Friday, September 20, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Jack Stebbins


Jack's articles

Scientists Report Falling Asleep In Backseat Of Car As Close To Teleportation As We’re Gonna Get | Sep 13 2019

A recent study concluded that falling asleep in the backseat of a car is as close to teleportation as we’re gonna get. After years of grueling research in the mechanics of teleportation, findings show that falling asleep on a long car ride is pretty much the same thing.

Game Of Catch Equally As Much Game Of Throw | Sep 13 2019

Sources have reported that a recent game of catch was pretty much equally a game of throw. Passers by at India Point Park noticed that the game appeared to have just as many catches as throws. “I know that it’s called ‘catch,’” said Dave Valencia, a witness to the game.

PawSox Move To Worcester Devastates Team’s Fan | Sep 13 2019

The beloved minor league Pawtucket Red Sox, or PawSox, have ended their time in Pawtucket, and are moving on to a new home in Worcester, Massachusetts. The news comes as a shock to the team’s devoted fanbase: area man John Kenley, 42. “I can’t believe they’re really moving,” Kenley said, recalling the many years he spent cheering his team on from the bleachers.

Report: It Warm Enough To Stop Blaming Your Depression On The Cold | Apr 19 2019

According to a report by the American Meteorological Society, it is officially warm enough to stop blaming your depression on the cold. “The season of seasonal depression is over,” said AMS President Zachary Steems. “We’re seeing 65-degree highs almost every day.

Person With Flip Phone Either Way Cooler or Way Less Cool Than You | Apr 19 2019

Witnesses report that the guy over there with a flip phone is either way cooler or way less cool than you. “I honestly just can’t tell how cool that guy is,” said Tom Moflin, a local onlooker. “At first I was like, ‘No way, that guy is like twenty years behind.

Kid Drawing 6-Legged Dog Like Some Kind of Sadistic God | Apr 19 2019

After local 5-year-old Cayden Nelson drew a 6-legged dog with crayon, sources reported that Nelson must be some sort of sadistic god. The drawing depicted a deformed dog with six limbs. The creature was unknown to this world, something than could only be the product of a demonic creator, sources said.

Friend Listening to Nothing But “Grease” Soundtrack for Past Week Blissfully Unaware of Spotify’s Social Feature | Mar 08 2019

After the ‘Friend Activity’ tab on Spotify revealed that Brenda Thompson had spent the entire week listening to nothing but the “Grease” soundtrack, sources reported that Thompson must be completely unaware that Spotify’s social feature allows all of her friends to see what she listens to.