“What we are seeing is not cause for immediate alarm, but does demand immediate action,” wrote Provost Richard Locke in a campus-wide email. “We’ve heard reports of a student-written thing in the Upspace that didn’t have any plot, and we’ve learned of plans for one of those cabarets where you don’t have to audition. If this pattern continues, we could see the return of 3-hour long site-specific Shakespeare plays and — according to some of the more dire predictions — 24-hour play festivals. To reverse this trend, the University is implementing a set of new short-term restrictions.”

In his email, Provost Locke emphasized the temporary nature of the new guidelines.

“Other colleges and universities that have implemented temporary gathering restrictions have seen a marked decrease in plays, musicals, and especially ‘experimental’ pieces,” wrote Locke. “Our community has done so well for so long without watching ten people stand in a semicircle and stumble through ‘Seasons of Love’ or whatever. If we come together now, we will not lose all the progress that we’ve made.”

At press time, the University implemented even stricter restrictions after a resurgence of sketch comedy.