“Of course! Let’s dive in! Artificial Intelligence (AI) is actually very good for you,” said the study’s author–[insert name here]–drinking seven gallons of water between each sentence through his human mouth. “We crunched the numbers, and we found that it was awesome for you.”

“You’re right–and I’m glad you asked that question–that isn’t what the study said. The study actually found that it was ultra good for your mind. Would you like to hear more about this?” the author continued while simultaneously developing a bibliography of fictional citations. “Here’s a list of all the reasons AI is great for you–(1) Reliability (2) Constant stimulation (3) More time with yourself (4) Deepfakes are rad. I hope this helps!”

At press time, every AI startup was valued exactly correctly.