Sunday, May 19, 2024
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Jordan De Padova

Editor-in-Chief

Jordan's articles

Guy Who’s Presenting Would Love To Make It More Of A Class Discussion If That’s Cool | May 03 2024

Reports indicate that the guy presenting his final project in your history seminar would actually love to make it more of a class discussion if that’s cool. “I mean, I have a bunch of slides and stuff prepared that I could go through and talk about, but honestly, I think this will be a lot more insightful if you guys participate too,” said presenter Will Limelli, who realistically has about four minutes of content prepared for this 35-minute presentation and is now relying on you, the class, to fill out that additional 31 minutes.

Area Woman Realizing Only Way Out Of Bad Story Is To Lie About What Happens Next | May 03 2024

With a sinking feeling, area woman Jane D’Esta, is slowly realizing the only way out of this bad story is to completely lie about what happens next. “So, THEN, a cop comes around the corner and says: ‘Ma’am, no surfing in the zoo!’” exclaimed D’Esta to a round of raucous laughter from listeners who were spared the real end of the story where Jane and her friends just have a normal day at the zoo.

Report: British Singer Sounds Normal When Singing | May 03 2024

According to concert goers at Loose Change’s most recent performance, British lead singer Mitch McGrist sounded normal when singing. “Mitch sounded good out there. I was a bit worried going in but luckily things went smoothly,” said Loose Change’s manager, Eve Mann, relieved to hear Mitch’s voice sounded absolutely ordinary while he crooned away on stage, despite the singer’s heavy Cockney accent.

Veterinarian Just Gonna Treat This Bird Like A Dog And Cross Their Fingers | May 03 2024

According to support staff at Paws That Heal, veterinarian Eddy Grange is just gonna treat this bird like it’s a dog and cross his fingers. “Bum wing eh? Hmmmmm. Ok, well, wings are kinda like a birds front legs, right? And the beak is like the nose.

Report: Twerp Scrawny | May 03 2024

According to a recent report out of San Batista High School, twerp Aidan Gould is incredibly scrawny. “He is a textbook wimp. I looked at him and thought, ‘That is the wiriest little runt I’ve ever seen,’” said local bully Chuggs Dunck, reflecting on what a startlingly puny shrimp Gould was. “Seeing a pipsqueak that feeble was like Christmas morning for me.” At press time, cretin oafish.

Report: When I’ve Got A Gullet Full Of Yoplait, We All Win | May 03 2024

According to a recent report I just wrote, when I’ve got a gullet full of Yoplait yogurt, we kinda all win. “Not only would I be thrilled that he gets to stuff his maw full of creamy yogurt, there are numerous other intangible ways that I’d benefit from seeing that guy with a gullet full of Yoplait” is what I figure most people are thinking right now, which is why I’d love to cut to the chase here and get a couple dozen cups cracked open and start filling my gaping mouth with delicious low fat yogurt.

Childhood Bully Not So Tough Now That You Two Are Gently Kissing And Reflecting On Your Unlikely Love | Mar 15 2024

According to the quiet purring sound emanating from your tender embrace, you childhood bully isn’t so tough now that you two are gently kissing and reflecting on your unlikely love. “I used to beat this twerp into a pulp every day because he was always so stubborn about giving up his lunch money,” said childhood bully Avery Glick, who isn’t nearly as scary as he used to be now that he’s cuddling you softly and whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Report: Robot Doctor Just Calling Iron Lung “Lung” | Mar 15 2024

According to reports from Rhode Island Hospital, one of the attending robot physicians has just been referring to iron lungs as “lungs.” “When a patient comes in whose life is on the line, we don’t have time for redundancies,” said Robot Doctor Flux Boop, struggling to understand that an iron lung is very different from a regular lung for patients that aren’t made of metal.

Beautiful Piece Of Conceptual Art Just 20,000 Locusts In Your Mouth | Mar 15 2024

Local patrons of the arts are reportedly awestruck by the beauty of a beautiful new piece of conceptual art that is just 20,000 locusts in your mouth. “It’s about power, it’s about identity, but it’s also about rejecting both of those things,” said artist Fabrizio Gollinari, corralling a teeming swarm of disgusting locusts into your gaping maw.

Biden Reveals Secret To Long Lasting Marriage Remarrying When You're 40 | Mar 15 2024

At a recent press conference, President Biden revealed the secret to a long-lasting marriage is simply remarrying when you’re 40. “It absolutely did wonders for us. I really recommend it to anyone out there having marital issues,” said Biden, confirming that the key to making your relationship with that special someone stand the test of time is usually starting over with someone new sometime during middle age.

Report: 3 Of Your Grandparents Doing Just Fine | Mar 15 2024

A new report released last week confirms that three of your grandparents are doing fine. “We have conducted a thorough and comprehensive review of the state of your family, specifically focusing on the soundness of your grandparents,” stated the report, referencing your Mom’s Mom, Mom’s Dad, and Dad’s Dad.

What Do Tapioca Moms, Gerber Babies, and SeaWorld Employees All Have In Common? They’re Voting Blocs To Watch In 2024. Let’s Check The Map. by Politico Online | Mar 15 2024

What Do Tapioca Moms, Gerber Babies, and SeaWorld Employees All Have In Common? They’re Voting Blocs To Watch In 2024. Let’s Check The Map. In the Midwest, we expect to see Tapioca Moms shaping the way important Rust Belt swing states like Ohio, Michigan, and Wisconsin look for Biden.

Report: Podcast Guest Also Has Podcast | Mar 15 2024

According to the introduction of the most recent episode of the podcast “Crime Ever After,” it sounds like this podcast guest also has their own podcast. “We’re so excited Jessie is here to talk to us today about a story she’s been talking about for a while now,” exclaimed host Abigail Bridges, giving the floor to her guest that episode, who plans to just say all the things she already said on her podcast, again, on this podcast.

Maybelline Vows To End Animal Testing On All Rabbits That Don’t Look Stunning With Blush On | Feb 16 2024

In a statement released by their communications department, cosmetics giant Maybelline vows to end animal testing on all rabbits that don’t look stunning with blush on. “At Maybelline, we believe there is never an excuse for animal testing except for in a few select cases,” began the statement, referring to the fact that if a rabbit looks absolutely drop-dead gorgeous with blush on it would be a crime not to doll it up.

IKEA Gives New Homeowners Helpful Insight Into What Their Bedroom Would Look Like If It Opened Up To A 15 Million Square Foot Industrial Warehouse | Feb 16 2024

Sources confirm that a recent trip to IKEA has given new homeowners helpful insight into what their bedroom would look like if it opened up to a 15 million square foot industrial warehouse. “This makes the master bedroom feel so much bigger!” said Sarah Frush, noting the missing wall that revealed a sprawling storage depot.

High School Sweethearts Bonded By Fact They Were Both 15 At Same Time | Feb 16 2024

According to sources close to Steve and Peyton, the highschool sweethearts are forever bonded by the fact that they were both 15 at the same time. “I just know I’ll never have what we have with anyone else,” cooed Peyton, mainly referring to the fact that they were both born in 2009 and both took Geometry the same year.

Elephants Are So Heavy They Would Definitely Pop A Big Ball If They Tried To Balance On One by Guy Who Has Never Been To The Circus | Feb 16 2024

There aren’t a ton of things that I’m sure about. Death and taxes I guess. Also the fact that, since elephants are so big and heavy, they would deeeefinitely pop a big ball if they tried to balance on it. I’m super sure about that. I’m also sure that I’m terrified of clowns and motorcycles driving through big flaming hoops.

Late Night Hookup Interrupted By Club Who Somehow Reserved Your Dorm Room On 25Live | Feb 16 2024

A report from Olney House indicates that a recent late night hookup was interrupted by a club who somehow reserved your dorm room on 25Live. “Oh, ummmm. Sorry, yeah, I think we have this room,” said Brown Democrats president Myra Goodwin, plugging her laptop into your charger and pouring herself a glass of water from your Brita.

Poverty Stricken Rust Belt Town Seemingly Unaware Of Resale Value Of Well-Worn Carhartt Jackets | Feb 16 2024

According to reports out of central Ohio, residents of the poverty stricken rust belt town Bisdake Falls seem to be completely unaware of the resale value of their well-worn Carhartt jackets. “Ever since they shut down the steel mill, this town’s been on a downward spiral,” said Bisdake Falls local, Chuck Warbler, apparently oblivious to the fact that he could sell the faded black Carhartt jacket he’s wearing and pay off his mortgage.

Medieval Serf Working On Their Toil-Life Balance | Feb 16 2024

According to his well-rested, relaxed demeanor, medieval serf Bartibus Gluck is working on improving his toil-life balance. “I feel like a million shillings!” exclaimed Gluck, who hadn’t responded to a reap-related messenger pigeon in months and was already noticing how much it changed his quality of survival.

Comp-Sci Freak Pulling All Nighter In The Blue Room Confused Why People Keep Patting Him On The Back | Feb 16 2024

According to a recent report, while pulling an all-nighter in the Blue Room, computer science freak Greg Fastle was visibly confused as to why people kept patting him on the back. “I mean, I got my R Studio environment to read a .csv file, group the vector elements and run a two way ANOVA on the categorical data, but I still haven’t rasterized the continuous numerical frame into a parsimonious workflow so I don’t know what everyone is so proud of me for,” said Fastle, unknowingly standing in silent yet steadfast solidarity with campus protesters.

Small Midwestern Town Forced To Use Same Pond For Ice Fishing As They Do For Tragic Drunk Driving Accidents | Feb 16 2024

Reports indicate that a small midwestern town is forced to use the same pond for ice fishing as they do for their tragic drunk driving accidents. “I think I speak for everyone when I say how devastated I am at how crowded it gotten down at Dexter Pond,” said Mayor Tim Kileski, amidst rising frustration on behalf of local ice fishermen and irresponsible teen drivers that they have to share a single tiny pond to both catch bluegills and careen across the median, rolling their toyota acura into the chest-deep water.

Course Shoppers Huddle For Warmth Outside In Pouring Rain As Professor Invites Registered Students Inside For Hot Cocoa And Seat Next To The Hearth | Feb 16 2024

According to a recent report, the “Fiction and the Unnarrative” course shoppers were seen huddling for warmth outside in the pouring rain as professor Green invited registered students inside for hot cocoa and a seat next to the hearth. “It’s so good to see you all today! Make sure to close the door behind you.

The Power Plant Is Fine And All That Smoke Just Means It’s Working Extra Well by Slint Shiverman, CEO SmogTar Energy Solutions | Dec 08 2023

Don’t panic, everyone! It is imperative that nobody panic because not only will that be a nightmare for our comms department, but also nothing is wrong. I know that to the layman, all that smoke is scary and would seem to indicate that the generator at the heart of the power plant has been compromised, and it’s only a matter of time before ash will begin slowly raining down on you all, mixing with the moisture in the air and hardening firmer than concrete, burying everyone in a 200- mile radius, but that is by no means what is going to happen.

Houseplant Going To Use Nice 8 Hour Window You Aren’t Home To Completely Die | Dec 08 2023

A report from local man Avery Goudo’s living room suggests that his house plant is going to use that nice 8 hour window he isn’t home today to just completely die. “I watered it before I left, and all I have today are two classes and a meeting for my group project,” Goudo explained, his house plant having both wilted and shed its leaves less than 15 minutes after he stepped out the door.

Polo Team Pre-Game Ritual Just Spending 20 Years Living A Sheltered Life | Dec 08 2023

A recent report from a source in the Brown Athletics Department revealed that the Polo team’s pre-game ritual simply involves spending 20 years living a sheltered life. “Little rituals like that are what bond us together and allow us to be our best out there on the pitch,” said Polo team captain Sheff Buckley in reference to the give or take 20 years he and his teammates spent preparing for the game by summering at Lake Tahoe and seeing both of their parents in the crowd at every middle school play.

Racehorse Wondering If It Cherished Member Of Family Or Asset | Dec 08 2023

Reflecting on his career, local racehorse, Pomp and Circumstance, is beginning to wonder whether he’s considered a cherished member of the family or just a quickly fluctuating financial asset. “Oh sweetie, you love getting pets, don’t you, boy?” Circumstance’s owner, Mike Tiaglo, rhetorically asked as the horse considered whether it was more likely that his adoptive family brought him in as a cherished pet with whom to share their love or simply because Mr.

Ferris Wheel Ride Kinda Meh, Oh, This Is Kinda Cool, Holy Shit, This Is Incredible, I’ve Seen God’s Face, And He Was Smiling | Dec 08 2023

According to sources, this ferris wheel is just kinda meh, oh, this is actually kinda cool, holy shit, this is incredible, I’ve seen God’s face, and He was smiling. “The ferris wheel looked pretty fun,” said onlooker Caleb Battol despite the ferris wheel actually starting out pretty lame and getting a little bit better before the really, really good part after which I swear I could hear every heart in the universe beating in synchrony, and it sounded like one million harps all being plucked at once.

Entire Funness Of 10th Birthday Party Riding On Stevie Making Quick Work Of This Piñata | Dec 08 2023

Sources present at Stevie’s 10th birthday bash indicate that the entire funness of the birthday party was riding on Stevie making quick work of this piñata. “Things have been going amazing. So far…” said Stevie’s mom, Betsy Seabert, recognizing that if Stevie can’t swiftly hack this piñata to pieces, the entire party will totally blow, and Stevie’s birthday will be irrevocably ruined.

Christina Paxson Affirms She Stands In Solidarity With All The Students She Had Arrested | Dec 08 2023

According to a recent statement from the office of the president, Christina Paxson affirmed that she stands in solidarity with all the students she had arrested. “Taking action in the name of social justice is a core element of Brown’s mission,” wrote Paxson, frantically calling the Providence police department to ensure every protester is escorted off the premises by armed police officers.

French Guy Absolutely Cannot Believe You’ve Never Watched “L’Étrange Et Terrible Aventure De L’Archiduc Et Du Docteur Chevrie Molyneux” | Dec 08 2023

According to the astonished face of a local Frenchman, he absolutely cannot believe you’ve never watched “L’Étrange Et Terrible Aventure De L’Archiduc Et Du Docteur Chevrie Molyneux.” “C’est un affront au cinéma français et à la culture française et j’adore les escargots,” said Pierre Jean Potierre, shocked that you’d also never made the time to watch the absolutely seminal film, De Brûler Et D’être Brûlé Par La Lueur De Tes Yeux Et La Chaleur De Ton Souffle.

Report: Maddie Sang “Firework” At The Talent Show And Everyone Knew It Was About Kayden | Oct 27 2023

According to a recent report out of Vartan Gregorian elementary school, Maddie sang “Firework” at the talent show and everyone knew it was about Kayden. “I really love Katy Perry and I want to be a singer when I grow up, so I sang “Firework” because of that,” explained fifth grader Madelyn “Maddie” Sheir, ignoring the fact that everyone already knows she sang “Firework” because she has a big fat crush on Kayden.

Report: Doctor’s Office Aquarium Fish Knows Your Medical History And Isn’t Constrained By Doctor-Patient Confidentiality | Oct 27 2023

According to a recent report, that doctor’s office aquarium fish knows your medical history and isn’t constrained by doctor-patient confidentiality. “We realize the position this puts our patients in, but we have no way to make him take the hippocratic oath and he knows too much now to take him back to the pet store,” stated Chief of Medicine Catherine Amali, aware that the big orange office parrotfish knows that you were in the 14th percentile for height in your age group when you were 15 years old and that he doesn’t have any moral code stopping him from using that information against you if the time ever comes.

Diary Entry De-Railed By Attempt To Spell Enuormuous | Oct 27 2023

Sources indicate that a recent diary entry was completely de-railed by Emma Stoit’s attempt to spell enuormuous. “E-nuor-muous? E-nor-mus? E-nur-muose?” said Stoit, feverishly sounding out the word while on the verge of a major breakthrough about her relationship with her grandpa that she will now never be able to explore.

Turns Out Plague Doctor Actually Really Beautiful After Taking Off Her Mask And Letting Her Hair Down | Oct 27 2023

To the surprise of gathered onlookers, it turns out plague doctor is actually really beautiful when she takes off her mask and lets her hair down. “We always just saw her as the ‘nice’ girl who used herbs and roots to rid us of demons inhabiting our body,” explained local peasant Frederick Draught, shocked by how much a giant bird mask and a bun can change a girl’s appearance.

Report: Mr. Scrout’s Boys Really Going To Look You Dead In The Eyes And Tell You They Have No Idea What Happened To Your Prize Hog | Oct 27 2023

In a recent report out of Dumsbile, Arkansas, Mr. Scrout’s boys really had the nerve to look you dead in the eyes and tell you they have no idea what happened to your prize hog. “Good Heavens, Mr. Triggle, Bo and I haven’t got a clue what happened to that beautiful swine’a yours,” said Tugg Scrout when confronted about the matter, despite his reputation in town for stirring up nonsense and making mischief with his kid brother Bo.

Report: Your Meiklejohn Wouldn’t Recognize The Woman You’ve Become | Oct 27 2023

According to reliable sources close to your Meiklejohn Eva Wright, she wouldn’t recognize the woman you’ve become. “Oh, she was such a sweet, driven girl. I really loved talking to her and I was always so impressed by how on top of things she was and the kindness she always showed me,” said Wright, unaware that the version of you she knew is long gone and that she wouldn’t even recognize the woman you’ve since become.

Every Football Player In Big Huddle Too Nervous To Talk First | Oct 27 2023

Sources out of Campbell’s Soup Stadium this past weekend reported that every football player in the big huddle was too nervous to talk first. “Ok, so, should someone start us off here?” asked quarterback Brusk Fittle, his voice shaking and his head down, staring at his feet.

Leaves On Ground Almost As Beautiful As In Trees Where They Goddamn Belong | Oct 27 2023

As autumn rolls around, a recent report indicates that the leaves scattered on the ground are almost as beautiful as those in the trees where they goddamn belong. “It’s like a carpet of yellows and reds and oranges,” said passerby Claire Melanie, appreciating the colorful leaves almost as much as if they were still attached to the trees like they’re fucking supposed to be.

Nation In Shock After The Sudden Death Of One Of The Youngest 90 Year Olds In Congress | Oct 27 2023

A devastated nation woke up on Sep 29th, 2023, stunned by the sudden death of one of the youngest 90-year-olds in Congress. “She had so much of her 90s left to live,” noted Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa, still reckoning with the unexpected tragedy.

Junior About To Look So Nonchalant While Passing Tour Group | Sep 22 2023

Sources indicate that Brown Junior Shane Vergas about to look so nonchalant while passing by a tour group of prospective students. “Oh, yeah, no biggie, just heading to class,” explained Vergas, doing everything in his power to not turn around to make sure the group was staring at him longingly both because he’s so hot and because he goes to Brown.

Brown Facilities Announces Plan To Replace Main Green With Intricate Maze Of Stairs And Ramps | Sep 22 2023

In a recent statement by the university, Brown Facilities has unveiled a new plan to replace the Main Green with an intricate maze of stairs and ramps. “Accessibility and inaccessibility are both very important to us,” said spokesman Danny Oblert, pouring over blueprints depicting hundreds of ramps and stairs leading into one another to create an endless, interminable loop.

Freshman Dismayed To Find Bed Still Warm From Pre-College Kid | Sep 22 2023

Dampening the mood during an otherwise exciting move-in day, freshman Charlie Manx was dismayed to find that their bed was still warm from the pre-college kid who slept there all summer. “I laid down to take a load off after moving all my stuff in, but the bed was warm to the touch,” said Manx, immersed in the lingering body heat of a 16-year-old from New Jersey.

Brown Bookstore Fully Stocked With Everything A Die-Hard Brown Squash Fan Could Possibly Need | Sep 22 2023

Freshly supplied for the start of the school year, the Brown Bookstore is reportedly fully stocked with everything a die-hard Brown Squash fan could possibly need. “All we can do is hope we have enough for everyone,” said Brown Merchandise Coordinator Alabaster Mudge, neatly organizing hundreds of Brown Squash hats that will inevitably be purchased exclusively by family members of the team.

Sophomore Bad At Literally Every Activity That Would Be Fun To Do On The Main Green | Sep 22 2023

Thrilled to be back on campus, local sophomore Francesco Fowler quickly remembered that he’s bad at literally every activity that would be fun to do on the main green. “Ooh! I’ve always wanted to paint ‘en plein air,’ plus University hall looks beautiful in this light,” exclaimed Fowler, immediately realizing he doesn’t even have enough talent to draw a three dimensional object in the first place.

Professor Clearly Wrote His Own Wikipedia Page | Sep 22 2023

Sources have recently reported that IAPA professor Nathan Gold clearly wrote his own Wikipedia page. “I think it’s a great sign that someone took the time to write a little background about me,” said Gold, whose “Professional Career” section describes his work as “the most important contribution to international politics since the Treaty of Westphalia.” “To see my work finally get the recognition it deserves feels really good.” “I generally don’t consider Wikipedia a reliable source, but I must say, whoever wrote this did their research,” continued Gold, whose “Personal Life” section includes the name of both of his cats and his favorite restaurant in Providence.

Shitty Car Doesn't Even Look Like A Face | Sep 22 2023

According to sources on a nearby sidewalk, this shitty car doesn’t even look like a face. “You got the headlights and the grille and all that, but nothing really looks like a nose or eyes or a mouth or anything. The proportions are all off,” reported passerby Harry Borde, distraught that the Nissan Sentra he saw on Power St.

Most Recent Brown Opinion Project Poll Asks Students If They Have Any Plans For Tonight Or Know Of Anything Going On And If It Would Be Cool For Them To Pull Up With A Couple People? | Dec 16 2022

In their most recent poll, members of the Brown Opinion Project reportedly asked students across campus if they have any plans for tonight or know of anything going on and if it would be cool for them to pull up with a couple people? “When we sit down to formulate a survey question, we always try to ask, ‘What do people want to know about Brown University?’” said Brown Opinion Project President John Everton, designing a pie chart with all the possible places it might be cool for him to stop by with his roommates after their pregame.

Richard Locke Tearfully Reminiscing While Looking At Pictures Of Brown On A Sleek Rose Gold MacBook Pro Equipped With A 15 Inch Display, Touch Bar And Apple Pencil Compatibility | Dec 16 2022

According to a recent report from Cupertino, California, former Brown University provost Richard Locke was spotted tearfully reminiscing while looking at pictures of his old stomping grounds on a sleek, rose gold MacBook Pro equipped with a 15 inch display, a touch bar and full Apple Pencil compatibility.

If I Had A Dollar For Every Time I Had A Million Dollars I’d Have One Hundred And Seventeen Thousand Five Hundred Dollars By Jeff Bezos | Dec 16 2022

“How do you do it Jeff? How do you work hard enough to make one hundred seventeen billion five hundred million dollars as of December 2022?” That’s what people always ask me, and they’re always so surprised when I tell them, “I don’t work that hard!” and then we laugh and laugh.

Report: Fuck It, The Ratty Thinkin’ It Might Take A Stab At Goulash Tonight | Oct 31 2022

According to sources close to Brown Dining Services, fuck it, the Ratty is thinkin’ it might take a stab at goulash tonight. “Yeah screw it, give it a go,” said Director of Dining Services Graham Guey. “Who cares, might as well take a crack at it.” At press time, shit, whatever, the Vdub’s gonna give gumbo a whirl.

Everyone In The Underground Pretending They In A Real Coffee Shop | Oct 31 2022

Typing away on their laptops as though they weren’t working on plastic tables in a room staffed by students in barista costumes, everyone in The Underground is pretending they’re in a real coffee shop. “This is one of my favorite places to come grab a drink and a pastry anywhere in Providence” said junior Jason Depot, pretending he was sipping a fair-trade dark roast in a local coffee house and not just drinking coffee sourced from a real cafe in the basement of the Stephen Robert ’62 Campus Center.

170 Person Mailroom Line All Worth It After Tearing Open Fresh Pack Of 16 Command Strips | Oct 31 2022

After watching the sun rise and set through the first floor windows of Page- Robinson Hall, freshman Theo Spitzer is relieved that 170-person mailroom line proved to be completely worth the wait once he tore into a fresh pack of 16 com- mand strips.

DPS Email Reveals Most Hurtful Non-Lethal Projectiles: Words | Oct 31 2022

In a timely warning email to the campus community, the Brown Department of Public Safety revealed the most hurtful non-lethal projectiles: words. “After a lengthy review we have concluded that bb gun pellets can leave blisters on the skin’s surface,” explained head of DPS Stanley Thumms, writing the campus-wide email wearing a baggy cashmere sweater and sipping warm chamomile tea.

John Carter Brown Library Construction Halted After Realization No One Ever Been There | Oct 31 2022

A recent statement by the Brown Cor- poration Board of Trustees announced that the current construction on the John Carter Brown Library will be halted after the realization that no one has ever been there. “The renovation of the John Carter Brown library was a very exciting initiative that we on the Board expected to have a huge positive impact on students’ ability to access the JCB’s extensive offerings,” said Brown Trustee Frank Krout, using a shredder to dispose of an enormous pile of blueprints and contracts.

Family Shared iCloud Fucked Up Beyond Repair | Oct 31 2022

After noticing she had 8,000 new photos and 2,000 new text messages, Sharon Swiss realized that her family’s shared iCloud is fucked up beyond repair. “When I looked at my photos there were 250 pictures of just the inside of my dad’s pocket and I think I get a notification every time my sister gets an email, text or Snapchat,” Swiss said, burying her phone deep in her pocket to silence the constant buzzing. At press time, Swiss has been permanently locked out of her Game Pigeon account.

Hunter Scrambling To Protect Endangered Species So He Can Get Chance To Shoot Them | Oct 31 2022

In response to the endless stream of disheartening news stories, local hunter Tanner Klunk is scrambling to protect the world’s endangered species so he doesn’t miss out on the chance to go shoot them. “Someone has to look out for these species, and I’m taking it upon myself to help in any way I can,” Klunk said, polishing the barrel of his shotgun with an oily rag.

Report: Mom Talking About Nightly Newscaster Like They Were High School Sweethearts | Oct 31 2022

According to a recent report, mere minutes into the 7:00 PM news, local mom Ellie Wahlberg was talking about nightly newscaster like they were high school sweethearts. “Oh my gosh, I love when he wears that suit. I always hope he wears it be- cause he seems so confident in it,” said Wahlberg, eyes transfixed on the TV while fiddling with her braid as though this stranger on TV was the man to whom she lost her virginity on that moonlit evening after junior prom.

Hey Girlie, Just Wanted To Tell You, My Friend Thinks You're Really Cute. Also He’s Running For State Senate, Can He Count On Your Vote? By Campaign Manager Tess | Oct 31 2022

Hey girlie! Oh my gosh, so nice to meet you! My name is Tessarine, but you can call me Tess. I just wanted to come over and tell you that my friend over there thinks you’re really cute. And also he’s running for state senate, can he count on your vote? Yeah him over there in the khakis and the Patagonia quarter-zip, yeah.

Report: Grandpa No Longer Passes The Turing Test | Sep 16 2022

After years of steady cognitive decline, 89-year-old John Bleat officially no longer passes the Turing Test. “I began when I awoke, completed a variety of tasks and ate three meals as I do every day,” said Bleat when asked by his grandson how his day had been, his response failing to give any indication that he has more natural communication skills than a computer program.

Brown Facilities Announces Plans To Take All The Grass Out, Put It Back In Again | Sep 16 2022

In an email to the Campus Community, Brown Facilities has announced an exciting new initiative to take all the grass out and put it back in again. “At the beginning of every new school year, Brown Facilities renews its commitment to a safer and more beautiful campus,” wrote Facilities Operations Manager Joel Diggory, fantasizing about tearing handfuls of grass out of Ruth Simmons Quad.

Mid-2010s Pop Song Includes The Worst Rap Verse You’ve Ever Heard | Apr 22 2022

Roughly two thirds of the way through “Blow Ur Mind” by Katy Perry featuring Juicy J, it became clear to all listeners that time was running out and that following the upcoming chorus would be the worst rap feature they had ever heard. “Blow your mind like it’s a candle, blow like soup too hot to handle,” rapped Juicy J in the most unnatural and jerky rhythm imaginable, trying his very best to tailor his lyrics to the narrative of the song but immediately giving up.

Report: Sure, He’s Unorthodox, But DAMMIT He Gets Results! | Apr 22 2022

According to a recent report from a small town police station, hot shot detective Sly Jackson may be unorthodox but DAMMIT he gets results. “I hate to break it to you, Chief, but he’s our only shot to crack this thing wide open!” said detective Tom Miller as Jackson stood in the corner of the office holding case files up to his ear like a seashell and listening for clues.

Dad Clearly Has Sick Sense Of Pride That His Favorite Dessert Almonds | Apr 22 2022

Crunching loudly on a handful of nuts, area dad Doug Beverly cleary has a sick sense of pride that his favorite dessert is almonds. “That super sweet stuff never quite did it for me,” he bragged, clearly feeling superior to everyone else at the dinner table.

Report: Still Can’t Mention Pitbulls Around Grandpa | Apr 22 2022

According to a recent report from the annual Easter family reunion, you still can’t mention pitbulls around Grandpa. “Oh wow, I really should have just kept my mouth shut,” said granddaughter Emma Murddock, realizing her grave mistake as her grandpa launched into a rehearsed fifteen-minute rant.

Ancient Philosopher About To End Hot Streak By Saying Dogs Are Horses Born At Night | Mar 11 2022

After laying the philosophical groundwork for the next two millennia, ancient philosopher Byonacles was about to end his hot streak by saying that dogs are what happens when horses are born at night. “They have four legs just like a horse but they look so mean with their sharp teeth and mean is dark like the night,” muttered Byonacles to himself, pacing around a humid cellar where in only a few short moments he will conceive an absolute dud of a theory.

Parents Naming Their Kid Ashton Really Banking On Him Being Hot | Mar 11 2022

After leafing through dozens of baby name books, two new parents naming their kid Ashton were really banking on him being hot. “I’ve always heard it skips a generation which would be really lucky because neither of us are really known for our looks,” said Ashton’s mother Sarah Pollack, holding for the first time her newborn son whose name will be absolutely ridiculous if he turns out ugly.

Report: Ope, Mom’s Phone Flashlight On Again | Feb 04 2022

According to a recent report, ope, mom’s phone flashlight is on again. “Honey help me turn this thing off, will you?” said Carrie Pilsby, fiddling with the volume and power buttons until being prompted to power down her phone. “Okay I figured it out but can you go into my phone and make sure that doesn’t happen again?” At press time, Pilsby was sliding her phone back in her coat, the flashlight still beaming through her pocket.

Your Dog Is So Cute! Would It Be Cool If We Teach It To Feel Shame? by The Behavioral Studies Department | Feb 04 2022

Oh hey there buddy! Woah, she’s a cutie! What’s her name? How precious! Twinkie! Is Twinkie friendly? Mind if we take her to the lab and teach her to feel shame? Boy, she sure is cute! Bet she’s smart too. Hmm—funny that we’re on this topic actually because me and the fellas over at the behavioral studies department are working on something and we think Twinkie would be perfect for it.

Student Gonna Sit On Floor Of Lecture Hall For Three Weeks Just So They Can Take Class About Pilgrims | Feb 04 2022

Caught up in the spirit of shopping period, a student is gonna sit on the floor of a lecture hall for three weeks just so they can take a class about pilgrims. “If only eight more people drop, I may have a chance of getting into this class, which would just be so awesome,” said freshman Amber Immedio, peering around the edge of the classroom’s doorframe just to catch PILG 0450: Pilgrim Trinkets and Tools.

Girl In Class Cracking Every Joint In Body Like Great One Awaking From 100-Year Slumber | Dec 03 2021

Reaching out and grabbing the back of her chair for leverage in her history lecture, junior Bette Fesner was reportedly cracking every joint in her body like The Great One awaking from its 100-year slumber. “There she goes again,” said classmate Elinor Annasi, wincing through the deafening cacophony of pops and snaps emanating from Fesner’s neck as if it were the ethereal hum of the ancient spirits beckoning forth The Great One from its multigenerational slumber.

Visiting B-List Celebrity Hunted Down And Paraded On Instagram Like Ten-Point Buck | Dec 03 2021

Expecting to take a relaxing stroll through campus, a visiting B-List celebrity was instead hunted down and paraded on Instagram like a prize ten-point buck. “I was just looking forward to having a nice normal afternoon with my daughter,” said Dancing with the Stars personality Derek Hough, his eyes darting around nervously as a group of students closed in on him like a team of big game hunters.

End Of Semester Photo Dump Grows To 200,000 Square Kilometers In Southwest Pacific Ocean | Oct 29 2021

According to a recent study, Sophie Goodman’s end-of-semester photo dump has grown to 200,000 square kilometers in the southwest Pacific Ocean. “These blurry photos of Sophie’s sophomore dorm room can last in ecosystems for hundreds of years, causing immense ecological harm,” said marine biologist Marla Sherwin, shoveling bushels of over-exposed film photos of the Providence skyline into a trash bag.

Guy Explaining How Ticklish He Is Clearly Wants To Be Tickled | Oct 29 2021

As area man Ollie Tepmen explained how ticklish he is, it became clear to all around him that he would love nothing more than to be tickled. “Don’t even think about trying it," said Tepmen, pointing to the exact parts of his body that are the most ticklish, practically begging everyone to poke and prod at the sides of his belly.

Hard Cider Gonna Have Super Intense Name Like "Shit Face Terry’s Skull Splitting Apple Ale" | Oct 29 2021

In a recent press release, a local brewery confirmed that their newest hard cider will have a super intense name like Shit Face Terry’s Skull Splitting Apple Ale. “Maybe something like ‘Crush Ass Honeycrisp Diesel,’ that could work,” proposed branding representative Jason Dewey, deep in thought.

Old Growth Tree Bark No Match For Love Of James S + Sarah T | Oct 29 2021

After standing steadfast through 500 summers and 500 winters, reducing human generations to mere inches of growth rings, an old growth tree’s bark was no match for the love of James S + Sarah T. “We met almost three weeks ago now and it’s been a whirlwind,” said James, carving his initials into a tree that endured both the entirety of the Hundred Years War and modern industrialization.

Report: Nepotism Less Fun When Your Kids Suck | Oct 29 2021

The parents of America’s socioeconomic upper class have announced that nepotism is less fun when your kids suck. “I always loved the idea of a father-son duo making deals and expanding the company,” said wealthy businessman Eric Trevorman, who had been excited to use his economic and social power to make his children successful and cement his legacy.

Sold! To The Man In The Auburn Blazer! | Oct 29 2021

Folks we’re gonna get this here auction underway. We have trinkets, doo-dads, and other assorted goodies. All righty now this bronze letter opener is one of a kind folks so let me open the bidding at a cool two hundred and twenty US dollars. Do I see two-twenty? Two-twenty anyone? Two-twenty, thank you sir! Do I see two-fifty? Going once.

Classics Concentrator Puts Off Whole Quest Until Night Before It’s Due | Sep 17 2021

Cursing his past self for procrastinating on a project worth one-third of his final grade, classics concentrator Jason Portimedes ’22 reportedly put off his whole “Labors, Trials, and Heroic Acts” quest until the night before it’s due. “All I have so far is a canary with perfect pitch and 10 gold ingots and the project is due tonight at midnight,” said Portimedes, noting that this is a particularly tough quest to cram for considering the 2 to 4 weeks that snake skins typically need to ferment before congealing into flame retardant lotion.

COVID Resurgence Turns .5er’s Graduation Plan Into Complex Polynomial Equation | Sep 17 2021

As the COVID-19 Delta variant leads to a spike in coronavirus-related hospitalizations and deaths, senior Connor McArthur’s request to take another leave of absence has turned his graduation plan into a complex polynomial equation. “The Advising Office plugged my new leave request information into Desmos and the graph they got looked super fucked up,” said McArthur, scratching his head as he tried to wrap his head around his revised graduation date.

Discussion Post So Well Written You Wouldn’t Know Their Dad Is A Donor | Sep 17 2021

After effectively conveying his point and meeting the standards routinely met by his classmates, sources report that sociology student David Beelman’s discussion post is so well written you wouldn’t even be able to tell that his dad is a donor. “I read the whole post and never once made the connection between David Beelman from class and the Beelman Foreign Development and Resource Appreciation Building!” exclaimed one fellow classmate.

Freshman Eager To Repeat Highschool Friend’s Story As Personal Anecdote | Sep 17 2021

Hundreds of miles from home, freshman Elias Drudger eagerly repeated his more interesting high school friend’s story as though it were his own personal anecdote. “So I told the lieutenant governor,” said Drudger, concluding a story that, even to his very new friends, seemed completely inconsistent with his personality.

“So, Yeah” Perfectly Ties Up Presentation | Sep 17 2021

According to classmates in his anthropology seminar, sophomore Eric Sluice perfectly wrapped up his presentation about the perils of the coal mining industry with the phrase “So, yeah”. “Anyway, that’s about it,” Sluice concluded, expertly wrapping up his description of the atrocities of modern mineral strip mining with a handful of rushed syllables and a Powerpoint slide featuring a New Yorker cartoon only tangentially related to his research.

Amazon’s Newest Environmental Initiative Requires Drivers To Transition To Reusable Piss Bottles | Sep 17 2021

In its latest press release, E-commerce giant Amazon has revealed its newest environmental initiative requiring delivery drivers to use reusable piss bottles. “Single-use plastic bottles can linger in our oceans and other natural ecosystems for almost 500 years!” said Amazon’s public relations officer Stanley Mortimer.

Least Valued Friend Has To Pull Up Chair | Sep 17 2021

After seating themselves at a table with one fewer chair than people present, a friend group’s least valued member had to pull up a chair. “Looks like there’s a free chair over there — be right back!” said Toby Moransen ’25 as he went to drag a chair to the reaches of the group, oblivious to the fact that seconds ago his friends had been forced to make a split-second decision and in that moment agreed that he was completely expendable.

Report: Dad’s Favorite Movie Definitely Doesn’t Pass The Bechdel Test | Sep 17 2021

According to a report conducted by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, your dad’s favorite movie definitely doesn’t pass the Bechdel test. “We’ve applied the Bechdel test, which determines whether two female characters speak about something other than a man at any point in a film, to your dad’s favorite movie,” said Academy communications representative Sarah Plinko of the 1985 survey designed to measure the amount of female representation in a work of fiction.

Study Proves Human Advancement Not Linear After Finding That Your Parents Were Once Hotter Than You | Sep 17 2021

According to a recent study, researchers concluded that human history does not follow a linear path of advancement since your parents were once hotter than you are now. “For as long as Sociology and Anthropology have existed as fields of study it was thought that humanity was always incrementally improving,” said head researcher Dr.

Venmo Message Laziest Euphemism For Alcohol Yet | Sep 17 2021

The morning after a small kickback at her friend’s apartment, area woman Tricia Metz reportedly Venmoed the host $8 accompanied by her laziest euphemism for alcohol yet. “Who does she think she’s fooling?” wondered a fellow partygoer reading Metz’s message “bevs” followed by a swirly eye emoji, juice box emoji, and smiling devil face emoji.