Ben's articles
The 1943 musical comedy And Away We Go! reportedly insists on canceling itself with a “Chinatown Ballet” or some shit like that.
“The plot is totally innocuous,” said music historian Julia Clarke. “It’s about a poor man who falls in love with the daughter of an oil baron.
Sources report that there is absolutely no way former president Bill Clinton wrote a word of the paperback thriller The President’s Daughter.
“I mean, it’s got his name on the front,” said local book enthusiast David Onek. “But I have a super hard time believing that Bill Clinton sat down and plotted out a high-octane action novel where fictional President Matthew Keating personally leads a Navy SEAL mission to rescue his kidnapped daughter.”
Onek also expressed doubt that Clinton could have created the character of Trask Floyd, hardened combat veteran turned wealthy actor and movie director.
A shitty Irish proverb from the 4th century reportedly doesn’t mention the wind at your back or the ground beneath your feet.
“It’s pretty disappointing,” said Irish linguist Nancy Lublin. “This one says nothing about ten thousand yesterdays and ten thousand tomorrows, and doesn’t bother to mention Lady Luck, or Father Time, or Dame Fortune, or Saint Patrick.”
The proverb in question also showed a real lack of references to greener pastures, sunnier morrows, clefted hillocks, slender dales, treacherous mires, Da’s shillelagh, and dirt.
As the weather warmed considerably these past two weeks, students flocked to the Main Green to enjoy the balmy day and maybe see someone fall off the Aerial Arts trapeze.
“It’d be a shame to waste this beautiful day,” said junior Iris Bahr.
Sources report that the Ben & Jerry’s flavor Stephen Colbert’s Ameri-Cone Dream actually tastes more like Seth Meyers. “I don’t know, there’s something more caustic and witty to these chocolate,” said local ice cream enthusiast Janetta Benton.
Leaning back in their office chairs as they stubbed out a lit cigarette, the nation’s detectives announced plans to realize they’ve been looking at the case all wrong.
“Collectively we’re proud to announce our upcoming decision to stare at a piece of paper for 30 seconds, widen our eyes, and then murmur ‘Wait a moment!’” wrote the detectives in a press release.
Ah, ‘tis I! But wait— it cannot be I, for I am here and he is there! Ah, the great puzzle!
What craven sorcery lies herein? Yon figure looks all too similar to my own person, but he is thither and I am hither. There is space between us, and yet he and I make not dissimilar forms and positions— a duality, as it were.
Sources report that area man Sam Foss isn’t using that chair, go wild buddy. “Nah, I’m not using it, go crazy,” said Foss, who wasn’t using the chair. “Cut loose. Have a blast. Knock yourself out. Make a mess. Take ’er for a spin. Shoot your shot. Go for broke. Live out loud. Veni, vidi, vici.” At press time, a local woman wasn’t in line, no, it’s all yours, go for it.
The annual Warburton County Estate Auction was thrown into chaos on Sunday when auctioneer William Williams Keen began shouting “Swing, batter batter.”
“Fifty for the candlestick set! Do I have fifty? Fifty, thank you, sir. Sixty for the entire set, do I see sixty? Heeeeeeeeeeeeey batter batter, swing batter batter, he can’t hit, he can’t hit, sixty from the woman in the front row,” shouted Keen, waving his auctioneer’s gavel.
A campus-wide email this week announced that COVID case levels on campus have stabilized at Who the hell knows.
“We continue to be grateful for the continued vigilance of the Brown community,” wrote Provost Richard Locke. “Thanks to your efforts, case levels have dropped from Fuck if I have any idea to Maybe like 80 does that sound right, all the way to our current COVID level, Who the hell knows.
Avaunt, lads! I would fain tell ye of my plans to build a thoroughfare on this very plot of land so that carriages might hie themselves hither and yon, and so that one day they’ll sell $55 tie-dye skirts upon it.
O! The dreams I have of this causeway that I shall pave from end to end.
According to area teenager Emily Falk, her mother keeps butter in a special refrigerator compartment as though it were a minor deity.
“It could totally be on a shelf with the rest of the food,” said Falk, as her mother gingerly lifted the butter back into its resting place as one would lift a graven idol of the cow god Baal.
Media studies scholars at Colby College have reported that long-running CBS drama The Obelisk is the best show on television, except for seasons 1, 4, 6, the flashback episodes, and the finale.
“You have to skip the pilot,” said lead researcher Yang Wei.
Sources report that the Washington Post’s “Daily Digest” newsletter offers grim images of the recent hurricane in Indonesia and a recipe for easy-to-make artichoke dip.
“The devastation on the island of Bali is unbelievable,” read the most recent Digest.
Bro, this concert is fucking lit. Wait, man, you’ve got beer running down your back — lemme lick it off for you. I know I’m not supposed to or whatever, but I honestly feel like we’re all gonna get COVID at some point.
We can’t let the pandemic keep us from doing things forever.
Shakespeare on the Green’s production of Henry VI, Part 1 has made the Bard’s work relevant to today by giving one character a cell phone.
“The play deals with some themes that can feel very distant to us, like the loss of Britain’s French territories, the rise of the Plantagenets, and the power struggle between noble laity and prelates beginning in 1422,” said Lucy Blake ’22, who directed the production.
Historians report that 13th-century Dutch cartographer Leewyghn van Reeuoeboek worked on a map of the world for 30 years, and it isn’t even close.
“You can tell he was trying,” said archivist and historian Marianne Bronner, pointing to a wildly distorted map.
According to sources who described themselves as late for a meeting across town, “Taxi!” “Hey Taxi! What’s a guy gotta do to get a cab in this town?" sources reported, waving wildly and running halfway into the street, resorting to jumping up and down like a madman as a yellow cab whizzed by without stopping. “I’ll just walk, how do you like that? I’ll take 45th Street and I’ll walk, you son of a bitch!” At press time, a source at a nearby restaurant reported “Waiter!”
A new peer-reviewed study from Lehigh University recently reported that you’ll never make it in this business with those freckles, sweetheart.
“You’ve got dynamite gams, sugar,” reported the research team, whose work appeared in this month’s issue of Science Quarterly.
Senate Democrats have announced a plan to strip Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) of his current tiebreaking power by badly losing the 2022 midterm elections.
“We’re sick and tired of Senator Manchin’s position as a constant stumbling block to the Democratic agenda in this 50-50 Senate,” wrote Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer in a letter to the Democratic caucus.
University administration has tightened its guidelines on gatherings after a concerning campus-wide increase in student theatre.
“What we are seeing is not cause for immediate alarm, but does demand immediate action,” wrote Provost Richard Locke in a campus-wide email.
Sources report that 40-person unmasked tours have been floating through the University’s campus like medieval plague ships.
“Our guidance no longer requires visitors to wear masks as they tour Brown’s campus,” said admissions officer Andrew Marantz, as a tour glided by behind him like a barge full of lepers writhing on top of each other.
Sources report that concentrators in the Assyriology Department were recently disillusioned after hearing that the Kingdom of Assyria fell in 612 BC.
“It made me rethink my whole career path,” said David Gale, a senior and Assyriology concentrator.
The University’s Class Coordinating Board has apologized for scheduling its Senior Flatbread night on the Eleventh Eve of Saturnalia, Ancient Jubilee of the Romans.
“We want to extend our sincere apologies for our oversight in scheduling,” said CCB President Holly Peterson.
Sources report that what began as a fun little Friday night PowerPoint party has devolved into a full-on Google Sheets orgy.
“I don’t really know what happened,” said senior Ronan Fitzgerald, who hosted the event. “One minute someone was delivering a little presentation on which High School Musical characters should’ve ended up with each other, and then somebody smashed a beer can on their forehead and started shouting about how Sheets has conditional formatting that allows you to highlight outliers in your data, and now things are just out of control.”
The hosts of the event attempted to keep control as partygoers whipped themselves into an orgiastic frenzy of ImportHTML functions, sparklines, and checkbox columns.
Sources report that Treasury Secretary and Brown University graduate Janet Yellen got super fucked up in this basement in 1952.
“I hear it was right over there,” said sophomore Katherine Chon, pointing to the corner of the Caswell basement where the former Chair of the Federal Reserve allegedly yakked all over the couch.
Psst… Hey kid! You want to win an Amazon gift card? You ever… smoked weed before? Why don’t you try out this little survey?
Look, you didn’t hear this from me, but the Department of Cognitive, Linguistic, and Psychological Sciences is in need of participants for an upcoming study on the effects of marijuana use in adults ranging in age from 17-25.
We, the Jabberwocks, would like to offer our fully formed apology to the Brown community for recent events. In true Jabberwock form, our apology comes in the form of a sooooooooooong!
It’s true, we wrote cards
Some nasty notecards
One thing’s for sure, it wasn’t right
(Shoo bop ba doo doo)
Alto to bassist
Boy, we were racist
And now we’re do-re-mi-fa-soooooooo contrite
We know it’s not a situation we can fix well
But listen to our golden-voiced ensemble mix well:
We’re well and truly sorry!
The Jabberwocks are sorry!
The story dropped, and we’ve been chopped and diced like calamari
For every single fella
Who came to a cappella
We wrote a ton of insults, they could fill a small novella
We know that our response has been a bit legato
But here we are, with grief and guilt and great vibrato
We’re really, really sorry
The Jabberwocks are sorry!
So don’t make us the quarry in your canceling safari!
Our meaner former members
Are gone like dying embers
They might have said some awful stuff, but frankly, who remembers?
So could we please turn back the clock?
Not only can we talk the talk
But soon you’ll see,
We guarantee,
That we can walk the…
(Jabber)
Waaaaaaaaaaaalk!.
As the Delta variant continues to drive up Rhode Island’s COVID caseload, the University has scrambled to unveil a new word search.
“From the onset of the pandemic, we have acted in support of one guiding principle: to protect the health of Brown’s students in whatever puzzle-related ways we are able,” wrote President Christina Paxson in an email to the Brown community.
Brown has reopened the Blue Room Cafe, revealing the mummified remains of those students who were trapped inside in March of 2020.
“The Blue Room was essentially frozen in time last March,” said Professor of Archaeology Tyler Franconi, using a small brush to remove dust from a long-abandoned Hydro Flask.
Sophomore Adam Cahan has reported that it’s so weird to see people in person again after arriving on campus straight from a Martha’s Vineyard mega-soirée.
“After a year of us all living online, it’s really strange to see all these people up close and personal,” said Cahan, unpacking the decorative leis that had been handed out at the luau-themed ultra-blowout.
At this year’s Opening Convocation, President Christina Paxson delivered a stirring rendition of the 1977 hit “Back Together (And Baby Don’t It Feel Good)” to the incoming freshman class.
In her musicalized remarks, Paxson explained to the crowd that they had been “Kept apart for a thousand years” and that she needed “Some good reason to dry my tears.” She went on to add that “Shoo bee doo doo, shoo bee doo doo, it always was you, it always was you, baby” before launching into the central theme of this year’s speech.
In a recent email, President Christina Paxson and University administration preached COVID caution, while maintaining their confidence and advising students to confidently maintain cautious confidence.
“Now is a time for celebration, sacrifice, relaxation, and vigilance,” the email announced.
As the Delta and Delta Plus variants continue to spike across the country, COVID has announced a new Delta Silver Premium option for longtime subscribers. “Some of you have been tempting fate for a long time now,” said COVID at a press conference last week.
Sources report that area woman Julie Lovins has lost both the Hamilton lottery and her ailing mother in the space of a single weekend.
“You’re never prepared for even one of those things to happen,” said Lovins through tears. “Maybe I could’ve processed them better if they’d been spaced out.
In a recent address to the American people, President Joe Biden announced that COVID-19 vaccinations may first become widely available on May First, with first doses going forth on the second and second doses seconding the first on the fourth.
“The first of May may be the first day on which vaccines go forth, but only thirty thousand will be forthcoming at first,” said Biden in his address.
In a press release, NASA announced its plans to fake a manned Mars landing by the year 2028.
“Thanks to advances in the relevant technology, we’ve been able to move the timeline up by quite a bit,” said NASA administrator Samuel Ward. “Construction on the Nevada soundstage has gone ahead of schedule, and the video editing technology we’re using to add stars in post-production is nearly complete.”
The seven-year goal is the result of years of preparation, Ward added.
According to her page on the department website, Adjunct Professor of English Constance Hunting holds office hours whenever the wind whistles through the old elm tree near her office.
“There were no times listed on the syllabus,” explained Sam Arnold, a junior in Professor Hunting’s “Time, Place, and Pain in Fiction” seminar.
Donna Tartt, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Goldfinch, is hoping to finally be allowed into a Literary Arts class next semester, sources report.
“I’ve been submitting writing samples for several semesters now,” said Ms. Tartt, whose books have sold over 10 million copies in the last thirty years.
In response to reports of oversized freshman pods, Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes has broken up an outsized friend group by spreading toxic rumors about Chris and Katie.
“He sent us this long, official email,” said Norman Isham, a member of the friend group.
Making good on his campaign promise, President Joe Biden has reportedly reinserted the soul into America during a painful, 8-hour laparoscopic surgery. “No one expected this to be an easy procedure,” said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who assisted with the laparoscopy.
First Lady Jill Biden will reportedly end Melania Trump’s embarrassing “Be Best” anti-bullying initiative and begin cyberbullying children again.
“In every way possible, we’re trying to put the last four years behind us,” said the First Lady’s press secretary, Michael LaRosa.
To the Brown community,
It has become clear over the past few months, from discussions with students, alumni, and parents, that you all really refuse to shut up about the University’s decision to transition men’s cross country to club status.
Sources repaurt that members of Dream Haus regraut their invaulvement in a haus party that became a saupersprauder evaunt.
“Wau, we’re aull feeling daun abaut this,” said Haus co-chairs Hauie Taunsend and Meadau Bauman, annauncing their apaulogy to everyone in Prauvidence.
With only a month and a half remaining in the Fall 2020 semester, the allotted timeline for completing Brown’s COVID word search has grown frighteningly short.
“It’s almost impossible to balance this with my classes,” said senior Kevin Young, circling the word ‘bear’ in colored pencil.
Brown University President Christina Paxson was outraged in recent weeks to learn that the lacrosse team has been throwing parties she wasn’t invited to.
“This behavior is reckless and irresponsible,” said President Paxson in a campus-wide email.
Sources report that bored Brown University COVID tester Josh Toulmin has memorized fifty years’ worth of women’s track and field records posted at the OMAC gymnasium.
“There’s a lot of down time between each testee,” said Toulmin, staring at the all-too familiar wall of track and field records.
Hi everyone, I hope you’re well. This Zoom thing is still pretty crazy to me — oh, Samantha’s here, welcome Samantha — but I know last time we had a little problem with audio feedback. This weekend, though, I went out and bought a new pair of headphones, so I hope you can all hjkkkkhhmnrrrrrrwjkzmeeeeeeek.
On the latest episode of the teen drama Waterwind Falls, the protagonist, Allie Strong, dropped a pill bottle onto a pregnancy test, knocking over an empty beer can with the murder weapon inside.
“It was all such a blur,” said Allie, wiping her mascara.
Undergraduates returning to Providence for the fall semester are excited for a return to in-person loneliness, a new poll has found.
A full 80% of students polled were “very excited” that they would be able to be isolated in a different city.
Sources report that LITR1730, Fiction In and Out of Genre, requires both a writing sample and a gallon of your tears for admission into the class.
“On the first day of the semester, all students not already registered in LITR1730 must submit a gallon of their tears and a writing sample by 4 pm to the Literary Arts building at 68.5 Brown Street," said Literary Arts professor John Holmes.
In response to nationwide reports of protester mistreatment, Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker has demanded that protesters in his state be dragged only into marked vans.
“What I’m seeing across the country is ridiculous,” said Pritzker at a news conference on Thursday, pounding his fist on the podium.
A recent report has shown that, despite the global pandemic, there are still no open tables in the Blue Room.
“I really thought this was my chance,” said senior Meredith Whitney. “I’ve been trying to snag a Blue Room table for four years now, and when they announced that they were sending everyone home I thought OK, I have a pretty good shot.
Sources report that loser freshman John Greco has been consistently unsuccessful in getting Dean of the College Rashid Zia to sit with him.
“I’ve tried everything,” Greco lamented in his annoying little loser voice. “I camp out in the Ratty for hours doing engineering problems and loudly saying ‘Gee, I love the Open Curriculum but sometimes I have questions about it.’ He’ll go and sit at anyone’s table.
A new study provides conclusive evidence that Jellicles can and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles can.
The study answers pressing questions including: Are you blind when you’re born? Can you see in the dark? Can you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne?
“What we’ve found,” the study reported, “is that Jellicles are and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles would, Jellicles would and Jellicles can, Jellicles can and Jellicles do.
A new fundraising email from presidential hopeful Amy Klobuchar explains that, if every supporter gave just one dollar, Senator Klobuchar’s campaign would have fifteen more dollars to work with.
“I don’t think people understand that even the smallest contributions make a difference,” said Klobuchar’s campaign manager, Justin Buoen.
The Office of the President of the University has announced that this year’s Spring Weekend headliner will be Christina Paxson herself in a one-woman multimedia dance experience.
“The President’s performance piece finds itself at the intersection of traditional ballet and modern breakdance,” read the statement, released yesterday.
Brown University admissions officer Brian Binnie is absolutely living for the sick thrill of doling out vague and unhelpful advice to prospective students.
“I can’t even begin to tell you how fun it is,” Binnie said, scrolling gleefully through a PowerPoint presentation of buzzwords and pictures of fall foliage.
Since he dropped out of the presidential race in early November, former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has reportedly earned a B+ on his Spanish midterm.
“We are excited to announce that, after a week of dedicated studying, Congressman O’Rourke received an 89% on his Spanish 300 midterm,” read the press release.
A new Gallup poll released this morning has found that if the general election were moved to December 6, 2019, a majority of Americans would be surprised.
“A full 80% of respondents would describe themselves as ‘very confused’ if the 2020 election were moved to 2019,” said CNN analyst Sharon Marcus.
Sources report that the cow has woken up.
The cow, previously asleep, woke up today in what many described as an exciting turn of events. Onlookers were seen to gasp and even cheer. “He’s been asleep for hours,” one eyewitness said. “So this is big.”
Prior to this, multiple reports confirmed that the cow had gone to sleep.
After a remarkable lack of fire-related emergencies in the city this week, firefighter Gary Gerstle is secretly hoping for a little arson today.
“It can get real slow around here, you know?” Gerstle said, glancing longingly at a fire extinguisher across the room.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
