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The Brown Noser

Charlie Pfaff

Writer (Retired)

Charlie's articles

Mayor Keeps Referring To Plot of Land With Disparate Houses On It As “Community” | Apr 25 2014

In a speech last Thursday reinforcing his bid for re-election as mayor of Rockville, R.I., incumbent Joe Greenberg referred to the many separate people who own and occupy hundreds of different plots of land as a “community,” despite the fact that Rockville residents have little in common other than the roads and utilities system they pay taxes to maintain.

Student Says Completely Untrue Thing To Keep Conversation Afloat | Dec 06 2013

In a brave display of creativity and quick thinking, Ethan Dwyer ’17 has reportedly made something up on the spot to keep the conversation between himself and Becky Gower ’17 going. Dwyer and Gower had been left alone by a mutual friend in the Sharpe Refectory.

I'm Ready To Weigh In On This Royal Baby Thing | Dec 06 2013

Alright guys, thanks for being patient. I took a couple months to get my thoughts in order about the birth of Prince William and Catherine’s baby. The “royal baby,” if you will. I didn’t want to just jump out here and start saying stuff without backing it up, you know? Things like this are tough.

If You Keep Acting Like a Child, I’ll Be Forced to Concede Because I Fear Confrontation | Sep 06 2013

Listen, you know that your mother and I are pretty relaxed and we try not to tell you what to do too often, but in this case I’m going to have to put my foot down and say that I won’t allow you to stay in the house by yourself when we’re out of town.

Nice Cross-Section of American Life in This Wendy's Right Now | Sep 06 2013

Sources from inside this Wendy’s, located across from Home Depot just off the highway, report that the restaurant is currently serving food to a pretty decent representation of several diverse aspects of modern American life. Customers were pleasantly surprised to notice fellow patrons of different races, age groups, religions, creeds and sexual preferences sitting down and eating burgers and fries as if it were just another day.

University to Double Investment in Coal out of Spite | May 03 2013

Despite heavy campaigning by the Brown Divest Coal Campaign, the University has decided to instead double its investment in coal, for no other reason than to spite the numerous students who oppose it.

Strongly Conservative Pope Must Be Progressive Because He's from a Country of Brownish People, Media Reports | May 03 2013

After the Catholic Church announced Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina as the 266th pope, speculation began on what stances Pope Francis I would hold on issues important to the Church. One thing seems self-evident: the new pope is likely to hold very progressive views because he comes from a nation full of brownish people.

This Song Totally Girl’s Song | Mar 11 2013

This song playing at the party right now is utterly and completely Melanie Hatfield’s song, the third-year Biology concentrator and Women’s Peer Counselor confirmed, as she squealed with delight and spilled her drink on several strangers within arm’s reach.

Professor Does Not Tolerate Racists, Let Alone Tardy Racists | Mar 11 2013

While leading his 10-person section entitled, “Poetry and the New World,” Professor of Literary Arts William Randall felt the need to make it abundantly clear that the only thing he will absolutely not put up with is racism—let alone racism “coming from an individual waltzing into class 15 minutes late.” Randall made the announcement just after outlining the grading policy for the course and taking attendance, stating it is something he “just wants to get out of the way so that there’s no confusion.” Randall, who has taught at the University for nine years, went on to elaborate on his strict policy.

DPS Officer Can't Get Siren to Stop Doing That | Dec 07 2012

Department of Public Safety Officer Lt. Eric Hall was reportedly having a little trouble getting the siren on his 2006 Ford cruiser to stop doing that. According to Hall, the siren has been doing that on and off all morning, but this is really the worst it has been.

Retiring Professor Looks Forward to Spending More Time with Wife and Kids, Except Kevin | Dec 07 2012

Last Saturday evening, several professors and administrators gathered to bid farewell to beloved Professor of English Alan Blake, who will be departing from the University at the end of this semester. In an open letter to faculty and students, Blake noted that though he is sad to be stepping down, he looks forward to being able to spend more time with his wife and kids.

Fireworks Factory Employee Realizes He Could Probably Make a Bomb | Dec 07 2012

After his lunch break on Wednesday, Francis Glassman, an employee of the Lawn Rocket Fireworks factory in East Providence, realized that he likely had the materials and expertise necessary to construct a sizable bomb, capable of causing a fair amount of destruction.

Visiting Friend Really Pressing Student on Question of What He Does for Fun | Nov 02 2012

Visiting University of North Carolina sophomore Will Burton is “really pushing for an answer” as to what his friend, Jared Welch ’15, does for fun at Brown. Despite Welch’s assurances that there are “a bunch of awesome clubs, intramural sports teams and other stuff,” and that there are “always cool things going on around campus,” he has been unable to provide Burton with a definitive answer to the visiting student’s question.

Jimmy Cracks Corn, Nation Up in Arms | Nov 02 2012

In what is being called an “unforgivable act” by enraged citizens across the U.S., Jimmy cracked corn early yesterday morning, sparking nationwide ramifications and presenting an immediate challenge to Congress and the White House.

Everybody at Funeral Realizes How Weird Burying Somebody in the Ground Is | Sep 07 2012

Last Sunday at 3:05pm at the funeral of Providence resident Stephen Cavendish, who died of lung cancer at the age of 78, all those in attendance suddenly and simultaneously realized just how odd the practice of burying the dead really is. Of the 200 in attendance—friends and family of Cavendish—not a single one found themselves able to watch the quizzical scene unfolding before their eyes without asking themselves a few questions, as the oak coffin was lowered into the rectangular hole in the ground and dirt began to be piled on top of it.

Student Who Didn’t Attend Cancer Prevention Fundraiser Must Really Love Cancer | Sep 07 2012

After Justin Blake ’14 failed to attend the Brown Cancer Prevention Society’s five-mile walk to raise funds for cancer treatment, Club President John Erstine ’14 concluded that Blake must “really love cancer” and “really be rooting for it to prevail.” “There was always something a little off about Justin,” said a former acquaintance.

Campus Dance Cancelled Due to Lack of Hustle | May 09 2012

The Brown University 2012 Campus Dance will be cancelled due to lack of hustle, according to a press release by the University’s administration last Friday.

Fatass Mistaken for Badass | Mar 09 2012

A campus fatass was mistaken for a badass last Tuesday afternoon after bringing food and drink into a computer lab of the CIT building in spite of strict rules forbidding such activity. Henry Chesterfield ’14 breezed through the CIT’s main lobby and into the SunLab defiantly holding three slices of pizza and a large soda from Antonio’s.

Doctors Announce Picking Scabs Is Totally Fine | Mar 09 2012

In a recent report, the nation’s doctors announced that picking scabs before they have fully healed is “actually completely fine.” This announcement has caused many to reevaluate previous statements made by their mothers concerning the dangers of picking scabs developed from injuries such as skinned knees and paper cuts.

Somebody Needs To Call Physicists On Their Bullshit | Mar 09 2012

Okay, I think it’s pretty safe to say that all areas of academia have their little quirks and hiccups. Fans of Shakespeare aren’t even sure if he wrote all of his plays, people can’t seem to decide if JFK was gunned down by one man or a dozen and English majors are still arguing about whether “Huckleberry Finn” is racist.

Asshole Friend with Steady Fuckbuddy Can't Decide What Kind of Sex He Wants to Have | Dec 07 2011

Greg Minnear ’13 has been unable to decide what kind of loud, raunchy sex he desires to have with his consistent fuckbuddy Meredith Kraw ’13 tonight, according to sources close to him.

Everyone in Chipotle Feels Vaguely Guilty for Some Reason | Dec 07 2011

At approximately 5 p.m. on Thursday, both patrons and staff of the popular Chipotle Mexican Grill on Thayer Street felt inexplicably guilty for a reason they could not quite explain.

Student Already Complaining about Spring Weekend Lineup | Nov 04 2011

Several students on Brown’s campus have reported that among the throngs of classmates discussing homework, lovers’ trysts and general shenanigans, one student has already begun to make his opinion of this school year’s Spring Weekend lineup clear.

Fencing, Wrestling and Skiing to Combine into One Sport to Solve Funding Issues | Nov 04 2011

In order to resolve budget and funding issues raised by the Corporation, athletes on the fencing, wrestling and ski teams have combined into one athletic program. The new sport, entitled “Blitzkrieg” but affectionately referred to as “Title IX Ball” by some, combines elements from all three parent sports.

Adorable 8-Year-Old Kidnapper Demands $1 Bajillion Ransom | Sep 07 2011

In a recent development in the Rebecca Skylar abduction case, 8-year-old kidnapper Billy Hawser released a video in which he brandished a shiny pistol at a flustered Skylar and demanded a ransom of “one bajillion dollars.”

Did You Bitches Miss Me? | Apr 27 2011

Happy springtime, you motherfuckers. That's right, your favorite four-legged bovine is back to eat all the grass on Wriston, one Wednesday at a time. So how was your winter? Midterms, huh? That sucks. Want to know what I was doing? Oh, not much, just every steer and bull in Rhode Island.

Ruth Simmons Fucking Hates Fucking Posers | Dec 03 2010

Speaking to a number of prospective Class of 2015 students in Sayles Hall this past weekend, President Ruth Simmons made her stance on posers clear: she fucking hates them.

Professor Confirms That He Does In Fact Hate You | Dec 03 2010

Speaking from his office in MacMillan, Professor of Chemistry Damian S. Carlyle confirmed recent suspicions that he does in fact hate you.