Lauren's articles
Brown University’s Office of Residential Life moved forward with a new plan to match students in dorms based on their romantic chemistry.
“Some think it’s most important for a roommate to have similar sleep habits or different levels of cleanliness.
Despite Noemmi and Ivy’s affection for each other, recent reports indicate they were fundamentally unable to discuss something other than a man during their first date.
“I have no idea what happened. Every single topic we talked about centered a man,” stated Ivy ’27, who feels bewildered that they managed to talk about the barista, their brothers, their male friends, boy bands, landlords, fathers, favorite male professors, Dean Zia, and Robert Kennedy before ever talking about themselves.
Recent reports indicate that Applied Mathematics-Economics concentrator Liam Murphy ’26 is more than satisfied completing a degree which just barely touches upon each discipline.
“I think that studying APMA-ECON really sets me up for success because it allows me to learn about the intersections of these diverse fields,” stated Murphy, whose degree really only squeezed in introductory understanding for both Applied Math and Economics.
Reports indicate that young Lukas Stoltzfus on Rumspringa, a period of freedom from the strict Amish society constraints of their religion, wants to try methamphetamine.
“I am so very grateful that the elders in our community allow us to break free from the confines of our community briefly to see what this outer world is all about.
Reports indicated the tornado in Topeka picked up a cow who had a fricking blast up there.
“Hell yeah! Hell yeah! Moooooooooooooo!!” yelled Isabella the cow, as the creature who previously only knew a quiet, calm life on her Kansas farm now whizzed past reporters at gale speeds.
Recent reports indicate that your Brown-RISD dual degree friend, Gracie, is absolutely thrilled about acquiring an obsolete piece of technology.
“Look! Look! Can you believe I just got these headphones?” Gracie stated, holding a piece of technology that has not seen the light of day in at least two and a half decades.
Local reports indicate that Julia Chen’s fucking roommate is in the fucking room again.
“Okay, I know it’s fine and it’s her space too, I shouldn’t expect her not to be in here,” Julia stated as her chosen roommate Kendra Williams quietly worked on a pset at her desk.
After signing a lease and putting down the security deposit on the ‘Sun House,’ an entire friend group — and Caroline too — express their excitement about finally being able to live all together.
“It is so exciting! We are still deciding roommates, but, honestly, I almost don’t care who I room with!” housemate Sarah states, who feels entirely relieved ever since Caroline agreed to sleep on the couch in the living room as per condition of her cohabitation.
PepsiCo affiliates announce that the beloved drink, Gatorade, is now milk. “Well, we did, guys. It only took 60 years, but finally we perfected the formula for a delicious rehydrating sports drink,” states Ramon Laguarta CEO who insists Florida State basketball team loved the surprise soft launch of this new flavor during their last game.
Strangers pissing in the bathroom at the same time results in a divine sound due to the synching of their pee streams.
“I was just going to the bathroom, and someone else happened to be in there. I didn’t think anything about it at first,” tells Jennifer Grayson, who is unaware that her bladder timing was preordained by a great power in creating sacred noise so beautiful, it seems impossible to be heard by mortal ears.
According to reports, popular children’s book character Waldo, who has been notoriously difficult to find physically, has also been struggling with his own introspective discovery.
“Yeah, I don’t know, I just don’t really know where I’m at right now in life,” said Waldo while getting ready to wander between his many niche haunts, such as the Zoo, the Department Store, the Fairgrounds, and the Campsite.
Latest studies indicate that you guys never ever read these articles, and by the way, I know you are only reading this one right now to try to prove me wrong.
“Do not worry about it, I am not here to shame you, I totally get why people don’t read the articles.
Reports indicate that dog scientist Dr. Milo Barker may have ulterior motives for pursuing a career in the study of ancient life.
“He’s been studying the Mesozoic Era for 82 years now, he’s an expert in the field,” Barker’s research partner Yara Mejia told reporters as Barker employed his self-developed, experimental method of gnawing on a dinosaur bone specimen.
Sources indicate during valentine making time in Ms. Garcia’s fourth grade class that Luke T. is gonna put some boogers in the valentine mailbox.
“I’m putting boogers in your valentine mailbox!” declared Luke T. during the valentine period with eighteen already-prepared little congealed snot balls sitting on his desk, begging to be smothering over a valentine.
Reports indicate that Grayson, grimy little kid boy who spends each recess sitting on the ground eating dirt, is a picky eater.
“I hate vegetables! I WON’T eat them. I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!” reported Grayson when asked about his dietary preferences with a belly full of mud, glue, yarn, and 1x1 lego pieces.
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Reports indicate that local moth-like friend, Rufus Smith, is a little too passionate about the issue of light pollution.
“It’s such an important issue that no one really seems to care about at all!” explained Smith, as if it had nothing to do with the nature of his strange little furry limbs and big-ass eyes.
Reports indicate that after three years of a monotonous, committed relationship, the nation’s a capella boyfriends announced their plans to dump you via an a capella musical number.
“I know you don’t get it now, but trust, it’s going to be really good,” said the nation’s a capella boyfriends, ushering you to the most heavily trafficked area in school to publicly dump you in front of all your peers.
Creating quite the stir in the music community, a leaked release of Ed Sheeran’s newest album reveals its title is x= (-b±√ b^2-4ac)/2a.
“Honestly, I cried when I first heard the album and its name. It was such a beautiful artistic take,” says William Campbell, the president of Brown’s Radio Community, listening intently to Sheeran’s basic pop love song.
Reports indicate that four-year-old child Johnny is always playing with his fire truck because he wants to be a firetruck when he grows up.
“We just find it so great that he already knows he wants to commit himself to saving lives when he’s older,” said Johnny’s mother under the impression that Johnny will take on a human career of firefighting, not chasing an unrealistic dream of shapeshifting into a 20-ton steel vehicle when he becomes an adult.
According to a recent report, a local student unintentionally became naked in the process of taking off a sweatshirt.
“It was incredibly perplexing,” fellow student Katherine Steward recounted as the man stripped down, standing there as naked as the day he was born.
A stoic yet seductive bust of naked George Washington has been surveilling Brown students for the past 100 years like a sexy judgemental elf on the shelf.
“I always feel an uneasy feeling like someone is watching me whenever I study in the Hay,” said student Miranda Stevens, unaware that this feeling is not actually paranoia because the arousing depiction of George Washington has been judging Stevens on her true American values.
According to sources, the Gay Straight Alliance club seems like it’s mostly gay.
“I totally get how gayness is involved with the club,” said sophomore Alex Danov, a prospective GSA member, who after the club day presentation was unsure on how they incorporated straight people into the organization.
I have dedicated my time, energy, happiness, health, and life to learn computer science for the promise of lucrative employment. And AI just took it away with zero shame. So no way in hell will I let it take my virginity too. There is little I am certain of in this life, the vile nature of AI that shattered my existence made me well aware of that.
Tasked with depicting the Madonna and Child, Monk Bartholow’s drawing is making it obvious that he has never seen a baby before in his entire life.
“I have seen so many children,” insisted Bartholow while shading baby Jesus’ swole six pack in a misguided effort to make a more realistic looking infant.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
