Lauren's articles
Reports indicate that local moth-like friend, Rufus Smith, is a little too passionate about the issue of light pollution.
“It’s such an important issue that no one really seems to care about at all!” explained Smith, as if it had nothing to do with the nature of his strange little furry limbs and big-ass eyes.
Reports indicate that after three years of a monotonous, committed relationship, the nation’s a capella boyfriends announced their plans to dump you via an a capella musical number.
“I know you don’t get it now, but trust, it’s going to be really good,” said the nation’s a capella boyfriends, ushering you to the most heavily trafficked area in school to publicly dump you in front of all your peers.
Creating quite the stir in the music community, a leaked release of Ed Sheeran’s newest album reveals its title is x= (-b±√ b^2-4ac)/2a.
“Honestly, I cried when I first heard the album and its name. It was such a beautiful artistic take,” says William Campbell, the president of Brown’s Radio Community, listening intently to Sheeran’s basic pop love song.
Reports indicate that four-year-old child Johnny is always playing with his fire truck because he wants to be a firetruck when he grows up.
“We just find it so great that he already knows he wants to commit himself to saving lives when he’s older,” said Johnny’s mother under the impression that Johnny will take on a human career of firefighting, not chasing an unrealistic dream of shapeshifting into a 20-ton steel vehicle when he becomes an adult.
According to a recent report, a local student unintentionally became naked in the process of taking off a sweatshirt.
“It was incredibly perplexing,” fellow student Katherine Steward recounted as the man stripped down, standing there as naked as the day he was born.
A stoic yet seductive bust of naked George Washington has been surveilling Brown students for the past 100 years like a sexy judgemental elf on the shelf.
“I always feel an uneasy feeling like someone is watching me whenever I study in the Hay,” said student Miranda Stevens, unaware that this feeling is not actually paranoia because the arousing depiction of George Washington has been judging Stevens on her true American values.
According to sources, the Gay Straight Alliance club seems like it’s mostly gay.
“I totally get how gayness is involved with the club,” said sophomore Alex Danov, a prospective GSA member, who after the club day presentation was unsure on how they incorporated straight people into the organization.
I have dedicated my time, energy, happiness, health, and life to learn computer science for the promise of lucrative employment. And AI just took it away with zero shame. So no way in hell will I let it take my virginity too. There is little I am certain of in this life, the vile nature of AI that shattered my existence made me well aware of that.
Tasked with depicting the Madonna and Child, Monk Bartholow’s drawing is making it obvious that he has never seen a baby before in his entire life.
“I have seen so many children,” insisted Bartholow while shading baby Jesus’ swole six pack in a misguided effort to make a more realistic looking infant.
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