Monday, September 21, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Jack Stebbins


Jack's articles

CS Concentrators Glad Semester Ended Without Any Major Event Changing Their Daily Routines | Apr 24 2020

Brown’s computer science concentrators are reportedly relieved that their semester ended without any major event changing their day-to-day routine. “I’m really glad this turned out to be a pretty normal semester for me,” said Selena Toom ’22, whose normal workload ensures she’s never at a gathering of more than ten people.

“Evil Never Wins,” States Protagonist From Movie That Earned Weinstein Company $50 Million | Apr 24 2020

Action movie protagonist Steele McAdams stated that “evil never wins” in a recent film that netted the Weinstein company $50 million. “There is good, and there is evil. I fight for good,” said McAdams as his movie fed millions of dollars directly to Harvey Weinstein and his abettors.

Y.A. Book Character Smiles Weakly As He Lets Out A Hoarse Whisper | Apr 24 2020

The protagonist of a young adult novel smiled weakly as he let out a hoarse whisper, sources reported. A jolt of surprise went through protagonist Brad Exhume as a masked man landed a harsh blow. The man, armed with a metal pipe, dropped it with a clang before making a swift escape.

Synchronized Swimmers All Tie For 1st Place | Apr 24 2020

Every synchronized swimmer at last week’s FINA World Aquatic Showcase in Moscow shared the gold medal, according to reports on the scene. It was decided that each of the swimmers were evenly proficient. Each individual received exactly the same scores in costumes, performance, and creativity.

Professor Still Referencing Jeremy’s Answer From First Class | Mar 06 2020

Sources in ENGL1050: American Novels have reported that, as of Thursday, professor Dan Garland was still referencing Jeremy’s answer from the first class. “If we remember what Jeremy said in our first meeting,” Garland told his class, gesturing towards Jeremy Connelly ’23 as they discussed Herman Melville’s Moby Dick.

Historical Society Quietly Hoping For New War To Reenact | Mar 06 2020

The Providence Historical Society is reportedly hoping for another war so they can dress up and reenact it. “We don’t want anything too big,” said the society’s President Mary Helma, checking the morning news for any disputes brewing around the globe.

Rich Kid Lands Internship With Maximum Wage | Mar 06 2020

Local rich kid Benny Hart recently landed a little summer internship earning maximum wage. “I’m just excited to get some experience in the finance world,” said Hart, a financial dependent in an upper-class family. “I figure everyone has to work a few max wage jobs right out of school.” Despite only getting maximum wage, Hart will be able to take full advantage of working alongside real people in the field, like his dad and his dad’s friends.

Accessible, Unpretentious School Sells Sushi At Rockefeller Library | Mar 06 2020

In pursuing its standard as a welcoming, unpretentious institution, Brown University sells sushi at the Rockefeller Library. “We strive to make Brown an open and inclusive institution,” said President Christina Paxson in a statement Wednesday, referencing a school that has Japanese delicacies readily available at a library bearing the name of a famous multi-billionaire.

Marty Granoff Releases Annual “Naughty or Rich” List | Dec 06 2019

Donor and Brown trustee Marty Granoff released his annual “Naughty or Rich” list this Tuesday. The list designates every student in one of the two categories and is necessary to decide who will get free meals at Bacaro, and who will be left with nothing.

Hours Of Operation Only Difference Between Mailroom And Nightclub | Dec 06 2019

Witnesses reported that the only difference between the mailroom and a nightclub are the hours of operation. “Everyone’s trying to get up to the bar up front,” noted junior Emily Ratters. “And they’re just blasting Young Thug through the speaker.

Man Who Treats Cars Like Women Probably Also Treats Women Like Cars | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that Doug Chikhol, 32, treats his car like a woman, and thus probably also treats women like cars. “When he turned the ignition, he said ‘Listen to her purr,’” one witness reported. “I can only imagine that he calls attractive women ‘hot rods.’” “He says, ‘My love and I are hitting the open road’ every time he leaves work,” said a colleague of Chikhol.

Ferrari Announces New Car Will Loudly Go Speed Limit | Oct 25 2019

In a recent press release, Ferrari CEO Lucas Cabella confirmed that their new car will loudly go the speed limit. “It’s our loudest engine yet,” said Cabella. “Cars will pull over behind you, neighbors will call the police, all because everyone is so impressed by your loud engine." The engine of the upcoming Ferrari 498 is promised to sound like it is driving at a reckless 80 miles an hour no matter its actual speed.

Area Man Wins Another Conversation | Oct 25 2019

Witnesses reported that local 26-year-old Ethan Ruth has won yet another conversation. Ruth reportedly won by a mile while socializing at a close friend’s birthday party, later claiming that no one even came close to besting him. “Another conversation, another triumph,” Ruth told himself after easily defeating all his conversational partners.

Lifeguard Has Clearly Adopted Pool Rules As Personal Moral Code | Oct 25 2019

Local lifeguard Jason Clark has clearly adopted the pool rules as his personal moral code, sources reported. He has been spotted enforcing pool rules outside of the Benson Community Pool, where he works during the summer months. “He wouldn’t let me inside the house unless I showered first,” reported Jason Garron, Clark’s roommate.

Scientists Report Falling Asleep In Backseat Of Car As Close To Teleportation As We’re Gonna Get | Sep 13 2019

A recent study concluded that falling asleep in the backseat of a car is as close to teleportation as we’re gonna get. After years of grueling research in the mechanics of teleportation, findings show that falling asleep on a long car ride is pretty much the same thing.

Game Of Catch Equally As Much Game Of Throw | Sep 13 2019

Sources have reported that a recent game of catch was pretty much equally a game of throw. Passers by at India Point Park noticed that the game appeared to have just as many catches as throws. “I know that it’s called ‘catch,’” said Dave Valencia, a witness to the game.

PawSox Move To Worcester Devastates Team’s Fan | Sep 13 2019

The beloved minor league Pawtucket Red Sox, or PawSox, have ended their time in Pawtucket, and are moving on to a new home in Worcester, Massachusetts. The news comes as a shock to the team’s devoted fanbase: area man John Kenley, 42. “I can’t believe they’re really moving,” Kenley said, recalling the many years he spent cheering his team on from the bleachers.

Report: It Warm Enough To Stop Blaming Your Depression On The Cold | Apr 19 2019

According to a report by the American Meteorological Society, it is officially warm enough to stop blaming your depression on the cold. “The season of seasonal depression is over,” said AMS President Zachary Steems. “We’re seeing 65-degree highs almost every day.

Person With Flip Phone Either Way Cooler or Way Less Cool Than You | Apr 19 2019

Witnesses report that the guy over there with a flip phone is either way cooler or way less cool than you. “I honestly just can’t tell how cool that guy is,” said Tom Moflin, a local onlooker. “At first I was like, ‘No way, that guy is like twenty years behind.

Kid Drawing 6-Legged Dog Like Some Kind of Sadistic God | Apr 19 2019

After local 5-year-old Cayden Nelson drew a 6-legged dog with crayon, sources reported that Nelson must be some sort of sadistic god. The drawing depicted a deformed dog with six limbs. The creature was unknown to this world, something than could only be the product of a demonic creator, sources said.

Friend Listening to Nothing But “Grease” Soundtrack for Past Week Blissfully Unaware of Spotify’s Social Feature | Mar 08 2019

After the ‘Friend Activity’ tab on Spotify revealed that Brenda Thompson had spent the entire week listening to nothing but the “Grease” soundtrack, sources reported that Thompson must be completely unaware that Spotify’s social feature allows all of her friends to see what she listens to.