Despite heavy campaigning by the Brown Divest Coal Campaign, the University has decided to instead double its investment in coal, for no other reason than to spite the numerous students who oppose it.
After the Catholic Church announced Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina as the 266th pope, speculation began on what stances Pope Francis I would hold on issues important to the Church. One thing seems self-evident: the new pope is likely to hold very progressive views because he comes from a nation full of brownish people.
This song playing at the party right now is utterly and completely Melanie Hatfield’s song, the third-year Biology concentrator and Women’s Peer Counselor confirmed, as she squealed with delight and spilled her drink on several strangers within arm’s reach.
While leading his 10-person section entitled, “Poetry and the New World,” Professor of Literary Arts William Randall felt the need to make it abundantly clear that the only thing he will absolutely not put up with is racism—let alone racism “coming from an individual waltzing into class 15 minutes late.”
Randall made the announcement just after outlining the grading policy for the course and taking attendance, stating it is something he “just wants to get out of the way so that there’s no confusion.”
Randall, who has taught at the University for nine years, went on to elaborate on his strict policy.
Department of Public Safety Officer Lt. Eric Hall was reportedly having a little trouble getting the siren on his 2006 Ford cruiser to stop doing that.
According to Hall, the siren has been doing that on and off all morning, but this is really the worst it has been.
Last Saturday evening, several professors and administrators gathered to bid farewell to beloved Professor of English Alan Blake, who will be departing from the University at the end of this semester.
In an open letter to faculty and students, Blake noted that though he is sad to be stepping down, he looks forward to being able to spend more time with his wife and kids.
After his lunch break on Wednesday, Francis Glassman, an employee of the Lawn Rocket Fireworks factory in East Providence, realized that he likely had the materials and expertise necessary to construct a sizable bomb, capable of causing a fair amount of destruction.
Visiting University of North Carolina sophomore Will Burton is “really pushing for an answer” as to what his friend, Jared Welch ’15, does for fun at Brown.
Despite Welch’s assurances that there are “a bunch of awesome clubs, intramural sports teams and other stuff,” and that there are “always cool things going on around campus,” he has been unable to provide Burton with a definitive answer to the visiting student’s question.
In what is being called an “unforgivable act” by enraged citizens across the U.S., Jimmy cracked corn early yesterday morning, sparking nationwide ramifications and presenting an immediate challenge to Congress and the White House.
Last Sunday at 3:05pm at the funeral of Providence resident Stephen Cavendish, who died of lung cancer at the age of 78, all those in attendance suddenly and simultaneously realized just how odd the practice of burying the dead really is.
Of the 200 in attendance—friends and family of Cavendish—not a single one found themselves able to watch the quizzical scene unfolding before their eyes without asking themselves a few questions, as the oak coffin was lowered into the rectangular hole in the ground and dirt began to be piled on top of it.
After Justin Blake ’14 failed to attend the Brown Cancer Prevention Society’s five-mile walk to raise funds for cancer treatment, Club President John Erstine ’14 concluded that Blake must “really love cancer” and “really be rooting for it to prevail.”
“There was always something a little off about Justin,” said a former acquaintance.
The Brown University 2012 Campus Dance will be cancelled due to lack of hustle, according to a press release by the University’s administration last Friday.
A campus fatass was mistaken for a badass last Tuesday afternoon after bringing food and drink into a computer lab of the CIT building in spite of strict rules forbidding such activity.
Henry Chesterfield ’14 breezed through the CIT’s main lobby and into the SunLab defiantly holding three slices of pizza and a large soda from Antonio’s.
In a recent report, the nation’s doctors announced that picking scabs before they have fully healed is “actually completely fine.”
This announcement has caused many to reevaluate previous statements made by their mothers concerning the dangers of picking scabs developed from injuries such as skinned knees and paper cuts.
Okay, I think it’s pretty safe to say that all areas of academia have their little quirks and hiccups. Fans of Shakespeare aren’t even sure if he wrote all of his plays, people can’t seem to decide if JFK was gunned down by one man or a dozen and English majors are still arguing about whether “Huckleberry Finn” is racist.
Greg Minnear ’13 has been unable to decide what kind of loud, raunchy sex he desires to have with his consistent fuckbuddy Meredith Kraw ’13 tonight, according to sources close to him.
At approximately 5 p.m. on Thursday, both patrons and staff of the popular Chipotle Mexican Grill on Thayer Street felt inexplicably guilty for a reason they could not quite explain.
Several students on Brown’s campus have reported that among the throngs of classmates discussing homework, lovers’ trysts and general shenanigans, one student has already begun to make his opinion of this school year’s Spring Weekend lineup clear.
In order to resolve budget and funding issues raised by the Corporation, athletes on the fencing, wrestling and ski teams have combined into one athletic program.
The new sport, entitled “Blitzkrieg” but affectionately referred to as “Title IX Ball” by some, combines elements from all three parent sports.
In a recent development in the Rebecca Skylar abduction case, 8-year-old kidnapper Billy Hawser released a video in which he brandished a shiny pistol at a flustered Skylar and demanded a ransom of “one bajillion dollars.”
Happy springtime, you motherfuckers. That's right, your favorite four-legged bovine is back to eat all the grass on Wriston, one Wednesday at a time. So how was your winter? Midterms, huh? That sucks. Want to know what I was doing? Oh, not much, just every steer and bull in Rhode Island.
Speaking to a number of prospective Class of 2015 students in Sayles Hall this past weekend, President Ruth Simmons made her stance on posers clear: she fucking hates them.
Speaking from his office in MacMillan, Professor of Chemistry Damian S. Carlyle confirmed recent suspicions that he does in fact hate you.