John's articles
Jacob Woodley, the sole friend with a Samsung in a group of iPhone users, has really been fucking up the whole group chat.
“I’ve had it up to here with Jacob with his Samsung bullshit,” fumed Cassie Russell, squinting at a photo which had been reduced in quality by 400% because of the presence of a Samsung user in the group chat.
Wheeeeeee! I love swinging on this playground swing set. I don’t envy all you voters who’ve made your minds up already. While you argue with each other on Twitter, I’m just here swinging and having fun. Yippeeeee!
My vote is valuable, and I need as much time as possible to gather all the facts.
The iconic Big Mouth Billy Bass, an animatronic singing fish, wishes he were able to participate in meaningful dialogues rather than singing his silly songs.
“I wanna know, can ya help me? ♫” the animatronic fish belted out spiritedly, eager but unable to discuss the momentousness of Julian Assange’s release from prison.
The U.S. Coast Guard was pleased to report that the coast has been exhibiting its usual behavior.
“We’ve been monitoring the coast vigilantly since 1915,” boasted Lieutenant Jared Sweeney, rapidly glancing between monitors displaying boogie boarding conditions from all over the country.
You fools! You laugh at me now, but when the mighty floodwaters crash down upon us to cleanse the world of its wretched sin, I will be hoisted to the surface by my floaties! But the rest of you, skeptics, nonbelievers, and those who ridicule me ceaselessly for my fashion, you’ll all be damned! Damned to a fate of treading water for a few hours until you can tread no longer, all the while being jealous of my floaties.
Excited to be included in a game of hide and seek, toddler Tommy Hubbard seemed to be confident in his unconventional hiding spot. “This little dumbass just can’t wrap his smooth toddler brain around the concept of a good hiding spot,” sighed Tommy’s father as Tommy huddled in the wide open corner of the living room, blissfully unaware of the fact that his entire body was completely unobscured from any potential seekers.
As Jordan Whittaker strolled down the street with a big smile on his face, it was evident that he had not been contemplating his own mortality.
“I think I’ll pay it forward for the next customer in line,” Jordan told the cashier at Starbucks, not even considering that his unavoidable death was fast approaching and all of his life’s accomplishments would be forgotten within a few decades.
Despite leading the NFL in rushing yards for multiple seasons, O. J. Simpson’s legacy will be permanently tainted by his underwhelming performance in the 1979 season.
“In his prime, he was renowned for his agility. Nobody was as good as O. J.
Ten-year-old Brayden’s pirate-themed birthday party is reportedly stupid and lame because it doesn’t involve any pillaging or killing. “Everyone come get your eyepatches and inflatable swords!” exclaimed Brayden’s mom, clearly taking inspiration from boring, glamorized pop culture depictions of piracy rather than historical sources.
“Better Call Saul” is, without a doubt, the best show I’ve seen in my entire life. It easily trumps all other shows in television history. The way Vince Gilligan was able to tell such a riveting story so expertly, season after season, is just unbelievable to me.
Sara Myers, a horse girl, has scheduled her own euthanization after spraining her ankle. “Sara, like other horse girls, has very delicate legs compared to her upper body. Unfortunately, that means a sprained ankle is often a death sentence,” Sara’s doctor stated solemnly, gesturing toward an anatomical diagram of a horse girl.
Tesla Autopilot engineers have been forced to weigh the moral quandary of whether to save 2 elderly men, 2 infants, and 4 dogs or 1 elderly man, 3 infants, and 6 dogs. “This is one of those classic trolley problems,” sighed James Higgins, lead software engineer in Tesla’s self-driving car division.
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