Jack's articles
Distant screams heard from North Campus have confirmed that sophomore Ryan Hindleman just castrated himself after stepping on Pembroke Seal.
“You know, some people might call me crazy, but I heard that the last guy who stepped on this seal fathered twins before graduation,” explained Hindleman, who was also a virgin at the time of the incident.
Sources from Professor Jessie Berridge’s Public Economics class have revealed that their latest midterm contained a hyper-specific word problem that was clearly an attack on a student.
“Jon C. is always raising their hand during class and wasting everyone’s time,” stated the word problem just days after a student, Jonathan Carnash, asked a question four times in one class.
Boxer Joe Clayton, who floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee, has reportedly died after punching his opponent a single time.
“I mean, I thought this guy was gonna kill me when he started literally flying around the ring,” said Clayton’s opponent, Buzz Tenorman, still in shock after the fight.
Reports from really close to the Atlantic ocean have indicated that a conch shell sounds eerily like the ocean while standing on the beach. “It almost sounds exactly like the ocean,” piped tourist Daria Sweeney with one ear shoved into a conch shell, the other ear facing the ocean just a few feet away.
Reports from the Providence Police Department indicate that their prime suspect in a recent murder case looks strangely like a gun.
“It was like a flash,” recalled Marise Goodrow, a witness to the crime. “One instant, all is peaceful and quiet, the next, a roughly gun-shaped person went ‘bang!’ real loud, and they shot a projectile from their mouth directly at my friend, killing her instantly! Oh, but I got a great view of the perpetrator.
Sources from LinkedIn Headquarters indicate that area man Richie Jenkins has applied to a professional lying job with 8 billion years of experience.
“I’ve been lying my ass off for the past 8 billion years, and because nobody has that much experience, I am the perfect person to hire,” Jenkins said with complete sincerity during his interview.
Sports gambling has been labeled a “public health crisis” thanks to some loser at the CDC who can’t hit a parlay.
“It has become clear that new lax regulations surrounding sports gambling have caused millions to latch onto an unhealthy habit,” said the loser, who definitely felt butthurt after losing $1,400 betting stupidly on the NFC Championship, at a press conference.
Desperate Scooby Doo villain William Earl Von-Badsley reportedly pulled out a gun after being apprehended by the Mystery Gang.
“I spent like $90,000 on expensive contraptions, costuming, decor, and I spent countless hours coming up with this crazy story… and for what? For some meddling kids to get in the way? No way am I gonna let that happen,” stated Von-Badsley as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pistol.
Sources from Kidz Bop Studio indicate that Kidz Bop is just going to give up after “Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck” has topped Billboard’s Hot 100.
“Love love love love? Hugs hugs hugs hugs? Then I’m gonna suck your… no no no,” said Kidz Bop executive Jeffery Johnson, clearly in a state of panic.
Reports from the Providence Police have revealed that a smart man died reading while driving this past Sunday.
“We are all devastated,” said the smart man’s mother during an interview with a local news station, her eyes clearly focused on the book in her lap.
I can’t seriously be the only one who thinks it’s weird that they put all those sex swings, sex slides, and sex monkey bars in public like that, right? I mean, the other day I was driving home from work, and I was flabbergasted to see that they were putting up yet another one of these public sex dungeons.
Sources from outside Barbour Hall have indicated that a student is just gonna let that guy into their dorm because he probably goes here.
“I mean, he’s kinda college age and vaguely familiar, so what’s the harm in letting this guy into my dorm?" said naive sophomore Sabrina Applegate, already swiping the incredibly shady-looking stranger in.
This past Sunday, the suspicious marionette man Zepetto was seen offering a deal with “no strings attached.”
“Yeah, it was really suspicious,” said Alex Silva, a student who encountered Zepetto in his creepy alley. “I asked him what his deal was, and he just told me I could gain infinite wisdom in exchange for just a moment of my time—no strings attached.
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