John's articles
After spending some time with your crab-like friend, it became apparent that he was rather soft on the inside once you looked beyond his hardened exterior.
“Devin is known to be pretty reserved. But if you’re a close friend of his, he’ll really come out of his shell,” said Devin’s friend Colleen, unable to resist the allure of Devin’s one noticeably larger hand which he frequently uses to attract mates.
Federal prosecutors have determined that Hunter Biden is only guilty of having a good time.
“Hunter has lived quite the exciting life. Tax evasion, smoking crack, cruising toward Las Vegas at 170 miles per hour, you name it,” said United States Attorney Brendan Myers, sifting through photos of Hunter Biden surrounded by prostitutes in a hot tub.
Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his intentions to stop adding fluoride to public water supplies and begin adding heroin instead.
“Public health in the United States is currently in a terrible state. We have far too many seed oils in our foods, dangerous vaccines in our blood, and toxic fluoride in our drinking water,” Kennedy said, adjusting his tinfoil hat.
Sources indicate that your worst nemesis sees you as nothing more than a regular nemesis.
“Alex is the lowest scum on this earth. When he enters a room, a bone-chilling draft accompanies him as if to announce his malicious presence to the unfortunate souls who have the displeasure of interacting with him,” said Owen, plotting a brutal retaliation against his mortal archnemesis Alex.
OpenAI announced that its long-awaited large language model GPT-5 will be more advanced and humanlike than previous models, even capable of experiencing anxiety.
“The progress that AI has made in the past few years is incredible. We got the first really capable chatbots only two years ago.
Local teenager Zach Dunlap has regrettably lost his eyesight after participating in the TikTok challenge based around stabbing yourself in the eye. “Unfortunately, the vision loss seems to be permanent,” commented optometrist Sean Moyer, consoling Zach’s grieving parents.
Friends and family of Zachary Cabrera were saddened to learn that his heart of gold had made him vulnerable to serious health complications.
“Zachary is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. He has a real heart of gold,” commented cardiologist Anna Knapp, pointing out the chunk of heavy metal on an X-ray of Zachary’s chest.
Bystanders watched in astonishment as a man-eating bear was thoroughly outclassed by a man eating a bear.
“Most people think grizzly bears are apex predators—top of the food chain. While it’s true that these bears will hunt humans occasionally, they do have a natural predator, which is a man eating them,” commented wildlife biologist Erica O’Connell, studying the man from a distance as he gnawed through the bear’s limbs one by one, pausing to lick his fingers and remove bear fur from between his teeth.
Jacob Woodley, the sole friend with a Samsung in a group of iPhone users, has really been fucking up the whole group chat.
“I’ve had it up to here with Jacob with his Samsung bullshit,” fumed Cassie Russell, squinting at a photo which had been reduced in quality by 400% because of the presence of a Samsung user in the group chat.
Wheeeeeee! I love swinging on this playground swing set. I don’t envy all you voters who’ve made your minds up already. While you argue with each other on Twitter, I’m just here swinging and having fun. Yippeeeee!
My vote is valuable, and I need as much time as possible to gather all the facts.
The iconic Big Mouth Billy Bass, an animatronic singing fish, wishes he were able to participate in meaningful dialogues rather than singing his silly songs.
“I wanna know, can ya help me? ♫” the animatronic fish belted out spiritedly, eager but unable to discuss the momentousness of Julian Assange’s release from prison.
The U.S. Coast Guard was pleased to report that the coast has been exhibiting its usual behavior.
“We’ve been monitoring the coast vigilantly since 1915,” boasted Lieutenant Jared Sweeney, rapidly glancing between monitors displaying boogie boarding conditions from all over the country.
You fools! You laugh at me now, but when the mighty floodwaters crash down upon us to cleanse the world of its wretched sin, I will be hoisted to the surface by my floaties! But the rest of you, skeptics, nonbelievers, and those who ridicule me ceaselessly for my fashion, you’ll all be damned! Damned to a fate of treading water for a few hours until you can tread no longer, all the while being jealous of my floaties.
Excited to be included in a game of hide and seek, toddler Tommy Hubbard seemed to be confident in his unconventional hiding spot. “This little dumbass just can’t wrap his smooth toddler brain around the concept of a good hiding spot,” sighed Tommy’s father as Tommy huddled in the wide open corner of the living room, blissfully unaware of the fact that his entire body was completely unobscured from any potential seekers.
As Jordan Whittaker strolled down the street with a big smile on his face, it was evident that he had not been contemplating his own mortality.
“I think I’ll pay it forward for the next customer in line,” Jordan told the cashier at Starbucks, not even considering that his unavoidable death was fast approaching and all of his life’s accomplishments would be forgotten within a few decades.
Despite leading the NFL in rushing yards for multiple seasons, O. J. Simpson’s legacy will be permanently tainted by his underwhelming performance in the 1979 season.
“In his prime, he was renowned for his agility. Nobody was as good as O. J.
Ten-year-old Brayden’s pirate-themed birthday party is reportedly stupid and lame because it doesn’t involve any pillaging or killing. “Everyone come get your eyepatches and inflatable swords!” exclaimed Brayden’s mom, clearly taking inspiration from boring, glamorized pop culture depictions of piracy rather than historical sources.
“Better Call Saul” is, without a doubt, the best show I’ve seen in my entire life. It easily trumps all other shows in television history. The way Vince Gilligan was able to tell such a riveting story so expertly, season after season, is just unbelievable to me.
Sara Myers, a horse girl, has scheduled her own euthanization after spraining her ankle. “Sara, like other horse girls, has very delicate legs compared to her upper body. Unfortunately, that means a sprained ankle is often a death sentence,” Sara’s doctor stated solemnly, gesturing toward an anatomical diagram of a horse girl.
Tesla Autopilot engineers have been forced to weigh the moral quandary of whether to save 2 elderly men, 2 infants, and 4 dogs or 1 elderly man, 3 infants, and 6 dogs. “This is one of those classic trolley problems,” sighed James Higgins, lead software engineer in Tesla’s self-driving car division.
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