“Typically when a victim comes into the morgue, I have to move the body to an operating table, but this time around, the body did that part itself, which was very convenient,” explained Hartley, holding a scalpel, covered in their victim’s blood. “On first examination of the cadaver, I was shocked to see how well-preserved the body was––it was as if the victim had never even died at all!”

“It’s the first autopsy I’ve done where the corpse began screaming in the middle of the procedure,” continued Hartley, collecting tissue samples from the patient’s still-beating heart. “From my very first incision, the cadaver started writhing around in pain, begging me to stop.”

“This was certainly one of the most confounding autopsies I have ever done,” wrote Hartley in her report, noting the patient’s abnormally high pulse. “Determining the cause of death felt… well, nearly impossible.”

At press time, Hartley was seen eating a sandwich with a live chicken in it.