In olden times, when we were still cavemen and cavewomen, nipples were crucial to our survival. Out in the wild, hunter-gatherers needed two sets of eyes: one for hunting, the other for gathering. The eyes on our heads were always focusing on far distances, looking up in the trees for birds or miles ahead for buffalo while our nipples found berries to pick from the shrubs close by.

Valuing warmth over the benefits of enhanced vision, cave dwellers began veiling their nipples inside shirts. Having been shrouded in darkness for thousands of years by these shirts, our brain has since rewired itself so our nipples have stopped seeing.

This stunning phenomenon raises the question of whether human abilities other than nipple vision have been lost during evolution. Are belly buttons preventing pregnant women from feeding their fetuses directly through holes in their stomachs? Was the introduction of the condom the reason why men can no longer use their penises as firearms to protect their families from intruders?

While evolution has taken away our use of nipples as a second pair of eyes, it unfortunately did not take away the now useless male instinct of trying to look at women’s lower set of eyes. The characteristic has no purpose anymore but it still exists, kind of like the appendix.