You’re giving me a look like, “What? I don’t understand,” so I can only assume you don’t understand. Allow me to explain. A slackline isn’t rigid. It gives a little. Sometimes a lot! But at the end of the day, it’s always going to be there to support you.

Walking on a slackline isn’t easy. You fall down every once in a while. But you’ve got to let me get back up and try it again. And even though there are some tough, painful times, there are days when you just want to relax with your slackline all day in the sun.

That said, a slackline doesn’t expect me to always be with it. That’d be ridiculous. I have friends, and I like spending time with them, too. If I were only with my slackline, people would think I was weird.

Sometimes I grunt weirdly when I’m walking on a slackline. The slackline doesn’t make fun of me for that. It understands that I make those noises because I’m so passionate.

A slackline wouldn’t always be asking me to meet its parents. A slackline doesn’t even have parents, really, but I don’t expect you to kill your parents. See? That’s compromise.

Most important, maybe, is the fact that a slackline doesn’t have emotions. A slackline wouldn’t care if I went walking on some other slackline, or maybe had sex with another slackline, like, a lot of times. It’d be okay with that.

Shhh. Stop talking. A slackline doesn’t have a mouth.