Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Ben Connor


Ben's articles

As COVID Cases Rise, University Scrambles To Unveil New Word Search | Sep 17 2021

As the Delta variant continues to drive up Rhode Island’s COVID caseload, the University has scrambled to unveil a new word search. “From the onset of the pandemic, we have acted in support of one guiding principle: to protect the health of Brown’s students in whatever puzzle-related ways we are able,” wrote President Christina Paxson in an email to the Brown community.

Blue Room Reopens, Revealing Mummified Remains Of Those Trapped Within | Sep 17 2021

Brown has reopened the Blue Room Cafe, revealing the mummified remains of those students who were trapped inside in March of 2020. “The Blue Room was essentially frozen in time last March,” said Professor of Archaeology Tyler Franconi, using a small brush to remove dust from a long-abandoned Hydro Flask.

It So Weird To See People In Person Again, Reports Student Coming Directly From Martha’s Vineyard Mega-Soirée | Sep 17 2021

Sophomore Adam Cahan has reported that it’s so weird to see people in person again after arriving on campus straight from a Martha’s Vineyard mega-soirée. “After a year of us all living online, it’s really strange to see all these people up close and personal,” said Cahan, unpacking the decorative leis that had been handed out at the luau-themed ultra-blowout.

Paxson Delivers Stirring Rendition Of “Back Together (And Baby Don’t It Feel Good)” At Opening Convocation | Sep 17 2021

At this year’s Opening Convocation, President Christina Paxson delivered a stirring rendition of the 1977 hit “Back Together (And Baby Don’t It Feel Good)” to the incoming freshman class. In her musicalized remarks, Paxson explained to the crowd that they had been “Kept apart for a thousand years” and that she needed “Some good reason to dry my tears.” She went on to add that “Shoo bee doo doo, shoo bee doo doo, it always was you, it always was you, baby” before launching into the central theme of this year’s speech.

University Preaches COVID Caution, Maintains Confidence, Preaches Confidently Maintaining Cautious Confidence | Sep 17 2021

In a recent email, President Christina Paxson and University administration preached COVID caution, while maintaining their confidence and advising students to confidently maintain cautious confidence. “Now is a time for celebration, sacrifice, relaxation, and vigilance,” the email announced.

COVID Unveils Delta Silver Premium For Longtime Subscribers | Sep 17 2021

As the Delta and Delta Plus variants continue to spike across the country, COVID has announced a new Delta Silver Premium option for longtime subscribers. “Some of you have been tempting fate for a long time now,” said COVID at a press conference last week.

Area Woman Loses Both Hamilton Lottery And Ailing Mother In One Weekend | Sep 17 2021

Sources report that area woman Julie Lovins has lost both the Hamilton lottery and her ailing mother in the space of a single weekend. “You’re never prepared for even one of those things to happen,” said Lovins through tears. “Maybe I could’ve processed them better if they’d been spaced out.

Vaccinations May First Become Widely Available May First, First May Go Forth May Second, Second May Second First May Fourth | Apr 09 2021

In a recent address to the American people, President Joe Biden announced that COVID-19 vaccinations may first become widely available on May First, with first doses going forth on the second and second doses seconding the first on the fourth. “The first of May may be the first day on which vaccines go forth, but only thirty thousand will be forthcoming at first,” said Biden in his address.

NASA Announces Plans To Fake Mars Landing | Apr 09 2021

In a press release, NASA announced its plans to fake a manned Mars landing by the year 2028. “Thanks to advances in the relevant technology, we’ve been able to move the timeline up by quite a bit,” said NASA administrator Samuel Ward. “Construction on the Nevada soundstage has gone ahead of schedule, and the video editing technology we’re using to add stars in post-production is nearly complete.” The seven-year goal is the result of years of preparation, Ward added.

Professor’s Office Hours Whenever Wind Whistles Through The Old Elm Tree | Mar 12 2021

According to her page on the department website, Adjunct Professor of English Constance Hunting holds office hours whenever the wind whistles through the old elm tree near her office. “There were no times listed on the syllabus,” explained Sam Arnold, a junior in Professor Hunting’s “Time, Place, and Pain in Fiction” seminar.

Pulitzer Prize Winner Donna Tartt Hoping To Finally Be Allowed Into Lit Arts Class Next Semester | Mar 12 2021

Donna Tartt, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Goldfinch, is hoping to finally be allowed into a Literary Arts class next semester, sources report. “I’ve been submitting writing samples for several semesters now,” said Ms. Tartt, whose books have sold over 10 million copies in the last thirty years.

Vice President Estes Breaks Up Oversized Pod By Spreading Toxic Rumors About Chris And Katie | Mar 12 2021

In response to reports of oversized freshman pods, Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes has broken up an outsized friend group by spreading toxic rumors about Chris and Katie. “He sent us this long, official email,” said Norman Isham, a member of the friend group.

Joe Biden Reinserts Soul Into America In Painful 8-Hour Laparoscopic Surgery | Feb 05 2021

Making good on his campaign promise, President Joe Biden has reportedly reinserted the soul into America during a painful, 8-hour laparoscopic surgery. “No one expected this to be an easy procedure,” said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who assisted with the laparoscopy.

Jill Biden Ends Melania’s Embarrassing “Be Best” Initiative, Recommences Cyberbullying Children | Feb 05 2021

First Lady Jill Biden will reportedly end Melania Trump’s embarrassing “Be Best” anti-bullying initiative and begin cyberbullying children again. “In every way possible, we’re trying to put the last four years behind us,” said the First Lady’s press secretary, Michael LaRosa.

You Can Have Your Stupid Cross Country Team Back, But I’m Not Coming To Any Of The Meets by President Christina Paxson | Feb 05 2021

To the Brown community, It has become clear over the past few months, from discussions with students, alumni, and parents, that you all really refuse to shut up about the University’s decision to transition men’s cross country to club status.

Repaurt: Dream Haus Regrauts Saupersprauder Evaunt | Feb 05 2021

Sources repaurt that members of Dream Haus regraut their invaulvement in a haus party that became a saupersprauder evaunt. “Wau, we’re aull feeling daun abaut this,” said Haus co-chairs Hauie Taunsend and Meadau Bauman, annauncing their apaulogy to everyone in Prauvidence.

Allotted Timeline For Completing University's COVID Word Search Grows Frighteningly Short | Oct 30 2020

With only a month and a half remaining in the Fall 2020 semester, the allotted timeline for completing Brown’s COVID word search has grown frighteningly short. “It’s almost impossible to balance this with my classes,” said senior Kevin Young, circling the word ‘bear’ in colored pencil.

President Paxson Outraged To Learn Of Lacrosse Team Throwing Parties She Wasn’t Invited To | Oct 30 2020

Brown University President Christina Paxson was outraged in recent weeks to learn that the lacrosse team has been throwing parties she wasn’t invited to. “This behavior is reckless and irresponsible,” said President Paxson in a campus-wide email.

Bored COVID Tester Memorizes Fifty Years’ Worth Of Women’s Track And Field Records | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that bored Brown University COVID tester Josh Toulmin has memorized fifty years’ worth of women’s track and field records posted at the OMAC gymnasium. “There’s a lot of down time between each testee,” said Toulmin, staring at the all-too familiar wall of track and field records.

I Just Bought A New Pair Of Headphones, So I Hope You Can All Hjkkkkhhmnrrrrrrwjkzmeeeeeeek by Your Professor | Oct 30 2020

Hi everyone, I hope you’re well. This Zoom thing is still pretty crazy to me — oh, Samantha’s here, welcome Samantha — but I know last time we had a little problem with audio feedback. This weekend, though, I went out and bought a new pair of headphones, so I hope you can all hjkkkkhhmnrrrrrrwjkzmeeeeeeek.

Protagonist In Teen Drama Drops Pill Bottle Onto Pregnancy Test, Knocking Over Empty Beer Can With Murder Weapon Inside | Sep 25 2020

On the latest episode of the teen drama Waterwind Falls, the protagonist, Allie Strong, dropped a pill bottle onto a pregnancy test, knocking over an empty beer can with the murder weapon inside. “It was all such a blur,” said Allie, wiping her mascara.

Report: Students Excited For Return To In-Person Loneliness | Sep 25 2020

Undergraduates returning to Providence for the fall semester are excited for a return to in-person loneliness, a new poll has found. A full 80% of students polled were “very excited” that they would be able to be isolated in a different city.

LitArts Class Requires Writing Sample, Gallon Of Your Tears | Sep 25 2020

Sources report that LITR1730, Fiction In and Out of Genre, requires both a writing sample and a gallon of your tears for admission into the class. “On the first day of the semester, all students not already registered in LITR1730 must submit a gallon of their tears and a writing sample by 4 pm to the Literary Arts building at 68.5 Brown Street," said Literary Arts professor John Holmes.

Outraged Governor Demands That Protesters Be Dragged Only Into Marked Vans | Sep 25 2020

In response to nationwide reports of protester mistreatment, Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker has demanded that protesters in his state be dragged only into marked vans. “What I’m seeing across the country is ridiculous,” said Pritzker at a news conference on Thursday, pounding his fist on the podium.

Report: Somehow, Still No Open Tables In Blue Room | Apr 24 2020

A recent report has shown that, despite the global pandemic, there are still no open tables in the Blue Room. “I really thought this was my chance,” said senior Meredith Whitney. “I’ve been trying to snag a Blue Room table for four years now, and when they announced that they were sending everyone home I thought OK, I have a pretty good shot.

Loser Freshman Can’t Even Get Rashid Zia To Sit With Him | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that loser freshman John Greco has been consistently unsuccessful in getting Dean of the College Rashid Zia to sit with him. “I’ve tried everything,” Greco lamented in his annoying little loser voice. “I camp out in the Ratty for hours doing engineering problems and loudly saying ‘Gee, I love the Open Curriculum but sometimes I have questions about it.’ He’ll go and sit at anyone’s table.

New Study Finds That Jellicles Can And Jellicles Do, Jellicles Do And Jellicles Can | Mar 06 2020

A new study provides conclusive evidence that Jellicles can and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles can. The study answers pressing questions including: Are you blind when you’re born? Can you see in the dark? Can you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne? “What we’ve found,” the study reported, “is that Jellicles are and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles would, Jellicles would and Jellicles can, Jellicles can and Jellicles do.

Amy Klobuchar Fundraising Email Explains That If Every Supporter Gave Just One Dollar, Amy Would Have Fifteen More Dollars | Mar 06 2020

A new fundraising email from presidential hopeful Amy Klobuchar explains that, if every supporter gave just one dollar, Senator Klobuchar’s campaign would have fifteen more dollars to work with. “I don’t think people understand that even the smallest contributions make a difference,” said Klobuchar’s campaign manager, Justin Buoen.

Report: Spring Weekend Will Be Christina Paxson One-Woman Multimedia Dance Experience | Dec 06 2019

The Office of the President of the University has announced that this year’s Spring Weekend headliner will be Christina Paxson herself in a one-woman multimedia dance experience. “The President’s performance piece finds itself at the intersection of traditional ballet and modern breakdance,” read the statement, released yesterday.

Admissions Officer Lives For Sick Thrill Of Giving Vague Advice At Info Sessions | Dec 06 2019

Brown University admissions officer Brian Binnie is absolutely living for the sick thrill of doling out vague and unhelpful advice to prospective students. “I can’t even begin to tell you how fun it is,” Binnie said, scrolling gleefully through a PowerPoint presentation of buzzwords and pictures of fall foliage.

Former Presidential Candidate Beto O'Rourke Earns B+ On Spanish Midterm | Dec 06 2019

Since he dropped out of the presidential race in early November, former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has reportedly earned a B+ on his Spanish midterm. “We are excited to announce that, after a week of dedicated studying, Congressman O’Rourke received an 89% on his Spanish 300 midterm,” read the press release.

New Poll Finds That If Election Were Held Today, Many Would Be Surprised | Dec 06 2019

A new Gallup poll released this morning has found that if the general election were moved to December 6, 2019, a majority of Americans would be surprised. “A full 80% of respondents would describe themselves as ‘very confused’ if the 2020 election were moved to 2019,” said CNN analyst Sharon Marcus.

Report: The Cow Has Woken Up | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that the cow has woken up. The cow, previously asleep, woke up today in what many described as an exciting turn of events. Onlookers were seen to gasp and even cheer. “He’s been asleep for hours,” one eyewitness said. “So this is big.” Prior to this, multiple reports confirmed that the cow had gone to sleep.

Bored Firefighter Secretly Hopes For A Little Arson Today | Oct 25 2019

After a remarkable lack of fire-related emergencies in the city this week, firefighter Gary Gerstle is secretly hoping for a little arson today. “It can get real slow around here, you know?” Gerstle said, glancing longingly at a fire extinguisher across the room.