According to a study released last Thursday, America’s parents, grandparents, and teachers know next to nothing about what it means to enjoy a bowl of brightly colored breakfast cereal while riding a skateboard. Researchers cited a lack of casual cool in observed subjects over the age of 30, resulting in a marked increase in concern for the rules, general crabbiness and near-to-complete disinterest in boxed prizes.
U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack is still telling everyone who will listen that he is a member of Obama’s cabinet. The man in charge of America’s national forests and grasslands is very adamant on this point, loudly maintaining when pressed that the President comes to him first on all issues agriculture related.
Chief Justice John Roberts announced at a press conference Tuesday that he prefers to think of the Supreme Court as a group of nine crime solving pals instead of just the nation’s final judiciary authority.
“What people don’t realize is we’re so much more than just the highest court in the land,” Roberts remarked.
Everyone from the office will be getting drinks tonight at Little Steven’s Bar & Grill, report inside sources, which means that Jill from Accounts Receivable will probably also be making an appearance. The furtive eye-contact maker has often hinted at the possibility of socializing outside of work but has thus far proved unavailable in previous attempts to go get a casual cup of coffee or see a movie or something.
Michael Renton GS ’16 appreciates your comment and, more than anything, the fact that you feel that his 10:30 a.m. Friday section is a safe place to air your opinion. He has seen such good work from you so far this semester and the observation you just made aloud about this week’s reading is indicative of exactly the sort of go-getter attitude he’s learned to love and expect from you.
Gordon Hunt ’13 has been loudly maintaining his sobriety over the past three weeks, making sure that those around him are sure of his lucidity at all times. It would appear as though the Biology concentrator can be taken at his word.
“Let me drive.
Providence-area sales representative and father of three Jim Torrington needs to know which of his sons did that horrible thing or else Christmas will not be held this year. Torrington maintains that Santa Claus is listed on his Blackberry’s speed dial, which might be a bluff but probably is not.
The United States announced out loud to itself this Thursday that it knows it left its troops around here someplace. This marks the third time in a week that the nation has casually forgotten just where it put its soldiers. It could have sworn that it set them down somewhere near the Red Sea—although come to think of it, it could have been the Black Sea.
Eisenhower Middle School students Fred Pacer and Sydney Jackson plan to share a pair of headphones in the back seat of the school bus this afternoon. The pair’s announcement comes after several moments of awkward and prolonged eye contact in second-period Science, fifth-period Music and hallway break period over the past few days.
The recommendation system for popular movie-streaming website Netflix completely understands Gregory Spiegel ’13. From last summer’s sleeper hits to droll BBC programming, every single suggestion the site has made for him over the past four months has felt handpicked for Spiegel himself.
In a shocking turn, your parents were vindicated Wednesday at approximately 2:30 p.m., when you made the decision they have no doubt warned you about umpteen hundreds of times over the course of your lifetime and nevertheless knew you would proceed with.
Providence resident and middle manager Christopher Harlan created a blog last weekend whilst self-reportedly “feeling a little crazy.” The website, registered through the free service WordPress, is largely a collection of disorganized musings, low-resolution pictures, and inspirational quotations.
The nation awoke last Thursday to realize that the calendar years 2000-2012 had all been some sort of communal, anxiety-induced fantasy. From the Supreme Court’s landmark Bush v. Gore decision to the humanitarian crisis in Syria, every moment of the hellish decade melted away into the dream-ether as Americans the country over woke up to sounding alarm clocks and shook off the horrible nightmare.
Those around shoegazer George Howard ’14 recently reached a collective consensus that the self-affirmed recluse is not worth getting to know. The shy, quiet student offers no unique perspectives, refuses to maintain eye contact and adds little in the way of critical or incisive thought.
Local cocker spaniel Sparks is, by any and all reasonable account, the best stinking dog on the entire planet. From his naturally shiny fur to that sly smirk Sparks’ owner Trish Johnson knows is just for her, Sparks stands head and shoulders above any pup on the block.
Matt Robertson, age 10, recently reported to a group of schoolyard friends that, when given the option, he much prefers spending time at his father’s spacious, ranch-style home than the two-bedroom apartment now shared by his mother and her new boyfriend.
Area Divorcee Fred Mackerel, according to expert sources, has effectively filled the God-sized hole in his soul with a combination of ethyl alcohol, nicotine and haphazard sex with strange women.
Shortly after separating from his wife of 15 years, Mackerel found himself in a spiritual crisis.
In answer to the concerns of those close to him, self-identified party-pooper Jason Turner asserts that he only poops in social situations. Without fail, the Sophomore Biology concentrator can be counted on to excuse himself to the restroom whenever out with people, witnesses reporting that he is sometimes gone for upwards of fifteen minutes.
High school sweethearts Joe Clarke and Madison Russell were married in a quaint ceremony among family and friends last Sunday. Though both were virgins upon marriage, those close to the Methodist couple say it’s probably safe to assume that, by this point, the two have probably engaged in sexual intercourse.
America’s villainy made a shocking announcement last Thursday, claiming that this is not over yet, not by a long shot. From coast to coast, our nation’s ne’er-do-wells, scoundrels and bad guys simultaneously refused to face facts and realize that they had each been defeated by their respective nemeses.
A report released by the Brown University Department of Biology last Thursday evinced proof beyond all reasonable doubt that, when you get right down to it, some people really are just natural-born champions. The report, conducted over a period of nearly a decade, shows that the whole of the human population can be divided into those that exhibit the quality “it” and those that do not.
Mark Hebert ’15 returned home over Thanksgiving break to a reception from his immediate family that was neither warm and welcoming nor cooky-crazy in an endearing sort of way. This being Hebert’s first time seeing his parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, or uncles in his time since leaving for school, the freshman was hoping things might be different this holiday season than their usual, uncomfortable norm.
If you’re a cop, you have to tell me. This isn’t—you aren’t are you? Because you sort of have this cop way of standing. You sort of have this cop posture. And that is definitely a cop haircut. The uniform and badge are throwing me a little as well.
Area resident Joe Markson ’10 displayed his tattoos for all to see at an off-campus get-together last Friday. Running a single finger down and across what he calls his “ink” and striking a pose against the wall that one partygoer would later describe as “aggressively casual,” Markson proceeded to explain to anyone who would listen the circumstances and story behind each image.