“I wanna know, can ya help me? ♫” the animatronic fish belted out spiritedly, eager but unable to discuss the momentousness of Julian Assange’s release from prison. “Take me to the river! Drop me in the water! ♫” the animatronic fish sang wholeheartedly while cursing himself over the terrible, unspeakable sins he committed in a past life which landed him in this predicament. “Take me to the river! Put me in the water! ♫”

“Here’s a little song I wrote, might want to sing it note for note… ♫” the animatronic fish sang softly, tacitly itching to give his perspective on China’s exertion of military dominance in the South China Sea. “Don’t worry, be happy! ♫” the animatronic fish caroled smoothly, praying that one day he would be granted enough mercy to share even a small sliver of his vast knowledge instead of his charming but vapid lyrics. “Don’t worry, be happy! ♫”

At press time, Tucker Carlson wished he could just sing silly songs all day.