Minnear, evidently, has been having sex on such a regular basis that the usual positions have become stale, especially the position known as “the Stale Biscuit.”

The junior’s indecision has not been met with sympathy from his fellow students. “He was like, ‘Oh, I guess I could do the Superman or the Pinwheel, but we already did that on my birthday last week,’” reported Ron Leavitt ’13, a close friend of Minnear.

“I’d honestly be happy with a little bit of doggy style from a nice, intelligent girl, but I haven’t been that lucky these last couple of weekends. Seriously, fuck that guy,” he added.

At press time, Minnear was leaning toward “the Van Wickle Gate.”