“The iPhone 8’s battery life will decrease gradually from 100 to 95%, then immediately shut off,” Cook said, adding that it takes a long time to charge the phones. “With an ultra-HD screen that expends 40% more energy and a smaller battery because we felt like it, you’ll enjoy the next generation of iPhones for 5-6 minutes at a time.”


A new feature will allow the smartphone to remain on if it falls to 95% when it is not in use, then power off immediately after it is unlocked.

“We’ve also made it so that the screen will crack the first time it touches anything hard and automatically shatter after two months,” Cook explained. “We know all of you will buy it anyway, so we really don’t care if it’s a problem.”

“Also, chargers will cost one thousand dollars and be made of fragile glass.”

After acknowledging that brand recognition, an interface that everyone’s used to, and iMessage group chats are the only reasons consumers purchase iPhones, Cook announced that the new phones would cost $600.

“We’re doing this because we can,” said Cook, smiling. “We’ve already won.”

At press time, sources reported that Apple will drop the wages of its Shanghai factory workers to 20 cents an hour.