“Single-use plastic bottles can linger in our oceans and other natural ecosystems for almost 500 years!” said Amazon’s public relations officer Stanley Mortimer. “By transitioning to reusables we can ensure that our drivers can use the precious seconds between deliveries to piss into containers in a way that’s more eco-friendly.”

“We couldn’t be more excited about our new environmental initiative!” Mortimer continued, showing off the ten available decals that workers can use to personalize their piss bottles. “Our employees are excited too! Hundreds of drivers have already told us that they ‘urgently’ need to use our new bottles."

At press time, Amazon announced a batch of new energy-efficient managerial automatons.