John's articles
Excited to be included in a game of hide and seek, toddler Tommy Hubbard seemed to be confident in his unconventional hiding spot. “This little dumbass just can’t wrap his smooth toddler brain around the concept of a good hiding spot,” sighed Tommy’s father as Tommy huddled in the wide open corner of the living room, blissfully unaware of the fact that his entire body was completely unobscured from any potential seekers.
As Jordan Whittaker strolled down the street with a big smile on his face, it was evident that he had not been contemplating his own mortality.
“I think I’ll pay it forward for the next customer in line,” Jordan told the cashier at Starbucks, not even considering that his unavoidable death was fast approaching and all of his life’s accomplishments would be forgotten within a few decades.
Despite leading the NFL in rushing yards for multiple seasons, O. J. Simpson’s legacy will be permanently tainted by his underwhelming performance in the 1979 season.
“In his prime, he was renowned for his agility. Nobody was as good as O. J.
Ten-year-old Brayden’s pirate-themed birthday party is reportedly stupid and lame because it doesn’t involve any pillaging or killing. “Everyone come get your eyepatches and inflatable swords!” exclaimed Brayden’s mom, clearly taking inspiration from boring, glamorized pop culture depictions of piracy rather than historical sources.
“Better Call Saul” is, without a doubt, the best show I’ve seen in my entire life. It easily trumps all other shows in television history. The way Vince Gilligan was able to tell such a riveting story so expertly, season after season, is just unbelievable to me.
Sara Myers, a horse girl, has scheduled her own euthanization after spraining her ankle. “Sara, like other horse girls, has very delicate legs compared to her upper body. Unfortunately, that means a sprained ankle is often a death sentence,” Sara’s doctor stated solemnly, gesturing toward an anatomical diagram of a horse girl.
Tesla Autopilot engineers have been forced to weigh the moral quandary of whether to save 2 elderly men, 2 infants, and 4 dogs or 1 elderly man, 3 infants, and 6 dogs. “This is one of those classic trolley problems,” sighed James Higgins, lead software engineer in Tesla’s self-driving car division.
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