Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Francis Bogan


Francis's articles

Freshman Probably Going To Stumble Upon Ivy Room Pretty Soon | Dec 01 2017

Explaining that he has heard about it but hasn’t bothered asking where it is, sources close to freshman Alex Sandhurst report that he will probably stumble upon the Ivy Room pretty soon. “He keeps saying he’s sick of Jo’s and wants healthier food,” reported fellow freshman Sarah Porter, who added that Sandhurst feels that the Ratty closes too early.

Mid-Year Completion Ceremony Just Graduates Picking Up Diplomas At Mail Services While Trumpet Plays | Dec 01 2017

Explaining that it celebrated the accomplishments of the many “.5ers” who graduate in December, sources confirmed that the Mid-Year Graduation ceremony consisted of Graduates picking up diplomas at mail services while a man played the trumpet. “Today we celebrate our .5ers by putting a trumpeter in the mail room to entertain them as they come pick up their diplomas,” said Dean Maud Mandel, who sent the mid-year completers an email that said “Congrats!” in the subject line but had no text in the body.

If the Earth Is a Sphere Than How Hasn’t the Smithfield Slugger Ever Hit a Ball Into Orbit? | Dec 01 2017

As a flat-earth believer, I’ve heard every lazy explanation out there to cover up the earth’s true shape. But there’s one thing that simply can’t be explained by every “equation,” “theory,” and “satellite image” out there: if the earth is a sphere, then why hasn’t any of Neil “the Slugger” Manny’s home runs ever gone into orbit? For those of you who may not know: the Slugger from Smithfield is the best power hitter in the Ocean State.

I am Proud To Say I Stand for the Flag, Kneel at the Cross, and Boogie Woogie Woogie When the Beat Gets Low | Dec 01 2017

I’m an American, and as an American, I show respect for this country and its God-given freedoms every chance I get. So I am proud to say that I stand for the flag, kneel for the cross, and boogie woogie woogie when the beat gets low. Standing for the flag shows respect for the great freedoms brought to us by our soldiers, and kneeling for the cross is the commandment of the Lord who grants us these freedoms.

Every Providence Basement the Sight Of At Least 15 Deaths | Nov 03 2017

After releasing a report on the thousands of deaths that have taken place over the past two centuries, the Providence police confirmed that every creepy basement in Providence has seen at least 15 or so deaths. “Statistics compiled from hundreds of murder and missing persons cases make it clear that the dark, unfinished basements of Providence have some of the highest murder rates in the world,” Providence police captain Colin Abbot said in a press conference, who added that no one was surprised that the horrifying floors were the sight of so unexplained deaths.

Student’s Pile Of Dirty Clothes Just Inches From Ceiling | Nov 03 2017

Explaining that the heap of clothes covers the entire floor, one of the desks, and blocks the ceiling light, friends of sophomore Sarah Malley confirmed that her pile of dirty clothes is just another few shirts and leggings away from the ceiling. “Normally she does laundry more frequently,” explained roommate Haley Cruz, who added that Sarah has slept on a slope of the pile for the past few nights, “but with midterms and clubs, she just hasn’t gotten around to cleaning any of the thousand or so pieces of clothing filling our dorm.” Haley added that, as of now, Sarah plans on using all ten of her building’s washing machines to start cleaning..

A Capella Prospect Can’t Decide If He Wants To Be In Group That Wears Silly Hats or Silly Blazers | Nov 03 2017

Faced with the choice of singing with the Jabberwocks or the Brown Derbies, a capella prospect George Cory can’t decide if he wants to wear a silly hat or a silly blazer. “Do I want to sing with nineteen other guys in sport coats and ties or with nineteen other guys in vests and ties?” said Cory, adding that the groups could not be more different.

New Performance Arts Center To Fill Demand That Other 25 Campus Performances Spaces Somehow Don't | Nov 03 2017

Explaining that a large theater that isn’t one of the many they already have is necessary for Brown performers, the administration confirmed that the new performance arts center, built in place of the current environmental studies house, will fill the demand that the other 25 campus performances spaces somehow don’t.

Madame Clementine's Horoscopes | Nov 03 2017

Aires: Don’t be thrown off your course, Aires. I’ve been busy, so I don’t know exactly what is going to happen to you this week, but trust the forces of the universe and good things might happen in your love life. Taurus: Your stars are complicated right now, Taurus, and I didn’t have as much time as I thought I would to figure them out.

RIPTA Automated Bus-Voice To Begin Screaming During Really Hard Turns | Sep 15 2017

RIPTA officials announced yesterday that buses will now automatically scream phrases such as “AGH!” and “Oh shit!” when making difficult turns. “Due to how successfully our “bus is turning” announcement has notified the public about bus turns, RIPTA will now use terrified screams of “Move! Move! Move!” and “Coming in hot!” to warn drivers and pedestrians if the bus driver is going to try a turn that could be dangerous,” RIPTA CEO Ray Studley announced yesterday.

Student Studying Abroad Excited For Experience Of Spending Parent’s Money On Alcohol In Di erent Country | Sep 15 2017

Explaining that he is grateful to explore Europe’s bars and clubs this semester, sources report that junior Greg Newsome is excited to spend his parents money on alcohol while studying film in Amsterdam. “When else am I going to have the opportunity to truly immerse myself in another culture and go out with so many people from a ton of different American colleges?” said Newsome, who has no interest in Dutch language, culture, history, or people.

Madame Clementine's Horoscopes | Sep 15 2017

Virgo: Your hard work and concentrated effort will come to a head soon, Virgo. Take some time to breathe and pay attention to the new faces in your life. You never know, one of them may be Seinfeld star Jason Alexander. Libra: Don’t let your fixation on your career isolate you from others, Libra.

Vatican Approves Short Sleeve Graphic-Cassocks For Casual Masses | Sep 15 2017

In a historic departure from Church tradition, the Vatican has officially allowed Roman Catholic priests to wear short-sleeve graphic-cassocks during casual masses. “My @Nike #dryfit cassock keeps me absurdly cool on hot days in the basilica,“ Pope Francis wrote yesterday in a tweet that included a picture of him celebrating mass in a sleeveless dry-fit with the red outline of a crucifix above the text “just do it.” Following the announcement, cassocks with text such as “Eu-cha-rist: the consumption of the body and blood of Christ” and photoshopped pictures of John Paul II and Mother Theresa battling devils quickly sold out on internet marketplaces.

Uh Oh, Mom Keeps Referring to Dad as Your Father | Sep 15 2017

Implying that dinner will be tense tonight, sources report that, oh jeez, Mom just referred to Dad as “your father.” “It’s no coincidence she started calling him “your father” right after he called to say he’d be late for the fourth night in a row,” said Tom, your younger brother.

Barnes & Noble CEO Offering To Drive Anyone Who’s Willing To Buy A Book To A Store | Apr 21 2017

In an attempt to increase sales amid increasing competition from online vendors, Barnes & Noble CEO Leonard Riggio announced last week that he will drive anyone who would buy a book to a local Barnes & Noble store. “I’m excited to announce this bold new initiative that will help this company take back the book-buying market from online vendors,” Mr.

Pope Francis Clearly Using Tostitos Lime After Misplacing Eucharist Wafers | Apr 21 2017

Explaining that the Holy Father smiled and acted like nothing was wrong, worshippers confirmed that Pope Francis was clearly distributing Tostitos Lime after misplacing the Eucharist wafers during last Sunday’s mass. After retrieving the Eucharist’s container early in the service, the head of the Roman Catholic Church shook it once, froze, shook it again by his ear, then slapped his palm to his face.

If Climate Change Is Real, Than Why Can I Put My Hands Over My Ears And Yell “LA-LA-LA-LA!” When People Try To Talk About It? | Apr 21 2017

Another day, another load of climate change lies. From scientists to the fake-news liberal media, the for-profit climate change machine keeps ringing the global warming alarm bells. But riddle me this, climate sheep: If climate change isn’t a big fat hoax, then why can I put my hands over my ears and yell “LA-LA-LA-LA!” when people try to talk about it? I hear the arguments all the time.

Aunt On Facebook Now Commenting “I Miss You!” On Timelines Of Total Strangers | Apr 21 2017

According to multiple members of her family, local aunt Susan Woodrow has recently been writing loving posts on the timelines of total strangers. “Hope you’re enjoying school!! -Aunt Suze,” Woodrow posted on the profile of Taylor Haidan, a Missouri college student to whom she has no connections.

Madame Sych's Horoscopes | Apr 21 2017

Gemini: Today is a good day, Gemini. After a rough week where your social and work lives seemed to spin out of control, you will have good sex with an attractive acquaintance. Cancer: Today you will find yourself in an argument with a business associate or colleague.

Student Who Has Only Left Campus To Go To Colosseum Calls Providence His Home | Mar 17 2017

Sophomore Travis Booker calls Providence “his city” despite having only left Brown’s campus to go to the club Colosseum sources reported Monday. “Travis is a pretty busy guy, but he always makes time to explore Providence on Friday or Saturday nights at Colosseum,” said his roommate Mike Maroni, who has considered himself familiar with Providence since going to a party on Williams Street last fall.

Pope Francis Experimenting With “Eastern Religions” After Month-long Trip To India | Dec 09 2016

Surprising Catholics and non-Catholics across the world, Pope Francis announced Sunday that he will be experimenting with “eastern religions” after his month-long trip to India. “I went to find myself, and I think I found more,” the Pope said during a homily.

Roommate In Permanent State Of Leaving For Gym | Dec 09 2016

Sophomore Erica Flynn reported that her roommate Sammy Fisher is in a permanent state of leaving for the gym. “She was packing her workout clothes in a draw string bag when I got in bed last night, and when I woke up this morning she was mixing pre-workout powder into a water bottle,” Flynn said, adding that Fisher spends all of their neurology lectures tying her sneakers and stretching her arm across her chest.

Residential Life To House Juniors Returning From Abroad In Sprawling Tent City | Dec 09 2016

Saying it is the only way to accompany all juniors returning from study abroad this spring semester, the Office of Residential Life announced Wednesday that it would house them in a sprawling tent city on Wriston Quadrangle. Juniors and some mid-year transfers will pitch tents provided by the Office of Residential Life among metal garbage cans and loose trash on the grass of Wriston.

Parents Uncomfortable After Finding 15-Year-Old’s Letter to Santa | Dec 09 2016

The parents of 15-year-old Eric Holt of Warwick confirmed yesterday that they were very uncomfortable after finding the Christmas list their son had written for Santa Claus this year. “I thought we made it pretty clear when he was like, nine that we were the ones buying his gifts,” Diane Holt said, adding that they had even made a point to show him the closet where they stashed the gifts before Christmas morning.

Rhode Island Assemblyman Applying For D.C. Summer Internship To Gain Experience In Politics | Dec 09 2016

Saying it would look great on his resume and give him a chance to witness politicians at work, Rhode Island Assemblyman Greg Gordiano announced Wednesday that he is applying for a Congressional summer internship. “I feel like a congressional internship would be a great experience if I decide to go into politics someday,” explained the 53 year-old Assemblyman, “and even if it’s all I do, it would be super cool to see how legislating works.” Gordiano was student council vice president at Cranston High School East, which he hopes will be seen as leadership experience in his application.

Apple Announces Next iPhone Will Be Able To Die With 95% Battery Remaining | Dec 09 2016

Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed that the battery of the upcoming iPhone 8 will be able to die with 95% charge remaining, one of many innovations he discussed at a press conference Monday morning. “The iPhone 8’s battery life will decrease gradually from 100 to 95%, then immediately shut off,” Cook said, adding that it takes a long time to charge the phones.

Rookie Lifeguard Has to Remove Dead Bodies From Pool | Nov 04 2016

After every shift watching over the pool in the Katherine Moran Coleman Aquatic Center, freshman lifeguard Cole Strauss has to remove the bodies of swimmers who drowned during the day. “It’s not my favorite, but retrieving the bodies of people who drowned while we watched is just something rookie guards have to do,” Strauss said after hauling the corpse of a local man to a dumpster behind his lifeguard stand.

Sometimes I Look Up At The Night Sky And Think, "Fuck, I've Been There" by Neil Armstrong | Nov 04 2016

I could look at the night sky forever. Its beauty, mystery, and unfathomable size entrance me. But nothing is more exciting than the feeling I get when I look up and remember, holy fuck, I’ve been there before. Probably 90 percentof the time I glance up at the moon I stop and think, woah, I’m Neil Armstrong, the first guy to ever reach it.

Freshman Hopes New Roommate Okay With Pre-Bedtime Saxophone Playing Routine | Sep 16 2016

After what he described as a relatively “smooth” first week with his first college roommate, freshman Sam Mellot hopes that his roommate Walter O’Neal won’t be bothered by the introduction of her pre-bedtime saxophone playing routine. “I like Walter already and I want to be friends with him,” said Mellot.

Supreme Court Excited to Finally Have Even Teams for Flag Football Championship | Sep 16 2016

Still not provided with a replacement to the late justice Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court of the United States admitted that they are very excited to have even teams for their upcoming flag football game. The death of Justice Scalia, described by fellow justices as a statesmen, a friend, and a “filthy” wide receiver, provides SCOTUS with even teams for the first time since 2005, when Justice Clarence Thomas was unable to play due to an ankle injury he acquired a month prior during the SCOTUS Summer Surf Trip.

Report: Nation’s Stupid Moms Won’t Let Sons Go To Kyle’s Party | Sep 16 2016

Despite the fact that everyone else is going and there’s literally no reason why they shouldn’t be able to as well, stupid moms across the country won’t let their sons go to Kyle McGovern’s party tonight. “I know what goes on at Kyle’s house and I don’t want you going, end of story,” the country’s jerk moms told their sons this morning, which, sources confirmed, sucks so much.

2nd Oldest Person Eagerly Awaiting Death of Oldest | Sep 16 2016

Shortly after becoming the second oldest human alive, 113 year-old Rose McCarthy told reporters that she is now eagerly waiting for 117 year-old Jack Binoche to die. “I just hope he dies soon,” McCarthy said with a chuckle of the only surviving human to have lived in the 19th century.

Half-Naked Branch Campus Ministry Initiates Forced To Chug Communion Wine In All Night Ritual | Apr 29 2016

Saying that it was part of an annual initiation ritual for the Christian missional community, sources confirmed that half-naked new members of Branch Campus Ministry were forced to chug communion wine from red cups in the candlelit basement of an undisclosed off-campus house.

Office Of Residential Life Quietly Installs Swipe Pads On All Jewelry District Buildings In Overnight Take-Over | Apr 29 2016

As part of Brown’s 10-year Building on Distinction Plan for university expansion, the Office of Residential Life quietly installed swipe pads on all Jewelry District buildings between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. this morning. The installations rendered the buildings inaccessible without a Brown ID.

Child's Macaroni Sculpture Really Bad | Apr 29 2016

Saying that it was an uncreative and inaccurate depiction of a smiling face, Maureen and Richard Palberg told reporters that their 7 year-old son Andy’s macaroni art was really bad. “We’re really proud of all the work Andy put into this, but, honestly, it wasn’t worth it,” Maureen said.

Investigation Reveals Lee Harvey Oswald Actually Aiming For Driver | Apr 29 2016

After reinvestigating the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, a commission of historians and investigators announced Tuesday that Lee Harvey Oswald was actually aiming for the driver of the presidential limousine, William Greer. “Our findings reveal that Lee Harvey Oswald actually shot President Kennedy in the neck and then the head accidentally,” said chief investigator Larry Boyle.

NIH Grants Scientist $13 Million To Pursue Something Called "Murder Machine" | Apr 29 2016

Lead officials at the National Institutes of Health announced Monday that they had granted a group of scientists $13 million to pursue something called a “Murder Machine.” “We are excited to fund ‘Murder Machine’ in this upcoming fiscal quarter,” said NIH Director Dr.