Tuesday, August 4, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Ben Connor

Writer

Ben's articles

Report: Somehow, Still No Open Tables In Blue Room | Apr 24 2020

A recent report has shown that, despite the global pandemic, there are still no open tables in the Blue Room. “I really thought this was my chance,” said senior Meredith Whitney. “I’ve been trying to snag a Blue Room table for four years now, and when they announced that they were sending everyone home I thought OK, I have a pretty good shot.

Loser Freshman Can’t Even Get Rashid Zia To Sit With Him | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that loser freshman John Greco has been consistently unsuccessful in getting Dean of the College Rashid Zia to sit with him. “I’ve tried everything,” Greco lamented in his annoying little loser voice. “I camp out in the Ratty for hours doing engineering problems and loudly saying ‘Gee, I love the Open Curriculum but sometimes I have questions about it.’ He’ll go and sit at anyone’s table.

New Study Finds That Jellicles Can And Jellicles Do, Jellicles Do And Jellicles Can | Mar 06 2020

A new study provides conclusive evidence that Jellicles can and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles can. The study answers pressing questions including: Are you blind when you’re born? Can you see in the dark? Can you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne? “What we’ve found,” the study reported, “is that Jellicles are and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles would, Jellicles would and Jellicles can, Jellicles can and Jellicles do.

Amy Klobuchar Fundraising Email Explains That If Every Supporter Gave Just One Dollar, Amy Would Have Fifteen More Dollars | Mar 06 2020

A new fundraising email from presidential hopeful Amy Klobuchar explains that, if every supporter gave just one dollar, Senator Klobuchar’s campaign would have fifteen more dollars to work with. “I don’t think people understand that even the smallest contributions make a difference,” said Klobuchar’s campaign manager, Justin Buoen.

Report: Spring Weekend Will Be Christina Paxson One-Woman Multimedia Dance Experience | Dec 06 2019

The Office of the President of the University has announced that this year’s Spring Weekend headliner will be Christina Paxson herself in a one-woman multimedia dance experience. “The President’s performance piece finds itself at the intersection of traditional ballet and modern breakdance,” read the statement, released yesterday.

Admissions Officer Lives For Sick Thrill Of Giving Vague Advice At Info Sessions | Dec 06 2019

Brown University admissions officer Brian Binnie is absolutely living for the sick thrill of doling out vague and unhelpful advice to prospective students. “I can’t even begin to tell you how fun it is,” Binnie said, scrolling gleefully through a PowerPoint presentation of buzzwords and pictures of fall foliage.

Former Presidential Candidate Beto O'Rourke Earns B+ On Spanish Midterm | Dec 06 2019

Since he dropped out of the presidential race in early November, former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has reportedly earned a B+ on his Spanish midterm. “We are excited to announce that, after a week of dedicated studying, Congressman O’Rourke received an 89% on his Spanish 300 midterm,” read the press release.

New Poll Finds That If Election Were Held Today, Many Would Be Surprised | Dec 06 2019

A new Gallup poll released this morning has found that if the general election were moved to December 6, 2019, a majority of Americans would be surprised. “A full 80% of respondents would describe themselves as ‘very confused’ if the 2020 election were moved to 2019,” said CNN analyst Sharon Marcus.

Report: The Cow Has Woken Up | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that the cow has woken up. The cow, previously asleep, woke up today in what many described as an exciting turn of events. Onlookers were seen to gasp and even cheer. “He’s been asleep for hours,” one eyewitness said. “So this is big.” Prior to this, multiple reports confirmed that the cow had gone to sleep.

Bored Firefighter Secretly Hopes For A Little Arson Today | Oct 25 2019

After a remarkable lack of fire-related emergencies in the city this week, firefighter Gary Gerstle is secretly hoping for a little arson today. “It can get real slow around here, you know?” Gerstle said, glancing longingly at a fire extinguisher across the room.