“I’m starting to wonder whether or not alphabetizing my record collection and learning to love me for me really will make everything okay between Karen and me,” Castillo reported.

The jilted lover and retail associate’s initial thinking was that organizing his workspace and listening to more audiobooks would show Karen that he had really become serious—after which she would almost certainly welcome him back into her life. He began frequenting local establishments he had always told Karen that he wanted to go to, which was probably a lie at the time, but it turns out that Castillo has really enjoyed treating himself to these small adventures. As of last week’s revelation, however, it has become increasingly doubtful that doing things like grinding his own coffee, showing gratitude to the people in his life, practicing awareness, subvocalizing positivity mantras, spending weekends outside the city, and learning chess will make Karen realize the error of her ways.

“I’m thinking I might just call the whole thing off,” he said.

At press time, Castillo was debating whether learning French or practicing guitar would more likely show Karen that he has become fully capable of making an adult life with her.