Tuesday, February 18, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Ben Connor


Ben's articles

Report: Spring Weekend Will Be Christina Paxson One-Woman Multimedia Dance Experience | Dec 06 2019

The Office of the President of the University has announced that this year’s Spring Weekend headliner will be Christina Paxson herself in a one-woman multimedia dance experience. “The President’s performance piece finds itself at the intersection of traditional ballet and modern breakdance,” read the statement, released yesterday.

Admissions Officer Lives For Sick Thrill Of Giving Vague Advice At Info Sessions | Dec 06 2019

Brown University admissions officer Brian Binnie is absolutely living for the sick thrill of doling out vague and unhelpful advice to prospective students. “I can’t even begin to tell you how fun it is,” Binnie said, scrolling gleefully through a PowerPoint presentation of buzzwords and pictures of fall foliage.

Former Presidential Candidate Beto O'Rourke Earns B+ On Spanish Midterm | Dec 06 2019

Since he dropped out of the presidential race in early November, former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has reportedly earned a B+ on his Spanish midterm. “We are excited to announce that, after a week of dedicated studying, Congressman O’Rourke received an 89% on his Spanish 300 midterm,” read the press release.

New Poll Finds That If Election Were Held Today, Many Would Be Surprised | Dec 06 2019

A new Gallup poll released this morning has found that if the general election were moved to December 6, 2019, a majority of Americans would be surprised. “A full 80% of respondents would describe themselves as ‘very confused’ if the 2020 election were moved to 2019,” said CNN analyst Sharon Marcus.

Report: The Cow Has Woken Up | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that the cow has woken up. The cow, previously asleep, woke up today in what many described as an exciting turn of events. Onlookers were seen to gasp and even cheer. “He’s been asleep for hours,” one eyewitness said. “So this is big.” Prior to this, multiple reports confirmed that the cow had gone to sleep.

Bored Firefighter Secretly Hopes For A Little Arson Today | Oct 25 2019

After a remarkable lack of fire-related emergencies in the city this week, firefighter Gary Gerstle is secretly hoping for a little arson today. “It can get real slow around here, you know?” Gerstle said, glancing longingly at a fire extinguisher across the room.