Simon's articles
Sources confirmed last night that a fortune cookie at Chinese restaurant The Golden Palace has made some pretty big promises. “When I read it, I was like, ‘Whoa, okay, let’s see where this goes!’” said diner Karl Merkins, who has reportedly been having a rough couple of months and does not have the energy to be let down again.
Noting that he dispatches the punctuation mark with the effortless grace of a veteran English teacher, sources reported today that James Camden is throwing down semicolons in this email he’s writing like a total fucking champion.
“It’s pretty simple really,” Camden explained, trying to act modest despite clearly knowing how much of a complete badass he is.
Concluding that it was a surefire way to win a woman’s heart, a report released earlier this week found that every single girl who has ever had a love song written about her ended up hearing the song and subsequently falling in love with the guy who wrote the song.
Friends and acquaintances of Jeffrey “Hunky Jeff” Fitzsimmons ‘16 admitted yesterday that they had no idea how he ended up with that nickname.
“He’s not ugly,” said Ramon Stevens ‘16, Hunky Jeff’s roommate. “Like, it would be weird to call him Ugly Jeff, too.
The little outline of a man featured prominently in the Ikea assembly guides confessed yesterday morning that he is at a loss as to what to do with all this furniture he’s built. Speaking from amidst a vast sea of tables, desks, and bureaus, the man said that he sort of just got into a rhythm, and definitely doesn’t have a use for the majority of the admittedly well-designed items he now owns.
Claiming that it greatly enhances the heinousness of his acts, local villain Baron von Turnbuckle announced his decision to postpone his next dastardly deed until his mustache grows to a more twirlable length. “I was going to tie this woman up to these railroad tracks today,” von Turnbuckle explained, impatiently rubbing at the thin hairs on his upper lip. “But then I was like, ‘Wait, how am I supposed to physically punctuate my cruelty?’”
According to breaking reports, Josh hasn’t ever seen “Lord of the Rings,” you guys. Sources all agree that that’s insane, dude, those movies are awesome. Seriously, sources said, it doesn’t even matter if you’re that much of a fantasy fan, you’re gonna love them. Gollum’s hilarious, but also so creepy, too. At press time, it was reported that Todd has all three special editions on DVD and a huge flatscreen so we can probably have a marathon there this weekend.
Young person Kyle McKinney ’15 reported feelings of wistfulness and nostalgia upon seeing Evan Grady ’18, a marginally younger person.
“This kid’s got so much ahead of him,” said McKinney, who also has boatloads of time and opportunity in his own future.
Upon being reunited with several classmates, Joshua Thompson ’15, who in nine months will have some $80,000 of student loan debt and be unemployed, shouted, “Seniors!”
“This is our year,” proclaimed Thompson, apparently unaware he would be graduating into a near-nonexistent job market, ultimately rendering him unable to find employment, let alone anything high-paying enough to put a dent into the debt he will have accumulated over the course of his college career.
In an attempt not to seem overeager, 9-1-1 call center operator Emily Tarnaw waited until the third ring to answer her phone.
Sources close to very tall man James Lerner and very short woman Rita Pinter report that it is unclear how exactly the couple have sex.
“James is a solid six-five, maybe even six-six, where Rita can’t be more than five and change,” explained Ian Holly, a coworker of Lerner’s and friend of the couple.
Let’s get one thing straight, Jerry. I know my mom loves you and I’m supposed to see you as my new dad. But you’ll never replace him. You can’t. You’ll never be half the man my father was, Jerry. That’s because my father had three bodies.
A slowly increasing crowd at Tenney Community Ice Rink reports that that figure skater still hasn’t fucking fallen over yet. Jesus Christ.
The figure skater, whose name is unknown but whom sources describe as, “too nimble and graceful for her own good, ugh,” has as of press time been on the ice for over three hours and shows no signs of stopping.
Ben and Christina, sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the fear that your feelings aren’t as strong as hers so maybe marriage was a mistake.
Then comes baby in a baby carriage, then comes the dreaded realization that having a baby isn’t going to fix anything and instead you’ve embroiled this poor innocent child in your relationship troubles, and your inevitable divorce is going to force this kid into years of therapy.
Israel?! Saudi Arabia?!?!?! Iran and/or Iraq?!?!?!?!?! The Middle East!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
Saddam “Osama bin Laden” Hussein?! Osama “Barack Hussein Obama” bin Laden?!?!?! Barack “Saddam Hussein” Hussein Obama?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
The Fertile Crescent!? The Nile Delta!?!? The Suez Canal?!?1?
Desert sands! People riding on camels! Figs, probably? Hummus, definitely.
Jerusalem; Mecca; Beirut.*
*The Middle East
Hey. I’m going to tell you something, and I’m only going to tell it to you once, so you better listen up close: your momma’s so lovely, I go out of my way to make sure she knows how important she is to me each and every day.
Did you hear me? Damn straight you did.
Providence area 10-year-old Mikey Randall confessed Tuesday morning that he remains unsure whether his father’s announcement that he would be routinely arriving home from work at 5:00 instead of 4:30 really warranted the family meeting it received the previous night.
Ryan Polish ’15 is reportedly “super into” artist Keith Haring. “The bold colors, the thick lines,” he gushed to reporters. “Everything about Keith’s work appeals to me on, like, this intense personal level.”
Polish first saw Haring’s artwork on a postage stamp in high school and was instantly hooked.
In the aftermath of waiting several rings and then reluctantly picking up the phone, the nation announced Monday that their parents weren’t available at the moment, and could they take a message? “I’ll be sure to have them call you when they get home,” Americans told the voice on the other end of the line, who sounded old and intimidating.
Carl Alton ’16, still stuck on autopilot from Orientation, has been spotted around campus asking students how their summers were. Apparently unaware it is December, Alton repeatedly asks people how shopping period is going, if they have met with their adviser yet, and whether they are settling in okay.
At the Rhode Island Harvest Festival last month, Pawtucket farmer Steve Killansky won an unprecedented streak of blue ribbons for Biggest Pumpkin, Orangest Pumpkin, Roundest Pumpkin, Most Time Spent Harassing The Ribbon Committee and Go Home Steve.
Providence resident and mother of two Linda Manning defied a parenting norm yesterday morning when she was simultaneously mad at and disappointed by her son, James, 7. While parents have historically been disappointed in their children without feeling anger, James’s rule-breaking inspired a never-before-seen cocktail of both emotions in his mother.
Sometimes I think to myself, wouldn’t it be awesome if life had an undo button? Or, as a close second, a free tacos button?
I’ll be the first to admit that I often get myself into some embarrassing conundrums. Prolonged eye contact, a borderline sexist joke—it’s times like these I wish I had a big red button I could press to make that uncomfortable moment go away.
*POINT: Racism is Bad by Anthony Williams*
Historically, racial minorities have endured horribly unjust discrimination, both directly though the legal system and through more unspoken social practices. While it’s true that much of this de jure racism has been eradicated since the civil rights movement of the ‘60s, much of the de facto racism is still present.
Aware that his given name lacks the punch to make him a white-collar star, young pencil-pusher Lance Masterson has recently begun considering possible office names.
“I need something that’ll really pop off the plastic cover of a quarterly report,” Masterson said.
Professor of English Kip Barlow spent Monday morning scanning Wikipedia entries on classic literature as he prepared to bullshit his way through his 53rd straight semester on Brown’s faculty.
While some may question his qualifications, Barlow is proud of his teaching methods.
Dan Cathy, the CEO of national fast food chain Chick-fil-A, finally opened up to the press about his true motives for opposing gay marriage: he doesn’t want his son to have one.
“Homosexuality as an abstract concept I have no problem with,” said Cathy.
Allison Birch ’13 fooled her professor and classmates in her BIOL0200 lecture yesterday: although she appeared to be studiously writing down Professor Ken Miller’s main points in her notebook, she was actually drafting a personal letter to a friend.
Brown Noser writer Simon Henriques ’15, in an effort to be as poetic as William Shakespeare, has recently taken to filling his articles with as many similes as there are stars in the sky.
“I needed that extra something to really make my writing truly special, like coconut shavings on a bowl of ice cream,” he explained.
Girl, these last few days I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. With my head, you know? Head-thinking. And I have to say, I think we’ll both be so much happier in our relationship if you were just a little bit more like a slackline.
You’re giving me a look like, “What? I don’t understand,” so I can only assume you don’t understand.
In response to Mayor Angel Taveras’ repeated requests for more financial support, Brown University announced yesterday morning that it would give the city of Providence a booklet of homemade coupons for mundane tasks to help make up for the money it does not pay in taxes.
Dorm hominess at Perkins Hall 245 hit an all-time local high on Thursday afternoon following the residents’ purchase of a rug. While previously the room’s livability rated around “Heated Barracks,” the addition of the rug drove the grade up to “Shabby Apartment.”
While smaller spikes previously occurred after the playing of a board game, the folding of laundry and the brewing of tea, the jump in hominess generated by the rug eclipsed all preceding standards.
In a statement that rocked the religious world, God declared that He blesses and accepts the world’s homosexuals, on the one condition that they not try to make a pass at Him or anything like that.
“All of My creations are beautiful and holy,” God said in a press conference at the Temple Mount late last week, “including those men who lay with other men.
Three months after falling in love at first sight, Justin Balas ’15 and the Sharpe Refectory soft-serve ice cream machine now report having a loveless relationship.
Balas first saw the dispenser across a crowded room during orientation and instantly felt a powerful attraction.
Though it may seem otherwise, the strange noises emanating from the lower abdomen of Fiona Denton ’13 are not farts. In a press conference held inside her head, Denton emphatically assured those sitting around her that she was "most certainly not passing any kind of wind.”
Assuming the sounds created by her digestive process were as loud to everyone else as they were to her, Denton imagined herself giving a three- to four-minute speech in which she elaborately explained that she was aware of the noises, there was nothing she could do about them and she hadn’t eaten anything weird.
A campus-wide survey conducted by Art Bandos ’15 is investigating, for entirely scientific purposes, the student body’s phone numbers, schedules and desire to “chill back” with him.
The survey is being conducted as part of a class and is not weird at all.
I’ve gotta say, there’s one thing that I’ve been really looking forward to about Brown. It’s not the chance to broaden my knowledge through the Open Curriculum. It’s not the idea of eating sandwiches at an Ivy League university. It’s the opportunity to feel self-important when I see my peers from more temperate climes experience their first winter.
James Berther ’15 made Brown musical history last month when he was called back for every single a cappella group on campus. While he does have an impressive vocal range and undeniable charisma, most seem to think his success was due to the fact that he has a guitar for a mouth.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
