“I am so very grateful that the elders in our community allow us to break free from the confines of our community briefly to see what this outer world is all about. I have heard a lot of things about this society,” stated 17-year-old Lukas Stoltzfus, who still has not been taught what sex is. “I am so curious about methamphetamine. I really want to try it.”

“I think it is exciting to try different things. I heard Esther even shaved her legs. Slut!” continued Stoltzfus who has been asking around for a drug dealer who would take churned butter or barn building as currency. “I don’t want to do too much, I’ll be pretty tame. I am just curious about trying something called methamphetamine.”

At press time, Jamestown cult members are really excited to try out this new koolaid.