“It made me rethink my whole career path,” said David Gale, a senior and Assyriology concentrator. “Like, I was planning to visit Assyria after graduation, but now it looks like that’s not going to happen because it doesn’t exist. The whole thing really makes me question whether we should have a DUG open house or not.”

Gale and his fellow concentrators were still reeling from the news, which was first reported in a 14th-century archeological survey.

“Everyone over in Egyptology is laughing at us. Like, OK, great, your country still exists,” said Gale, frantically texting his friends and family the bad news. “Whatever. I don’t regret anything. I met some really cool professors in the department, and I’ve got this awesome summer internship set up with the Assyrian Embassy. Oh. Wait. Shoot, yeah, that might be a scam.”

At press time, Modern Culture and Media concentrators were horrified to discover that Modern Culture and Media is not a tangible concept.