“We strive to make Brown an open and inclusive institution,” said President Christina Paxson in a statement Wednesday, referencing a school that has Japanese delicacies readily available at a library bearing the name of a famous multi-billionaire. “Brown is a diverse community that welcomes people from all walks of life.”

“The only prestige Brown cares about is academic prestige,” Paxson continued, touting the accessibility of a school that sells shrimp tempura in a library named after the son of the richest person in modern history. “We want our students to have a relatable, welcoming experience here.”

At press time, the University was making sure every lecture hall had three projectors and auto-closing blinds.