Drew's articles
Area 34-year-old Mark Spratt told reporters on Tuesday that he feels he has reached the time in his life when a man starts thinking about settling down to start a secret family. While Spratt maintains that his late 20s and early 30s living with a single family in the Greater Boston metropolitan area was a lot of fun, it is time for him to move on to the next logical stage of his adult development.
According to onlookers, the prim-seeming young girl and her little brother apparently rationing out cellophane packets of saltine crackers in a corner of Boston’s Museum of Fine Arts just might be living in the place. The pair, speaking in hushed whispers in a corner of the museum’s Greek and Roman collection, looks to be counting out the crackers as if to live on for a period of several days.
According to the reports of both facility workers and fellow prisoners, Robert Haring, a recently matriculated inmate at Colquitt County Correctional Institution, won’t stop talking about how things were done at his old prison, Pulaski State, the facility from which he was recently transferred.
Responding to news that several of his advances in aerodynamic engineering would be used in the creation of a new model of ballistic missile, Lockheed Martin-employed scientist Richard Conwell expressed no surprise that his experimental research would be weaponized.
According to the account of grief-stricken residents, the town of Dalton, Ga. gathered together as a community on Sunday to vaguely remember Rachel Milliner, the teenage victim of last week’s hit-and-run car accident.
“Rachel never, so far as I can recall, had a mean word to say to anybody,” recounted classmate Alex Johnston, who sat behind Rachel last year in Algebra—unless it was the Rachel that sat in front of him the year before in Geometry.
Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel announced on Friday that the United States Department of Defense would be switching its national security strategy to man-to-man coverage. “Upon weighing the comparative merits of a conventional policy combining military and contractor resources versus one based on a stripped down, man-to-man approach," Hagel explained, "the Joint Chiefs of Staff and I decided it would be best to change up our playbook.”
“Each ‘X’ stands for one of our personnel.
Secretary of the Treasure Theodore Mitchell reiterated publicly last Thursday that the duties of his position precluded him from ever telling anyone where the treasure is buried. “As Secretary of the Treasure, I would like to assure the American people that I will never tell anyone where the treasure is hidden—whether I’m under duress, tricked through riddle, or asked nicely,” said Mitchell, who also gave coy intimations that the public was not necessarily right to assume that the treasure is, in fact, buried.
So it is you, reader, who is willing to allow me to lay before you, in this written assay, the results of my enquiries into the twin natures of Art and Moral Judgment. My object in such an auspicious undertaking is the delineation of that transcendental ground wherein the aesthetic and ethical nobilities of human nature are inextricably wound.
Foreign war correspondent Michael Silverstone can barely fight the urge to jump into the ongoing armed conflict on which he is currently reporting. The 34-year-old reporter is so tempted to forgo his journalistic responsibilities and have at it right alongside the belligerents.
A group of gutsy and spirited preteens banded together to solve the puzzle of the spooky double-murder suicide committed last week down by Old Man Jefferson’s plot of land. The five children figured out the caper as much through sheer pluck and determination as through their piercing, childhood prescience.
Providence resident Frank Castillo began to realize on Tuesday that doing the sort of things like folding his laundry, brushing his teeth twice daily, and sticking to a moderately intense exercise regimen will not bring back his ex-girlfriend Karen.
Investment banker Bradley Singer’s average workday mostly involves making the money do the thing that it does, and making sure that it does that thing well. The 28-year-old businessman pulls in a clean six figures making sure that the money is doing okay, which is good because if the money didn’t work then bad things would presumably happen.
Affable everyman Christopher Miller’s Tuesday stalled in its narrative conclusion last week as the protagonist’s day entered its resolving action. Shoddy and overwritten plotting resulted in a hodgepodge of nonsensical events, stilted dialogue and confused motives, as Miller seemingly lost track of the circumstances in which he had been embroiled ever since Tuesday’s first plot point.
The tight-knit community of Divernon, Ill. found itself searching for answers following the arrest of Eric Smalls, area retail employee and alleged murderer embroiled in an ongoing regional investigation.
Last month’s string of homicides concluding in a tense standoff with state and Sangamon County Police outside a Route 66 gas station has left many here wondering how such a thing could happen in their quiet town.
Author Jonathan Franzen was spotted reading the Franzen novel “Freedom” outside a Minneapolis Starbucks last Thursday. This marks the sixth time in the past three years that Franzen has been caught thumbing through the work.
“I’m almost done,” reported Franzen on being approached, “and I really want to see what happens to Patty.
According to a study released last Thursday, America’s parents, grandparents, and teachers know next to nothing about what it means to enjoy a bowl of brightly colored breakfast cereal while riding a skateboard. Researchers cited a lack of casual cool in observed subjects over the age of 30, resulting in a marked increase in concern for the rules, general crabbiness and near-to-complete disinterest in boxed prizes.
U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack is still telling everyone who will listen that he is a member of Obama’s cabinet. The man in charge of America’s national forests and grasslands is very adamant on this point, loudly maintaining when pressed that the President comes to him first on all issues agriculture related.
Chief Justice John Roberts announced at a press conference Tuesday that he prefers to think of the Supreme Court as a group of nine crime solving pals instead of just the nation’s final judiciary authority.
“What people don’t realize is we’re so much more than just the highest court in the land,” Roberts remarked.
Everyone from the office will be getting drinks tonight at Little Steven’s Bar & Grill, report inside sources, which means that Jill from Accounts Receivable will probably also be making an appearance. The furtive eye-contact maker has often hinted at the possibility of socializing outside of work but has thus far proved unavailable in previous attempts to go get a casual cup of coffee or see a movie or something.
Michael Renton GS ’16 appreciates your comment and, more than anything, the fact that you feel that his 10:30 a.m. Friday section is a safe place to air your opinion. He has seen such good work from you so far this semester and the observation you just made aloud about this week’s reading is indicative of exactly the sort of go-getter attitude he’s learned to love and expect from you.
Gordon Hunt ’13 has been loudly maintaining his sobriety over the past three weeks, making sure that those around him are sure of his lucidity at all times. It would appear as though the Biology concentrator can be taken at his word.
“Let me drive.
Providence-area sales representative and father of three Jim Torrington needs to know which of his sons did that horrible thing or else Christmas will not be held this year. Torrington maintains that Santa Claus is listed on his Blackberry’s speed dial, which might be a bluff but probably is not.
The United States announced out loud to itself this Thursday that it knows it left its troops around here someplace. This marks the third time in a week that the nation has casually forgotten just where it put its soldiers. It could have sworn that it set them down somewhere near the Red Sea—although come to think of it, it could have been the Black Sea.
Eisenhower Middle School students Fred Pacer and Sydney Jackson plan to share a pair of headphones in the back seat of the school bus this afternoon. The pair’s announcement comes after several moments of awkward and prolonged eye contact in second-period Science, fifth-period Music and hallway break period over the past few days.
The recommendation system for popular movie-streaming website Netflix completely understands Gregory Spiegel ’13. From last summer’s sleeper hits to droll BBC programming, every single suggestion the site has made for him over the past four months has felt handpicked for Spiegel himself.
In a shocking turn, your parents were vindicated Wednesday at approximately 2:30 p.m., when you made the decision they have no doubt warned you about umpteen hundreds of times over the course of your lifetime and nevertheless knew you would proceed with.
Providence resident and middle manager Christopher Harlan created a blog last weekend whilst self-reportedly “feeling a little crazy.” The website, registered through the free service WordPress, is largely a collection of disorganized musings, low-resolution pictures, and inspirational quotations.
The nation awoke last Thursday to realize that the calendar years 2000-2012 had all been some sort of communal, anxiety-induced fantasy. From the Supreme Court’s landmark Bush v. Gore decision to the humanitarian crisis in Syria, every moment of the hellish decade melted away into the dream-ether as Americans the country over woke up to sounding alarm clocks and shook off the horrible nightmare.
Those around shoegazer George Howard ’14 recently reached a collective consensus that the self-affirmed recluse is not worth getting to know. The shy, quiet student offers no unique perspectives, refuses to maintain eye contact and adds little in the way of critical or incisive thought.
Local cocker spaniel Sparks is, by any and all reasonable account, the best stinking dog on the entire planet. From his naturally shiny fur to that sly smirk Sparks’ owner Trish Johnson knows is just for her, Sparks stands head and shoulders above any pup on the block.
Matt Robertson, age 10, recently reported to a group of schoolyard friends that, when given the option, he much prefers spending time at his father’s spacious, ranch-style home than the two-bedroom apartment now shared by his mother and her new boyfriend.
Area Divorcee Fred Mackerel, according to expert sources, has effectively filled the God-sized hole in his soul with a combination of ethyl alcohol, nicotine and haphazard sex with strange women.
Shortly after separating from his wife of 15 years, Mackerel found himself in a spiritual crisis.
In answer to the concerns of those close to him, self-identified party-pooper Jason Turner asserts that he only poops in social situations. Without fail, the Sophomore Biology concentrator can be counted on to excuse himself to the restroom whenever out with people, witnesses reporting that he is sometimes gone for upwards of fifteen minutes.
High school sweethearts Joe Clarke and Madison Russell were married in a quaint ceremony among family and friends last Sunday. Though both were virgins upon marriage, those close to the Methodist couple say it’s probably safe to assume that, by this point, the two have probably engaged in sexual intercourse.
America’s villainy made a shocking announcement last Thursday, claiming that this is not over yet, not by a long shot. From coast to coast, our nation’s ne’er-do-wells, scoundrels and bad guys simultaneously refused to face facts and realize that they had each been defeated by their respective nemeses.
A report released by the Brown University Department of Biology last Thursday evinced proof beyond all reasonable doubt that, when you get right down to it, some people really are just natural-born champions. The report, conducted over a period of nearly a decade, shows that the whole of the human population can be divided into those that exhibit the quality “it” and those that do not.
Mark Hebert ’15 returned home over Thanksgiving break to a reception from his immediate family that was neither warm and welcoming nor cooky-crazy in an endearing sort of way. This being Hebert’s first time seeing his parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, or uncles in his time since leaving for school, the freshman was hoping things might be different this holiday season than their usual, uncomfortable norm.
If you’re a cop, you have to tell me. This isn’t—you aren’t are you? Because you sort of have this cop way of standing. You sort of have this cop posture. And that is definitely a cop haircut. The uniform and badge are throwing me a little as well.
Area resident Joe Markson ’10 displayed his tattoos for all to see at an off-campus get-together last Friday. Running a single finger down and across what he calls his “ink” and striking a pose against the wall that one partygoer would later describe as “aggressively casual,” Markson proceeded to explain to anyone who would listen the circumstances and story behind each image.
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