Francis's articles
Explaining that he quickly denied his feelings and tried to think about other things, sources report that the slight feelings of attraction junior Jake Evett felt for another man were no match for years of internalized homophobia.
“That’s not right,” said Evett, who grew up in a socially conservative household, as he began to feel a desire to be physically close to another male student.
According to a press release put out by the group on Tuesday, a team of archaeologists found that wine jugs, grain, and other food and drinks were extremely overpriced in the Roman Colosseum and other public game venues at the time.
“You could get a wine jug at a street vendor for one, maybe two denari,” said lead archaeologist Vincetti Corredi, “But the amphitheater vendors would charge you 5 or 6 for the same quality wine.
Following Space X’s launch of Elon Musk’s Tesla Roadster into space, NASA announced that they will send a used 2005 Toyota Corolla into space to compete for publicity.
“We’re ecstatic to announce that NASA will be launching a used Corolla into space by the end of the month,” announced NASA’s administrator Robert Lightfoot.
You may know me as one of my brother Elon Musk’s biggest friends, supporters, and partners. I am immensely proud of my brother for launching hist Tesla in to orbit, but I have a problem. I’m stuck in the trunk and running out of air.
I hopped into his trunk as a joke.
In response to increasing demand, Brown Dining Services director Martha Lorn announced that Jo’s will add a second empty ketchup dispenser to help ease the late night rush.
“One empty container isn’t enough to keep up with the hundreds of students who eat at Jo’s on weekend nights,” Lorn said.
The newly elected Undergraduate Council of Students, the oldest college student government in the United States, is excited to push for important changes to the University that almost no students will pay attention to.
“This is apparently important, but I don’t think any of us will pay attention,” said junior Dara Lang, who feels that Brown could probably improve in a few ways, but does not feel motivated to become involved in the changes.
Explaining that she had been spitting on everyone around her, audience members confirmed that acapella group Sing Sharp’s beatboxer Ellie Monsori was spitting so much. “I’m nowhere near the first row and I can clearly see that she’s spitting everywhere,” said Terry Gower ‘19, who couldn’t stop watching Monsori during the Sharp’s rendition of “Take Me Home Tonight.” “Sometimes she covers her mouth with her hand but sometimes she doesn’t, and then she’s just spitting all over everything.” At the end of the song, Monsori passed her mic to another member of the group who would soon begin spitting everywhere..
The Blognonian released a second iteration of Brown Datamatch results yesterday morning, and according to several individuals who participated, it only matched people with the blog’s staff.
“I was scrolling through and all of my matches were with Blognonian staffers,” said junior Kerri Slane.
Explaining that the overeager pair picks up students in a large, bullet-proof vehicle formerly used by banks, sources confirmed that two safe walkers have been driving students around in an armored van. “I was walking down Brown Street from Pembroke to the Rock last night,” said sophomore Nathaniel Wells, “when two students pulled up in an armored van and asked if I needed a safe walk.
Sources report that some critical review staffer definitely took serious creative license in their review of APMA 1740: Recent Applications Of Probability and Statistics.
“I think the review began with a Kante quote,” reported an astonished Laura O’Neill, who added that the course description was chalk full of fanciful prose.
Explaining that none of the seventy-four students are studying, sources report that everyone in the first floor study area of the Rock is taking a break to talk with friends.
“Nobody here has been studying for at least the last hour,” said Sophomore Kerry Andrews, who is standing at a friend’s table talking with them.
After news broke that he hired ex-Onion staffers to launch a new comedy website, Elon Musk announced his hiring of Brown Noser staffers to make a slightly lower-quality satirical news website. “I saw what they had done in The Noser, and I knew they would be perfect for my new project,” said Musk, explaining his goal of adding a low-grade satirical website to his growing media empire.
Following the success of the new counterclockwise bus route, Brown Shuttle Services announced yesterday that they will begin a special night bus which never stops and whose passengers stay on forever.
“We were very pleased with the positive reaction to our bus-route changes,” said Mark Seely, head of B.U.S., “so we added a nighttime service that will drive forever and ever into the night.
A report published by theater goers at Brown last week found that Sock and Buskin should just put on Hairspray or some other fun show.
“We get that they want to be artistic and stuff but we don’t understand any show they’ve put on this year,” the study explained.
Explaining that they just saw the team making its way through Caswell, students confirmed that the entire Brown basketball team and coaching staff are knocking on students’ dorm-room doors and asking them to attend their upcoming game.
“We just wanted to let you know that we have a home game this Friday at Princeton,” said freshman guard Desmond Cambridge to confused resident Alex Laurens ‘18.
According to a study conducted by students at Brown, there is somehow enough people who sing opera at Brown to fill an entire Brown Opera Productions cast.
“We always thought opera was a pretty obscure thing to do so we were surprised to see that at least like, ten to twenty people sing it here,” the report detailed, explaining that previous research assumed that opera was probably only a European thing.
Taking note of the incredibly low-key atmosphere in the room, sophomore Paula Kratz reported that everyone in The Underground is chill as fuck.
“It seems like no one here needs proper light,” reported Kratz, “The baristas are super laid-back too.
Explaining that it is difficult to remember long passwords exactly, officials at Facebook admitted that if you get your password close enough the website will log you in. “It’s not a big deal if you forget a capital letter or mistype one number,” said Chris Cox, Facebook’s Chief Product Manager, explaining that it would be too difficult for every user to get an eight-or-more character password right every time they tried to log in.
It has been the honor of a lifetime to act in a film such as “Call Me By Your Name.” I’m grateful for the incredible experience I had while filming and the incredible reception we have gotten from critics and the public. And I fully believe the film deserves all the praise it’s getting.
Sighing and explaining that he loved reading and writing since childhood, a wistful Charles Koch admitted yesterday that he has always wanted to buy out a creative writing department at a university.
“I’ve only ever focused on shaping the staff and ideology of economics, political science, and business departments,” said the sentimental Charles Koch, “but I’ve always loved reading and writing, and it would’ve been fun to explore putting a few million into some school’s creative writing department when I was a little younger.”
Koch explained that he loved reading fiction as a child, and used to dream about influencing his favorite author’s ideologies by contributing to their college’s writing department.
Explaining that the user is not on the popular dating app for any purpose, local student Robin Palmer’s Tinder description declares that they do not want to date, talk to, or be seen by anyone. “I have my tinder for no reason at all and my bio says that,” explained Palmer, who has seven pictures and a full profile yet is completely uninterested in the point of the app.
Explaining that he had hoped for more encounters with possessed people, friends of Father Antonio Piras confirmed that the Catholic priest expected way more exorcisms in his time as a priest.
“I thought I would have to exorcise a demon at least once a year,” explained Father Piras, who is a big fan of exorcism movies and is known to mutter latin prayers whenever he suspects people are acting strangely.
Explaining that it is difficult to remember long passwords exactly, officials at Facebook admitted that if you get your password close enough the website will log you in. “It’s not a big deal if you forget a capital letter or mistype one number,” said Chris Cox, Facebook’s Chief Product Manager, explaining that it would be too difficult for every user to get an eight-or-more character password right every time they tried to log in.
Explaining that he has heard about it but hasn’t bothered asking where it is, sources close to freshman Alex Sandhurst report that he will probably stumble upon the Ivy Room pretty soon. “He keeps saying he’s sick of Jo’s and wants healthier food,” reported fellow freshman Sarah Porter, who added that Sandhurst feels that the Ratty closes too early.
Explaining that it celebrated the accomplishments of the many “.5ers” who graduate in December, sources confirmed that the Mid-Year Graduation ceremony consisted of Graduates picking up diplomas at mail services while a man played the trumpet.
“Today we celebrate our .5ers by putting a trumpeter in the mail room to entertain them as they come pick up their diplomas,” said Dean Maud Mandel, who sent the mid-year completers an email that said “Congrats!” in the subject line but had no text in the body.
As a flat-earth believer, I’ve heard every lazy explanation out there to cover up the earth’s true shape. But there’s one thing that simply can’t be explained by every “equation,” “theory,” and “satellite image” out there: if the earth is a sphere, then why hasn’t any of Neil “the Slugger” Manny’s home runs ever gone into orbit?
For those of you who may not know: the Slugger from Smithfield is the best power hitter in the Ocean State.
I’m an American, and as an American, I show respect for this country and its God-given freedoms every chance I get. So I am proud to say that I stand for the flag, kneel for the cross, and boogie woogie woogie when the beat gets low.
Standing for the flag shows respect for the great freedoms brought to us by our soldiers, and kneeling for the cross is the commandment of the Lord who grants us these freedoms.
After releasing a report on the thousands of deaths that have taken place over the past two centuries, the Providence police confirmed that every creepy basement in Providence has seen at least 15 or so deaths.
“Statistics compiled from hundreds of murder and missing persons cases make it clear that the dark, unfinished basements of Providence have some of the highest murder rates in the world,” Providence police captain Colin Abbot said in a press conference, who added that no one was surprised that the horrifying floors were the sight of so unexplained deaths.
Explaining that the heap of clothes covers the entire floor, one of the desks, and blocks the ceiling light, friends of sophomore Sarah Malley confirmed that her pile of dirty clothes is just another few shirts and leggings away from the ceiling. “Normally she does laundry more frequently,” explained roommate Haley Cruz, who added that Sarah has slept on a slope of the pile for the past few nights, “but with midterms and clubs, she just hasn’t gotten around to cleaning any of the thousand or so pieces of clothing filling our dorm.” Haley added that, as of now, Sarah plans on using all ten of her building’s washing machines to start cleaning..
Faced with the choice of singing with the Jabberwocks or the Brown Derbies, a capella prospect George Cory can’t decide if he wants to wear a silly hat or a silly blazer.
“Do I want to sing with nineteen other guys in sport coats and ties or with nineteen other guys in vests and ties?” said Cory, adding that the groups could not be more different.
Explaining that a large theater that isn’t one of the many they already have is necessary for Brown performers, the administration confirmed that the new performance arts center, built in place of the current environmental studies house, will fill the demand that the other 25 campus performances spaces somehow don’t.
Aires: Don’t be thrown off your course, Aires. I’ve been busy, so I don’t know exactly what is going to happen to you this week, but trust the forces of the universe and good things might happen in your love life.
Taurus: Your stars are complicated right now, Taurus, and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would to figure them out.
RIPTA officials announced yesterday that buses will now automatically scream phrases such as “AGH!” and “Oh shit!” when making difficult turns.
“Due to how successfully our “bus is turning” announcement has notified the public about bus turns, RIPTA will now use terrified screams of “Move! Move! Move!” and “Coming in hot!” to warn drivers and pedestrians if the bus driver is going to try a turn that could be dangerous,” RIPTA CEO Ray Studley announced yesterday.
Explaining that he is grateful to explore Europe’s bars and clubs this semester, sources report that junior Greg Newsome is excited to spend his parents money on alcohol while studying film in Amsterdam. “When else am I going to have the opportunity to truly immerse myself in another culture and go out with so many people from a ton of different American colleges?” said Newsome, who has no interest in Dutch language, culture, history, or people.
Virgo: Your hard work and concentrated effort will come to a head soon, Virgo. Take some time to breathe and pay attention to the new faces in your life. You never know, one of them may be Seinfeld star Jason Alexander.
Libra: Don’t let your fixation on your career isolate you from others, Libra.
In a historic departure from Church tradition, the Vatican has officially allowed Roman Catholic priests to wear short-sleeve graphic-cassocks during casual masses.
“My @Nike #dryfit cassock keeps me absurdly cool on hot days in the basilica,“ Pope Francis wrote yesterday in a tweet that included a picture of him celebrating mass in a sleeveless dry-fit with the red outline of a crucifix above the text “just do it.”
Following the announcement, cassocks with text such as “Eu-cha-rist: the consumption of the body and blood of Christ” and photoshopped pictures of John Paul II and Mother Theresa battling devils quickly sold out on internet marketplaces.
Implying that dinner will be tense tonight, sources report that, oh jeez, Mom just referred to Dad as “your father.” “It’s no coincidence she started calling him “your father” right after he called to say he’d be late for the fourth night in a row,” said Tom, your younger brother.
In an attempt to increase sales amid increasing competition from online vendors, Barnes & Noble CEO Leonard Riggio announced last week that he will drive anyone who would buy a book to a local Barnes & Noble store.
“I’m excited to announce this bold new initiative that will help this company take back the book-buying market from online vendors,” Mr.
Explaining that the Holy Father smiled and acted like nothing was wrong, worshippers confirmed that Pope Francis was clearly distributing Tostitos Lime after misplacing the Eucharist wafers during last Sunday’s mass.
After retrieving the Eucharist’s container early in the service, the head of the Roman Catholic Church shook it once, froze, shook it again by his ear, then slapped his palm to his face.
Another day, another load of climate change lies. From scientists to the fake-news liberal media, the for-profit climate change machine keeps ringing the global warming alarm bells. But riddle me this, climate sheep: If climate change isn’t a big fat hoax, then why can I put my hands over my ears and yell “LA-LA-LA-LA!” when people try to talk about it?
I hear the arguments all the time.
According to multiple members of her family, local aunt Susan Woodrow has recently been writing loving posts on the timelines of total strangers.
“Hope you’re enjoying school!! -Aunt Suze,” Woodrow posted on the profile of Taylor Haidan, a Missouri college student to whom she has no connections.
Gemini: Today is a good day, Gemini. After a rough week where your social and work lives seemed to spin out of control, you will have good sex with an attractive acquaintance.
Cancer: Today you will find yourself in an argument with a business associate or colleague.
Sophomore Travis Booker calls Providence “his city” despite having only left Brown’s campus to go to the club Colosseum sources reported Monday. “Travis is a pretty busy guy, but he always makes time to explore Providence on Friday or Saturday nights at Colosseum,” said his roommate Mike Maroni, who has considered himself familiar with Providence since going to a party on Williams Street last fall.
Surprising Catholics and non-Catholics across the world, Pope Francis announced Sunday that he will be experimenting with “eastern religions” after his month-long trip to India.
“I went to find myself, and I think I found more,” the Pope said during a homily.
Sophomore Erica Flynn reported that her roommate Sammy Fisher is in a permanent state of leaving for the gym. “She was packing her workout clothes in a draw string bag when I got in bed last night, and when I woke up this morning she was mixing pre-workout powder into a water bottle,” Flynn said, adding that Fisher spends all of their neurology lectures tying her sneakers and stretching her arm across her chest.
Saying it is the only way to accompany all juniors returning from study abroad this spring semester, the Office of Residential Life announced Wednesday that it would house them in a sprawling tent city on Wriston Quadrangle.
Juniors and some mid-year transfers will pitch tents provided by the Office of Residential Life among metal garbage cans and loose trash on the grass of Wriston.
The parents of 15-year-old Eric Holt of Warwick confirmed yesterday that they were very uncomfortable after finding the Christmas list their son had written for Santa Claus this year. “I thought we made it pretty clear when he was like, nine that we were the ones buying his gifts,” Diane Holt said, adding that they had even made a point to show him the closet where they stashed the gifts before Christmas morning.
Saying it would look great on his resume and give him a chance to witness politicians at work, Rhode Island Assemblyman Greg Gordiano announced Wednesday that he is applying for a Congressional summer internship.
“I feel like a congressional internship would be a great experience if I decide to go into politics someday,” explained the 53 year-old Assemblyman, “and even if it’s all I do, it would be super cool to see how legislating works.”
Gordiano was student council vice president at Cranston High School East, which he hopes will be seen as leadership experience in his application.
Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed that the battery of the upcoming iPhone 8 will be able to die with 95% charge remaining, one of many innovations he discussed at a press conference Monday morning.
“The iPhone 8’s battery life will decrease gradually from 100 to 95%, then immediately shut off,” Cook said, adding that it takes a long time to charge the phones.
After every shift watching over the pool in the Katherine Moran Coleman Aquatic Center, freshman lifeguard Cole Strauss has to remove the bodies of swimmers who drowned during the day.
“It’s not my favorite, but retrieving the bodies of people who drowned while we watched is just something rookie guards have to do,” Strauss said after hauling the corpse of a local man to a dumpster behind his lifeguard stand.
I could look at the night sky forever. Its beauty, mystery, and unfathomable size entrance me. But nothing is more exciting than the feeling I get when I look up and remember, holy fuck, I’ve been there before.
Probably 90 percentof the time I glance up at the moon I stop and think, woah, I’m Neil Armstrong, the first guy to ever reach it.
After what he described as a relatively “smooth” first week with his first college roommate, freshman Sam Mellot hopes that his roommate Walter O’Neal won’t be bothered by the introduction of her pre-bedtime saxophone playing routine. “I like Walter already and I want to be friends with him,” said Mellot.
Still not provided with a replacement to the late justice Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court of the United States admitted that they are very excited to have even teams for their upcoming flag football game.
The death of Justice Scalia, described by fellow justices as a statesmen, a friend, and a “filthy” wide receiver, provides SCOTUS with even teams for the first time since 2005, when Justice Clarence Thomas was unable to play due to an ankle injury he acquired a month prior during the SCOTUS Summer Surf Trip.
Despite the fact that everyone else is going and there’s literally no reason why they shouldn’t be able to as well, stupid moms across the country won’t let their sons go to Kyle McGovern’s party tonight.
“I know what goes on at Kyle’s house and I don’t want you going, end of story,” the country’s jerk moms told their sons this morning, which, sources confirmed, sucks so much.
Shortly after becoming the second oldest human alive, 113 year-old Rose McCarthy told reporters that she is now eagerly waiting for 117 year-old Jack Binoche to die.
“I just hope he dies soon,” McCarthy said with a chuckle of the only surviving human to have lived in the 19th century.
Saying that it was part of an annual initiation ritual for the Christian missional community, sources confirmed that half-naked new members of Branch Campus Ministry were forced to chug communion wine from red cups in the candlelit basement of an undisclosed off-campus house.
As part of Brown’s 10-year Building on Distinction Plan for university expansion, the Office of Residential Life quietly installed swipe pads on all Jewelry District buildings between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. this morning. The installations rendered the buildings inaccessible without a Brown ID.
Saying that it was an uncreative and inaccurate depiction of a smiling face, Maureen and Richard Palberg told reporters that their 7 year-old son Andy’s macaroni art was really bad. “We’re really proud of all the work Andy put into this, but, honestly, it wasn’t worth it,” Maureen said.
After reinvestigating the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, a commission of historians and investigators announced Tuesday that Lee Harvey Oswald was actually aiming for the driver of the presidential limousine, William Greer.
“Our findings reveal that Lee Harvey Oswald actually shot President Kennedy in the neck and then the head accidentally,” said chief investigator Larry Boyle.
Lead officials at the National Institutes of Health announced Monday that they had granted a group of scientists $13 million to pursue something called a “Murder Machine.”
“We are excited to fund ‘Murder Machine’ in this upcoming fiscal quarter,” said NIH Director Dr.
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