This year’s Thanksgiving dinner found Hebert’s grandmother as foul-tempered and racist as always—and not in a cutesy-charming “she doesn’t know what she’s saying” sort of way reserved for the silver screen. Rather, Grandma Hebert was in full, terrifying possession of her mental faculties as she proceeded to blame such disparate things as the country’s current economic woes and the fact that it’s hard to find a good radio-serial anymore on various ethnic groups, minorities all.

“I know it’s racist” she began, before launching into her diatribe “but so am I.” The pale, fragile looking woman then proceeded to fill the air with her words for upwards of twenty minutes.

“I mean, it’s not so bad. I guess. Well—I mean…It was definitely much more horrifying for the fact that she knew exactly what she was saying,” reports Hebert. “Her arguments were coldly, calmly outlaid. She went on to list her reasons logically. Methodically, even. She both fully grasped and fully owned the implications of what she was talking about. But, c’mon, she’s still a cute old lady, right?” At press time, Hebert’s Grandmother continues to defy death.

Similarly, Hebert’s parents were in rare, discomfiting form—and not in the “you know how parents can be” sense. On noticing that Hebert wasn’t bringing home a girlfriend for the break, Mr. Hebert proceeded to badger Mark upon such topics as his sexual prowess, his sexual appeal, and his sexual orientation. With his son truly and fully humiliated, the elder Hebert went on to best Mark in a feat of physical strength just to prove that he could. This was not heart-warming in a “the old man’s still got it” sort of way. The lean muscled war-veteran employed his encyclopedic knowledge of holds and pressure points to hurl Mark into levels of physical pain the freshman did not previously think possible.

“It was sort of inspiring, really. The old man’s definitely still got it,” Hebert vainly maintained, insisting that the bruises he displayed on return from break were from walking into the same door repeatedly. “It was my fault.”

Sources confirm that the Holiday as a whole was neither pleasant nor delightful.