“I’ve already used the phrase ‘loses,’ as well as ‘falls’ and ‘suffers defeat,’” said BDH reporter Rob Dexter ’23, author of the recent article “Brown Football Absolutely Pulverized By Harvard.” “I’m running out of verbs, and the ones that remain will only frame Brown’s football team in an increasingly pitiful light,” Dexter added.

With the football season well underway and no victories in sight, the situation has grown more and more dire for the BDH Sports section.

“Last week, we printed the headline ‘Cornell Football Brutally Vanquishes Brown At Home 53-0’ in thirty-six point font,” said Sports Editor Anne Villanueva ’21. “I never want to do that again. The spring sports season can’t come soon enough.”

At press time, the entire Sports section staff was frantically scouring thesaurus.com in the wake of yesterday’s game results.