Cursing his past self for procrastinating on a project worth one-third of his final grade, classics concentrator Jason Portimedes ’22 reportedly put off his whole “Labors, Trials, and Heroic Acts” quest until the night before it’s due.
“All I have so far is a canary with perfect pitch and 10 gold ingots and the project is due tonight at midnight,” said Portimedes, noting that this is a particularly tough quest to cram for considering the 2 to 4 weeks that snake skins typically need to ferment before congealing into flame retardant lotion.
As the COVID-19 Delta variant leads to a spike in coronavirus-related hospitalizations and deaths, senior Connor McArthur’s request to take another leave of absence has turned his graduation plan into a complex polynomial equation. “The Advising Office plugged my new leave request information into Desmos and the graph they got looked super fucked up,” said McArthur, scratching his head as he tried to wrap his head around his revised graduation date.
After effectively conveying his point and meeting the standards routinely met by his classmates, sources report that sociology student David Beelman’s discussion post is so well written you wouldn’t even be able to tell that his dad is a donor.
“I read the whole post and never once made the connection between David Beelman from class and the Beelman Foreign Development and Resource Appreciation Building!” exclaimed one fellow classmate.
Hundreds of miles from home, freshman Elias Drudger eagerly repeated his more interesting high school friend’s story as though it were his own personal anecdote.
“So I told the lieutenant governor,” said Drudger, concluding a story that, even to his very new friends, seemed completely inconsistent with his personality.
According to classmates in his anthropology seminar, sophomore Eric Sluice perfectly wrapped up his presentation about the perils of the coal mining industry with the phrase “So, yeah”. “Anyway, that’s about it,” Sluice concluded, expertly wrapping up his description of the atrocities of modern mineral strip mining with a handful of rushed syllables and a Powerpoint slide featuring a New Yorker cartoon only tangentially related to his research.
In its latest press release, E-commerce giant Amazon has revealed its newest environmental initiative requiring delivery drivers to use reusable piss bottles.
“Single-use plastic bottles can linger in our oceans and other natural ecosystems for almost 500 years!” said Amazon’s public relations officer Stanley Mortimer.
After seating themselves at a table with one fewer chair than people present, a friend group’s least valued member had to pull up a chair.
“Looks like there’s a free chair over there — be right back!” said Toby Moransen ’25 as he went to drag a chair to the reaches of the group, oblivious to the fact that seconds ago his friends had been forced to make a split-second decision and in that moment agreed that he was completely expendable.
According to a report conducted by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, your dad’s favorite movie definitely doesn’t pass the Bechdel test. “We’ve applied the Bechdel test, which determines whether two female characters speak about something other than a man at any point in a film, to your dad’s favorite movie,” said Academy communications representative Sarah Plinko of the 1985 survey designed to measure the amount of female representation in a work of fiction.
According to a recent study, researchers concluded that human history does not follow a linear path of advancement since your parents were once hotter than you are now.
“For as long as Sociology and Anthropology have existed as fields of study it was thought that humanity was always incrementally improving,” said head researcher Dr.
The morning after a small kickback at her friend’s apartment, area woman Tricia Metz reportedly Venmoed the host $8 accompanied by her laziest euphemism for alcohol yet. “Who does she think she’s fooling?” wondered a fellow partygoer reading Metz’s message “bevs” followed by a swirly eye emoji, juice box emoji, and smiling devil face emoji.