Sunday, May 19, 2024
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The Brown Noser

Lauren Duncan

Writer

Lauren's articles

Child Playing With Toy Fire Truck Can’t Wait To Grow Up And Be Fire Truck | May 03 2024

Reports indicate that four-year-old child Johnny is always playing with his fire truck because he wants to be a firetruck when he grows up. “We just find it so great that he already knows he wants to commit himself to saving lives when he’s older,” said Johnny’s mother under the impression that Johnny will take on a human career of firefighting, not chasing an unrealistic dream of shapeshifting into a 20-ton steel vehicle when he becomes an adult.

Man Attempting To Take Off Sweatshirt In Class Somehow Becomes Completely Nude | Mar 15 2024

According to a recent report, a local student unintentionally became naked in the process of taking off a sweatshirt. “It was incredibly perplexing,” fellow student Katherine Steward recounted as the man stripped down, standing there as naked as the day he was born.

Shirtless George Washington Bust In Hay Watching Over Generations Of Brown Students Like A Sexy Elf On The Shelf | Mar 15 2024

A stoic yet seductive bust of naked George Washington has been surveilling Brown students for the past 100 years like a sexy judgemental elf on the shelf. “I always feel an uneasy feeling like someone is watching me whenever I study in the Hay,” said student Miranda Stevens, unaware that this feeling is not actually paranoia because the arousing depiction of George Washington has been judging Stevens on her true American values.

Gay Straight Alliance Seems A Little More Gay Than Straight | Mar 15 2024

According to sources, the Gay Straight Alliance club seems like it’s mostly gay. “I totally get how gayness is involved with the club,” said sophomore Alex Danov, a prospective GSA member, who after the club day presentation was unsure on how they incorporated straight people into the organization.

AI May Take My Job, But It Will Never Take My Virginity by Computer Science Concentrator | Mar 15 2024

I have dedicated my time, energy, happiness, health, and life to learn computer science for the promise of lucrative employment. And AI just took it away with zero shame. So no way in hell will I let it take my virginity too. There is little I am certain of in this life, the vile nature of AI that shattered my existence made me well aware of that.

Medieval Monk Drawing Baby Jesus Clearly Never Saw A Baby Before | Mar 15 2024

Tasked with depicting the Madonna and Child, Monk Bartholow’s drawing is making it obvious that he has never seen a baby before in his entire life. “I have seen so many children,” insisted Bartholow while shading baby Jesus’ swole six pack in a misguided effort to make a more realistic looking infant.