Sunday, September 25, 2022
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The Brown Noser

Jordan De Padova

Writer

Jordan's articles

Report: Grandpa No Longer Passes The Turing Test | Sep 16 2022

After years of steady cognitive decline, 89-year-old John Bleat officially no longer passes the Turing Test. “I began when I awoke, completed a variety of tasks and ate three meals as I do every day,” said Bleat when asked by his grandson how his day had been, his response failing to give any indication that he has more natural communication skills than a computer program.

Brown Facilities Announces Plans To Take All The Grass Out, Put It Back In Again | Sep 16 2022

In an email to the Campus Community, Brown Facilities has announced an exciting new initiative to take all the grass out and put it back in again. “At the beginning of every new school year, Brown Facilities renews its commitment to a safer and more beautiful campus,” wrote Facilities Operations Manager Joel Diggory, fantasizing about tearing handfuls of grass out of Ruth Simmons Quad.

Mid-2010s Pop Song Includes The Worst Rap Verse You’ve Ever Heard | Apr 22 2022

Roughly two thirds of the way through “Blow Ur Mind” by Katy Perry featuring Juicy J, it became clear to all listeners that time was running out and that following the upcoming chorus would be the worst rap feature they had ever heard. “Blow your mind like it’s a candle, blow like soup too hot to handle,” rapped Juicy J in the most unnatural and jerky rhythm imaginable, trying his very best to tailor his lyrics to the narrative of the song but immediately giving up.

Report: Sure, He’s Unorthodox, But DAMMIT He Gets Results! | Apr 22 2022

According to a recent report from a small town police station, hot shot detective Sly Jackson may be unorthodox but DAMMIT he gets results. “I hate to break it to you, Chief, but he’s our only shot to crack this thing wide open!” said detective Tom Miller as Jackson stood in the corner of the office holding case files up to his ear like a seashell and listening for clues.

Dad Clearly Has Sick Sense Of Pride That His Favorite Dessert Almonds | Apr 22 2022

Crunching loudly on a handful of nuts, area dad Doug Beverly cleary has a sick sense of pride that his favorite dessert is almonds. “That super sweet stuff never quite did it for me,” he bragged, clearly feeling superior to everyone else at the dinner table.

Report: Still Can’t Mention Pitbulls Around Grandpa | Apr 22 2022

According to a recent report from the annual Easter family reunion, you still can’t mention pitbulls around Grandpa. “Oh wow, I really should have just kept my mouth shut,” said granddaughter Emma Murddock, realizing her grave mistake as her grandpa launched into a rehearsed fifteen-minute rant.

Ancient Philosopher About To End Hot Streak By Saying Dogs Are Horses Born At Night | Mar 11 2022

After laying the philosophical groundwork for the next two millennia, ancient philosopher Byonacles was about to end his hot streak by saying that dogs are what happens when horses are born at night. “They have four legs just like a horse but they look so mean with their sharp teeth and mean is dark like the night,” muttered Byonacles to himself, pacing around a humid cellar where in only a few short moments he will conceive an absolute dud of a theory.

Parents Naming Their Kid Ashton Really Banking On Him Being Hot | Mar 11 2022

After leafing through dozens of baby name books, two new parents naming their kid Ashton were really banking on him being hot. “I’ve always heard it skips a generation which would be really lucky because neither of us are really known for our looks,” said Ashton’s mother Sarah Pollack, holding for the first time her newborn son whose name will be absolutely ridiculous if he turns out ugly.

Report: Ope, Mom’s Phone Flashlight On Again | Feb 04 2022

According to a recent report, ope, mom’s phone flashlight is on again. “Honey help me turn this thing off, will you?” said Carrie Pilsby, fiddling with the volume and power buttons until being prompted to power down her phone. “Okay I figured it out but can you go into my phone and make sure that doesn’t happen again?” At press time, Pilsby was sliding her phone back in her coat, the flashlight still beaming through her pocket.

Your Dog Is So Cute! Would It Be Cool If We Teach It To Feel Shame? by The Behavioral Studies Department | Feb 04 2022

Oh hey there buddy! Woah, she’s a cutie! What’s her name? How precious! Twinkie! Is Twinkie friendly? Mind if we take her to the lab and teach her to feel shame? Boy, she sure is cute! Bet she’s smart too. Hmm—funny that we’re on this topic actually because me and the fellas over at the behavioral studies department are working on something and we think Twinkie would be perfect for it.

Student Gonna Sit On Floor Of Lecture Hall For Three Weeks Just So They Can Take Class About Pilgrims | Feb 04 2022

Caught up in the spirit of shopping period, a student is gonna sit on the floor of a lecture hall for three weeks just so they can take a class about pilgrims. “If only eight more people drop, I may have a chance of getting into this class, which would just be so awesome,” said freshman Amber Immedio, peering around the edge of the classroom’s doorframe just to catch PILG 0450: Pilgrim Trinkets and Tools.

Girl In Class Cracking Every Joint In Body Like Great One Awaking From 100-Year Slumber | Dec 03 2021

Reaching out and grabbing the back of her chair for leverage in her history lecture, junior Bette Fesner was reportedly cracking every joint in her body like The Great One awaking from its 100-year slumber. “There she goes again,” said classmate Elinor Annasi, wincing through the deafening cacophony of pops and snaps emanating from Fesner’s neck as if it were the ethereal hum of the ancient spirits beckoning forth The Great One from its multigenerational slumber.

Visiting B-List Celebrity Hunted Down And Paraded On Instagram Like Ten-Point Buck | Dec 03 2021

Expecting to take a relaxing stroll through campus, a visiting B-List celebrity was instead hunted down and paraded on Instagram like a prize ten-point buck. “I was just looking forward to having a nice normal afternoon with my daughter,” said Dancing with the Stars personality Derek Hough, his eyes darting around nervously as a group of students closed in on him like a team of big game hunters.

End Of Semester Photo Dump Grows To 200,000 Square Kilometers In Southwest Pacific Ocean | Oct 29 2021

According to a recent study, Sophie Goodman’s end-of-semester photo dump has grown to 200,000 square kilometers in the southwest Pacific Ocean. “These blurry photos of Sophie’s sophomore dorm room can last in ecosystems for hundreds of years, causing immense ecological harm,” said marine biologist Marla Sherwin, shoveling bushels of over-exposed film photos of the Providence skyline into a trash bag.

Guy Explaining How Ticklish He Is Clearly Wants To Be Tickled | Oct 29 2021

As area man Ollie Tepmen explained how ticklish he is, it became clear to all around him that he would love nothing more than to be tickled. “Don’t even think about trying it," said Tepmen, pointing to the exact parts of his body that are the most ticklish, practically begging everyone to poke and prod at the sides of his belly.

Hard Cider Gonna Have Super Intense Name Like "Shit Face Terry’s Skull Splitting Apple Ale" | Oct 29 2021

In a recent press release, a local brewery confirmed that their newest hard cider will have a super intense name like Shit Face Terry’s Skull Splitting Apple Ale. “Maybe something like ‘Crush Ass Honeycrisp Diesel,’ that could work,” proposed branding representative Jason Dewey, deep in thought.

Old Growth Tree Bark No Match For Love Of James S + Sarah T | Oct 29 2021

After standing steadfast through 500 summers and 500 winters, reducing human generations to mere inches of growth rings, an old growth tree’s bark was no match for the love of James S + Sarah T. “We met almost three weeks ago now and it’s been a whirlwind,” said James, carving his initials into a tree that endured both the entirety of the Hundred Years War and modern industrialization.

Report: Nepotism Less Fun When Your Kids Suck | Oct 29 2021

The parents of America’s socioeconomic upper class have announced that nepotism is less fun when your kids suck. “I always loved the idea of a father-son duo making deals and expanding the company,” said wealthy businessman Eric Trevorman, who had been excited to use his economic and social power to make his children successful and cement his legacy.

Sold! To The Man In The Auburn Blazer! | Oct 29 2021

Folks we’re gonna get this here auction underway. We have trinkets, doo-dads, and other assorted goodies. All righty now this bronze letter opener is one of a kind folks so let me open the bidding at a cool two hundred and twenty US dollars. Do I see two-twenty? Two-twenty anyone? Two-twenty, thank you sir! Do I see two-fifty? Going once.

Classics Concentrator Puts Off Whole Quest Until Night Before It’s Due | Sep 17 2021

Cursing his past self for procrastinating on a project worth one-third of his final grade, classics concentrator Jason Portimedes ’22 reportedly put off his whole “Labors, Trials, and Heroic Acts” quest until the night before it’s due. “All I have so far is a canary with perfect pitch and 10 gold ingots and the project is due tonight at midnight,” said Portimedes, noting that this is a particularly tough quest to cram for considering the 2 to 4 weeks that snake skins typically need to ferment before congealing into flame retardant lotion.

COVID Resurgence Turns .5er’s Graduation Plan Into Complex Polynomial Equation | Sep 17 2021

As the COVID-19 Delta variant leads to a spike in coronavirus-related hospitalizations and deaths, senior Connor McArthur’s request to take another leave of absence has turned his graduation plan into a complex polynomial equation. “The Advising Office plugged my new leave request information into Desmos and the graph they got looked super fucked up,” said McArthur, scratching his head as he tried to wrap his head around his revised graduation date.

Discussion Post So Well Written You Wouldn’t Know Their Dad Is A Donor | Sep 17 2021

After effectively conveying his point and meeting the standards routinely met by his classmates, sources report that sociology student David Beelman’s discussion post is so well written you wouldn’t even be able to tell that his dad is a donor. “I read the whole post and never once made the connection between David Beelman from class and the Beelman Foreign Development and Resource Appreciation Building!” exclaimed one fellow classmate.

Freshman Eager To Repeat Highschool Friend’s Story As Personal Anecdote | Sep 17 2021

Hundreds of miles from home, freshman Elias Drudger eagerly repeated his more interesting high school friend’s story as though it were his own personal anecdote. “So I told the lieutenant governor,” said Drudger, concluding a story that, even to his very new friends, seemed completely inconsistent with his personality.

“So, Yeah” Perfectly Ties Up Presentation | Sep 17 2021

According to classmates in his anthropology seminar, sophomore Eric Sluice perfectly wrapped up his presentation about the perils of the coal mining industry with the phrase “So, yeah”. “Anyway, that’s about it,” Sluice concluded, expertly wrapping up his description of the atrocities of modern mineral strip mining with a handful of rushed syllables and a Powerpoint slide featuring a New Yorker cartoon only tangentially related to his research.

Amazon’s Newest Environmental Initiative Requires Drivers To Transition To Reusable Piss Bottles | Sep 17 2021

In its latest press release, E-commerce giant Amazon has revealed its newest environmental initiative requiring delivery drivers to use reusable piss bottles. “Single-use plastic bottles can linger in our oceans and other natural ecosystems for almost 500 years!” said Amazon’s public relations officer Stanley Mortimer.

Least Valued Friend Has To Pull Up Chair | Sep 17 2021

After seating themselves at a table with one fewer chair than people present, a friend group’s least valued member had to pull up a chair. “Looks like there’s a free chair over there — be right back!” said Toby Moransen ’25 as he went to drag a chair to the reaches of the group, oblivious to the fact that seconds ago his friends had been forced to make a split-second decision and in that moment agreed that he was completely expendable.

Report: Dad’s Favorite Movie Definitely Doesn’t Pass The Bechdel Test | Sep 17 2021

According to a report conducted by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, your dad’s favorite movie definitely doesn’t pass the Bechdel test. “We’ve applied the Bechdel test, which determines whether two female characters speak about something other than a man at any point in a film, to your dad’s favorite movie,” said Academy communications representative Sarah Plinko of the 1985 survey designed to measure the amount of female representation in a work of fiction.

Study Proves Human Advancement Not Linear After Finding That Your Parents Were Once Hotter Than You | Sep 17 2021

According to a recent study, researchers concluded that human history does not follow a linear path of advancement since your parents were once hotter than you are now. “For as long as Sociology and Anthropology have existed as fields of study it was thought that humanity was always incrementally improving,” said head researcher Dr.

Venmo Message Laziest Euphemism For Alcohol Yet | Sep 17 2021

The morning after a small kickback at her friend’s apartment, area woman Tricia Metz reportedly Venmoed the host $8 accompanied by her laziest euphemism for alcohol yet. “Who does she think she’s fooling?” wondered a fellow partygoer reading Metz’s message “bevs” followed by a swirly eye emoji, juice box emoji, and smiling devil face emoji.