall.
“So many of the venues that the university has to offer are all way too big,” said Director Angie Bangert.
With the arrival of spring, it has been predicted that cool guys who like to wear shorts when it’s cold will now start walking around fully naked again. “What? It’s not even cold,” said fully naked sophomore Jack Wilson. “Why would I wear shorts and a shirt and flip flops if it’s not even cold out? That’s wintertime attire.
Taping a sheet of paper outside announcing a protest, junior James Hern feels just like Martin Luther probably did. “Suck on that one, the Pope,” said Hern under his breath as he hung up a fossil fuel protest reminder. “Your reign of Catholic terror has gone on for far too long.
Reports suggest local student John Ford read through his drafted email at least six times before realizing he had not spelled a single word correctly. “I don’t even understand how I could have written that,” said Ford, wiping a comically large bead of sweat from his brow.
Recent blockbuster film “Cocaine Bear” has been a real wake up call to bears around the country.
“As a mother, it was really troubling,” said local bear Florence Jenkins. “I mean, a bear, doing cocaine? I had never even considered it. We thought that was human stuff.
According to local sources, area man Gus Edelstein suddenly wants to touch that wall in his apartment building now that there’s a wet paint sign asking him not to. “I’ve probably walked past this wall hundreds of times,” said Edelstein as he paced back and forth in front of the new sign.
Reports have indicated that Greg’s intervention really got undercut by whoever gave it a princess theme.
“We all came ready to like…cry,” said Greg’s friend Dave, referring to what was supposed to be a heartfelt conversation about Greg’s addiction.
According to reports from a nearby village, celebrations have begun for the arrival of a tall man. “We’d never seen anyone that tall,” said Mayor Mary Daboole. “He deserves the world, really. With a body like that, a parade is the least we could do.
Sources close to NASCAR have announced they will be closely investigating the recently constructed Banana Peel Factory placed conspicuously close to their racetrack.
“When we caught wind of all this, we were far from surprised,” said Grace Frostin, Commissioner of NASCAR.
Sources report that some dumb old hamburger did a terrible job of taking on that full sized hydraulic press. “Yeah it really could’ve gone either way,” said Hydraulics expert Fred Paper. “We usually use this machinery to fold and shape heavy metals, but when we set that old hamburger out on the platform we really had no idea what was gonna happen.
Area Stoner Greg Neffin reportedly has begun making a habit of rising bright and early at the crack of noon.
“I’ve been making my bed too,” said Neffin as he absentmindedly stared at a bird. “Well not really making, mostly I’ll just move my pillow off the floor.
Mark, watch your back. You know who I am. I only come around to do one thing. I’m a one trick pony, Mark. You better get a head start because I am not playing around this time. I’m Mr. Scary, and I’m going to chase you all over the place. I won’t ever catch you Mark.
Darn it, it seems that RISD student Zoe Kasper accidentally left her spare possum teeth in her other tote bag.
“I swear I always keep them on me,” said Kasper as she frantically rummaged through a tote bag covered in googley eyes. “I usually keep them right next to all my loose doubloons.
This morning, an area woman put on her trademark scarf and clogs, preparing for a full day of making local students feel socially anxious through prayer.
“She walked up to us and asked if she could ‘pray’ for us,” said Mac Davidson ‘24, still reeling from the awkwardness of the encounter.
Local subway rider Lucas Tapovilla felt acutely embarrassed this morning when he stumbled along with everyone else as the train stopped. “It’s supposed to just be the tourists that trip and fall over each other when that happens,” said Tapovilla, sheepishly looking around to make sure no one saw him stumble.
Sources report area man Greg Shandy has been walking around all day approaching his friends asking if they can tell him the name of the song he’s thinking of; it goes like bwawawa, la la la, flang, flang. “Please please please, I need your help,” pleaded Shandy as he started miming sounds with his body, “it has sort of a bippity boppity melody? No? I think there’s this like post-contemporary mid-century mandolin solo? Agh, it goes sort of like yaooo yao yao yao, boodoobop, slaaaawwoooo!”
“Can you google this sound for me?,” begged Shandy to his recoiling friends, “Wham bam bam wham, uh huh baby.
America’s TV Moms have just released their plans to hold their mug with both hands and lovingly tilt their head to the side. “We are just so proud of those kids,” said local mom Jean Mackintire as she leaned one arm against the countertop, “they just won’t stop growing up! I feel like it was only yesterday they were in diapers.
According to sources at sea, shitty 18th- century sea captain Pino “No-Beard” Di- Angelo says his black and white map makes it super hard to tell which part is land and which is ocean. “Well, if the ocean is this inside part here, then we have a loooong way to go before we even see land,” said DiAngelo, holding the map upside down.
After an incredibly strenuous summer internship, junior Jake Johnson is just happy to have a better standing for next year’s internship hiring process. “Some of my friends told me they got paid for their internships, but at least I’ll be able to get another unpaid internship next summer more easily,” said Jake as he clutched a cup of coffee and perused Brown Connect.
According to recent Instagram sources, area woman Jess Neeky just posted a sultry selfie watered down by several lukewarm photos she picked randomly from her camera roll. “In truth, I just wanted people to think I had accidentally dropped it in there,” said Neeky in a low whisper like some kind of secret agent.
Area man Roger Greene, just trying to find his way in this world with the help of his four zany siblings and their dog Rocko, has been hearing upbeat bass riffs just about every time he wants to cut away to a new life scene. “I don’t know, ever since my parents left me and my siblings for the circus, everything has felt…just weird,” said Greene, clearly attempting to cleverly sneak some exposition into his dialogue.
This weekend, local drunk driver Stan Simpson was reportedly on the verge of driving himself all the way home from the bar, when he glanced at a delightful limerick displayed on a digital sign on the highway that convinced him of the dangers of his current mistake.
A local law firm’s billboard marketing campaign has been facing some roadblocks due to a lawyer’s multisyllabic Polish last name.
“It’s hard not having a name that rhymes with pain, hurt, or call,” said attorney Leon Marcinkiewicz, wondering if “Did your car have a stinky glitch? Call Marcinkiewicz!” might sound a little too much like a mechanic.
Sources in the Wild West report that the overdressed man twirling his handlebar mustache outside the saloon swears that he knows nothing about that dame the sheriff just untied from the train tracks near town.
“Why I can’t say I’ve ever met an Evelyn Starks,” said the man, sporting a wry smile and checking his pocket watch.